Post # 1
It’s been well over a month, and she’s still treating me like dirt. Giving me additude, snapping at me, making snarky comments. Iv’e tried to sit down and talk with her but she storms off.
She made my wedding week a nightmare, she has severe emotional problems and couldn’t handle the stress. She embarrassed me so many times throwing tantrums in front of my family and friends. But the kicker here is that I let her pay for the wedding. Which I am eternally grateful for. We could have never had a proper wedding otherwise, although now I feel like even though I didn’t pay for the wedding, I’m sure paying for it now…and boy, am I paying for it.
I’ve tried desperatly to show my gratitude, but she constatly complains I’m not grateful enough. She has been planning to move for almost a year (she even got another place and it’s been sitting empty all this time) and me and my husband have offered countless times to help. We decided to go on a trip this weekend and she has been laying guilt on me for leaving, saying she’s done so much for us and we haven’t tried to help at all. She notified us Monday that she’s decided to move this weekend, our plans are made, our lodging paid for…ther’es nothing I can do.
It truly makes me never, ever want to accept anything form her ever again. I feel as if she wants me to kiss her ass for the rest of my life because of this, and that she also wants to punish me because it ended up being more of a burden than she bargained for.
She won’t talk to me or my husband, she is under some illusion that my mother in law hates her and is rude to her (which I don’t beleive because my mom tends to think anyone who doesn’t kiss her butt is rude to her). When we come over she doesn’t acknowledge us, and hs has a very tired tense additude.
I am worried aobu ther emotional and mental welll-being but so far she has refulsed any advice I have to offer, any help I have to offer…anything.
I know you guys cant help me. I just had to get it out.
Post # 3
I feel for ya hon. That sounds rough. You can’t make her talk or listen to you, but you did try, so don’t feel bad. Give her a few more weeks, hopefully she’ll come around.
Post # 4
She sounds just like my mom..everyone owes her everything. She is still under the illusion that my sister and I owe her for child support she paid our Dad for us when we were little. (She actually paid a total of about $300 for all those years, besides, that’s now how it works, mother)
With these types of people, there isn’t much you can do. They see no wrong in the way they act. It’s everyone else’s fault.
My mother didn’t even come to my wedding, even though I had it in her state. She had 900 excuses, and then blamed me afterwards. Get real, lady.
I just totally cut my mom out after the wedding. She is toxic, and refuses to see it.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I honestly don’t think you can do much seeing as she has severe emotional problems. Even if you “kissed ass” everyday here on out I don’t think that would be good enough.
I would suggest to be a good daughter, do what you’re able to help her and the rest you’ll have to let it go. If her emotional issues cause you this much frustration I can’t imagine what it does to her.
Post # 6
God that is awful. I fear this will happen with my mom because she acts Ilike that, too. Usually people like that have a mental health issue, like a personality disorder, and there isn’t much we can do to change them. Just keep firm to you boundaries and know that you have done the best you can.
Post # 7
thanks. I think you guys are right…this is a tough one, no easy way to figure it out.
I’ve been tryng to reach her for days because I”m trying to write thank you cards and in our culture various family members pay for different things in the wedding…and my mother was in charge of asking people, collecting the money,etc. She said over and over agian how frustrated she was because things kept changing, people kept backing out and swapping different responsibilbies. I couldn’t for the life of me rmember what my sister paid for…but I do know my mom borrowewd tons of money from my sister, but she also said she was going to pay her back, so it didn’t seem to me that I could mention such a thing in a thank you card.
I finally just reached my mom and I confirmed what a few people paid for and then I asked her what my sister paid for besides the one thing I could remember and she said she couldn’t beleive me and that she didn’t want to talk to me and she hung up on me.
Post # 8
If you don’t know exactly what to say in thank you cards, then you can always make it a little vague and mention what you do remember and go on about “you’ve helped us in countless ways, and we appreciate everything so much.”
