Mom frustration!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@CarolinaCola:  I almost did. My mom did the same thing. So did my Aunts. I just kindly shut them out of wedding planning.

If they asked about something I would answer “Fi and I have already decided on that”. If they wanted details, I would say “You will see it at the wedding” and just started answering everyting with the vague “mmmhmmm”

Also, a good ‘Thank you for the suggestion but FI and I will make the final decision” helps too.

Repeat until you need to and then drink wine.

Post # 4
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My mother was a total terror during the planning of my wedding. Normally we get a long very well however something snapped inside her I guess because there really is no other explanation for her behavior. I tried to include her in as much as I could but she was just hard to deal with. My Matron of honor threw me a spa day and invited the other bridesmaids and my mother. The whole time my mother had this sarcastic arrogance about her and she did the same at our rehearsal dinner. She didn’t even eat. She just sat there chit chatting with the mother of one of my bridesmaids giggling and cracking jokes. Then after the wedding it was like she was back to normal. The best advice I can give you is just ignore her. Do all the things you like and want regardless of whether your mom approves or not. At the end of it all its your wedding and the one who needs to be happiest that day are you and your hubby to be. Enjoy it all and take it in as much as you can.

 

Post # 5
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@CarolinaCola:  You aren’t alone.  At the beginning of the process my mom told me that she was going to stay far away from planning since obviously my vision doesn’t align with the vision she has always had for me which is getting married in a church and then some hall like she did.  I didn’t want a traditional banquet hall but ended up booking a venue that was a huge compromise (banquet hall with a tent) after lots of pressure from the family.  We went to an event there together and the food was not good.  My MOH was with me and agreed the food was pretty lousy, but my mom refused to try any of it because she was on this strict diet where she doesnt eat and injects herself with pregnancy hormones instead and kept telling me the vegetables she had weren’t bad.  I was sooo stressed – the only selling point of this venue (to me) was supposed to be the awesome food and now it was terrible and she wouldn’t even eat any and back me up?  I was pissed.  Cancelled on that venue and now doing things my way and getting tons of complaints along the way.  She isn’t a fan of the black bridesmaids dresses and flipped out when I included women’s names in the STD addresses.  Every time I see happy brides and their moms having fun together I just wish that it was me, but instead it has been hell.

Post # 6
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

Please have the wedding you want. ( i know this is easier said than done)

Try to find a bridesmaid or MOH that will be your support and backbone if your mother gets to be tooo much……..

I had the wedding my mother wanted.  At first I thought I could handle it.  As the planning continued I realized I had made a huge mistake in going along with her vision.  My wedding and bridal shower were a nightmare……. and things have not been the same between us since.

I hate myself for not sticking up for myself and going along with my original plans.  I am angry that I allowed myself to get sucked in to a wedding I didn’t want (and eventually paid for half of it-(parents went from “we are paying for your wedding” to “you and your FI need to pay for the band, photographer, officiant, etc))…..

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

No, you’re not alone… Generally both my mom and my FMIL have been awesome, offering their help and being super excited and all. Unfortunately, this comes with a hefty side of their personal opinions, not all of which are negotiable, as it turns out.

My mom has a charming way of coming up with something she thinks is awesome, and then asking me about it again and again and again until I’m ready to scream. This is how I’ve finally given in to her and am letting her organize a traditional (and extremely boring!) dance of my culture, as long as no-one is forced to participate and I get to pick the music. It was just easier to let her do it than have her ask me another billion zillion times… And occasionally she sits me down to “ask me about my vision” (read: interrogate me about my plans), which she then proceeds to write down in a somewhat one-sided way and use as notes to base her personal planning on. I’ve seen some of her notes lying about, and I sort of dread the day she brings it all up.

My MIL has been wonderful, going so far as to pay for pretty much everything, and I’ll forever be thankful to her. Since the beginning, she’s been saying that she absolutely will not interfere, and that we get to decide everything ourselves – except this is not the case. She makes some vaguely passive-aggressive comments about our choices every now and then, saying things like “it’s not what I would have chosen” and then refusing to tell me what she WOULD have chosen. She told us to invite whoever we want, and then made the guest list bleed over by over ten people she had to have there no matter what. I would have refused – I’m still sort of upset about it – but how can I, when she’s the one paying for everything? *sigh* Now she’s giving us trouble for letting the groomsmen wear whatever they want instead of coordinating and paying for their outfits.

But my GRANDMOTHER has been the worst of all. We’re having two receptions, since the wedding is so far most of my family and friends can’t make it there, and she is EXTREMELY opinionated about everything we’re trying to do. She wouldn’t approve of the first venue I suggested, she refused all my initial ideas about food. She keeps complaining about how far the actual wedding is (she is coming to it, but clearly she does not want to travel). She vetoed my idea of a sort of salad buffet for the second reception by telling me that there’s “real people” coming, so I can’t do that. To this day, I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. She has since offered to pay for the catering, though I’m unsure whether this is because of her lack of belief in my skills to find decent food or because she genuinely wants to help out. I get the feeling she’s trying to impress my FI’s parents somehow. I have no idea what’s gotten into her otherwise.

So, no, you’re not alone. I’m really fed up with the whole process by now, because everyone is full of opinions, and their opinions are all better than any other opinions. *sigh* It’s especially infuriating when it’s almost invariably accompanied by the “you can do whatever you want”. Yeeeeeah. “You can do whatever you want, as long as it’s the thing I want you to do” would be more accurate!

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CarolinaCola:  I did not strangle my mom during planning, but I did not share details with her if I sensed she wouldn’t be supportive. Maybe at the time she didn’t feel included in every single thing, but SO WHAT? It’s not worth the fighting and you shouldn’t have to stand up for every decision you make! My mom actually looks back at my wedding with happiness and we both have no bad memories about clashes we had over minor, truly trivial details like candles or centerpieces or cardboxes.

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