As for your mom, all you can do is make sure she knows how much you appreciate her, which it seems you have. Maybe get her some little extra thing…like flowers or something. Just act like everything is fine and then drop it. Don’t acknowledge her being rude or snappy, because she’s taking her own stress out on you and that’s not okay. If she volunteered to pay for it, that’s her choice, she shouldn’t punish you for it.
If she tries to offer to do something again in the future, say you appreciate the offer, but can manage. It seems like paying in emotional warfare probably won’t be worth it in the future.
Post # 9
That sounds really rough.
Have you and your FI thought about what it would take to pay her back for the wedding? It might be worth it if you could do that, and not feel like you “owe” her putting up with her shit because she paid.
Post # 10
Ughhh that sounds like a nightmare. Sorry you have to go through all this stress during YOUR wedding week.
My mom is exactly the same. I was put in foster care when I was a kid and she’s in complete denial. She shows her love with money (50$ check here and there) then acts like you’re super ungrateful. It’s annoying.
She’s crazy about gifts too. If you don’t give her exactly what she wants she lets you know. I have a vivid memory of being a little kid and making her a crappy handmade kid bracelet and she says, “Oh I’d never wear that.” Ever since I know she either wants gold or gift cards LOL.
I kicked her drama to the door several years ago. I flat out said your behavior is abusive Goodbye!! After a year or so she came back around like nothing had happened but luckily she seems to have mellowed.
She writes me with drama and I just say thanks for letting me know then change the subject. I definitely don’t feed into it with ooohhs and ahhhs. Short and sweet.
And I have no problem with asking her to step out if she crosses the line. I’m old enough now to know that she is manipulative and that there’s really nothing I can do to change her. I love her for who she is but I will never understand her.
Post # 11
I understand this behavior. My FMIL is a little less extreme (only tantrums in front of FI). It sounds like she intentionally picked a weekend you couldn’t be there so that you would be the “bad guys.” If she tries to guilt you, you can say, “You knew about our trip. We are happy to help you on these dates.”
We can no longer accept anything from FI’s mom. In fact, we are no longer doing birthday/Christmas/any presents or cards ever again after I made a very thoughtful birthday gift for her (it was a de-stress kit with expensive lotions and a soothing cd of meditation stuff) and she told us that, from now on they just wanted food for gifts aka gift cards to their favorite high end restaurant— Outback Steakhouse because they are too cheap to go to restaurants unless it’s a $5 buffet. We will offer to take them out for a meal on birthdays but we doneed deserve to be told what to give someone as a gift.
I second PP about asking her if you can pay her back in installments. The less he can hold over your head, the better.
Post # 12
Why have you had so many problems before, during and now after your wedding with all these people? Is there something going on that has caused all these issues on both sides of the family?
Forgive me if I only vaguely remember some of your posts, but you always sound so unhappy in what shoud be a time of great joy as a newlywed.
Post # 13
Well, I hate to say this, but…. when someone (relative or otherwise) pays for something major such as a wedding, ya gotta expect that you will OWE THEM for the rest of your life. It was a huge expense I am sure. ANYTIME you allow another person to pay for something, they have control. Most people will not think of this as merely a “gift”. Not many people are this emotionally and mentally stable to understand it was a GIFT. You now have an obligation, a DEBT to this person = your mother.
You could have avoided all of her emotional stuff and feel totally FREE if you did not accept a dime from her for anything. If you had planned your own wedding and paid for everything yourself, you would have had total and complete control and would not have her going around with that impression that YOU owe HER forever.
OF course, your wedding would have been way way smaller, super simple, I bet lovely and romantic. NO STRESS NO DRAMA.
My friend did a wedding where her whole family cooked homemade dishes in silver foil pans and rented chafing dishes and set it all up buffet style. Backyard, home made wonderful food. It was great.
But it’s too late now and she will never let you forget the huge DEBT you now owe her, an emotional DEBT. My advice – do NOT let anyone pay for your wedding or house or car or ANYTHING of value like that. Live within your means. Simple.