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Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. What do you feel in your heart is right? It's not fair for your mom to pull the "I won't help with anything wedding related if you don't do what I want" card. That's putting you & your FI in a very awkward position. My best advice is to do what's right for you and your FI. It looks like you're getting married in 2014, so at least that will buy you some time. Ultimately, your mom will either come around or she won't be apart of helping you plan the wedding. I hope things cool off enough for y'all to have calm conversations!! Best wishes!
MrsStrz : Thankyou. I do too. I have tried to have calmer conversations overother things and.... that goes not so well. :( I love my mom very much and i bring these things up because I want her opinion... i just dont want to cry everytime.
@imalittlebirdie: Do what you and your FI want. Respect your mothers wishes and dont tell her about your plans. She seems to be acting and you seem to be letting her - dictate who and who isn't considered Catholic and thats between you and God... or atleast thats what I think anyways.
oh wow, i'm so sorry your mom is reacting like this! it sounds like you're doing a really important thing in trying to figure out your own beliefs and what denomination makes you most comfortable. your mom's fb post is actually pretty dang hypocritical--it sounds like she, more than your fi, is trying to pressure you to choose a particular sect! it sounds like you're really comfortable with your religion prof--do you feel comfortable talking to him about this? not the part where you were considering asking him to officiate, but just in general that you're trying to figure out how to balance your families' wishes with your own questions with Catholicism, etc. it seems like you could use an unbiased but knowledgeable person you trust to talk to.
fwiw, here's my bias--I'm not Chrisitan, I'm Jewish. my parents were raised in different denominations (Orthodox and Reform), and their wedding was treated by their families as basically an interfaith wedding. it was really contentious, and it really turned them off from religion in general, though my bro and i did go to religious school associated with a conservative synagogue a few days a week and were bar/bat mitzvahed there, etc. I don't really identify too strongly with any one denomination of Judaisim--I'm somewhere between reform and conservative I think and dh is the same way (he went to a conservative day school but reform synagogue). so I think there are some parallels to our stories though it's different religions, or rather, more to my parents' story, since dh and i were lucky that all our parents respected our choice of rabbi...
@Captain013: Agreed. I would focus on yourself and your FI and figure out what kind of service you two want to have. After you figure that out you can inform your parents of your decision (or not if you think it will just cause more trouble). If they choose to freak out then that's their choice.
Wow I'm so sorry. She said alot of hurtful and unecessary things. I personally feel that my religious orientation is a personal matter. Its not for my mom or anyone else to tell ME how I should feel. My relationship with God (Allah or whatever someone calls the higher power) isn't up for debate nor should it be used to hurt me. You have to be at peace with your orientation and not look for her or anyone elses validation.
Did you just recently get engaged? Perhaps its just all very fresh, and your mother is trying to deal with all the upcoming changes.
I think since you have years til your wedding, you can result assured that much can happen in between that time, including change of hearts!
Thank you bees. It means a lot to know i am not completely wrong in this.
UPDATE : I just got off the phone with my dad and he told me that while if my mom had been more of a practicing catholic he would have backed her more for me being cathiolic, but since we were babstist for a few years and THEY were married Presbertarian ( i didnt know that) that he didnt think it was right for her to be doing this.. He Doesn't care as long as i am married in church with a man of god ( YAY Daddy!) he would PREFER presbertarian or babtist, but he is not gonna force my hand.
He said he would talk my mom off the crazy wagon, and to not worry to much about the not talking about the wedding with her, she allways says things like that when she is mad, and i should know that.
Should I apologize to her? Something like, Im sorry that I upset you, but FI and I want to look and make our own desison?
Mrs.Argentina : We got engaged in August and the olny reason we are waiting as long as we are is because we will both be Full time Grad students this fall, and we wanted enough time to plan and get everything together without being pressed for time.
As for being stressed.... we all are. This year we have lost 6 family members, ( 2 grandparents, 1 aunt, 2 uncles, and our dog) and it is possible that another aunt might not last the week.
I have kept fairly quiet about most wedding things, except to say hey do you like this dress when i find a picture,and all this came about because she asked what FMIL and I were talking about the other day.
Its been a rough year.
I hope this gets better for you! IMO it matters most that you are married to the one you love, and the wheres and whats are small details :) That being said, a lot of people don't understand that attitude. I think you need to do what is best for you and your FI, whatever you two decide that should be. Perhaps suggest an interfaith ceremony so that each family doesn't feel left out or belittled? It might be a small step in making peace between everyone and it might be the easiest thing to do at this point. Good luck with everything, I know how hard this can be.
@imalittlebirdie: eeek I'm so sorry , what a rough year! You guys are smart to plan ahead and finish up your degrees. Good luck with everything, stay strong! Apologizing would be very humbling and set a great tone for the wedding process, you won't be a drama queen but her but respectfully making your own decisions!
Your mother is in the wrong here. And I totally agree with your fiance that we are all of one faith and the different denominations do cause rifts, obviously that is whats happening here. You need to figure out what you believe, you should do some soul-searching and make sure that you are ready to stand up to your mother and say you dont feel that the catholic church is for you and that you want your professor to officiate. You also need your mother to understand that you are still a christian! it doesnt matter what religious church you go to if you believe in God and Jesus! Your mother is hurting you deeply by refusing to help you with your wedding and this could cause a lasting negative impact on your relationship to her. Also, you can wear a crucifix if you are protestant, its common, its not just a catholic thing. It seems to me you have so far let your mother control your faith, and now that you are moving into your own beliefs and into a different church she isnt comfortable with that and thinks your fiance is the one causing you to change. You need to make it clear to her that you are growing into your own person and finding the church thats right for you, its not for her to control or your fiance, its a process she went through with your father so she should understand.
My mom and I have allways been close, and we look Exactly the same. As in deja vu the same. My aunt G has this dream of re enactment of my moms wedding and my mom when i began talking about different things, the things she picked that i should do are eerily similar to her own wedding. She has allways told me that she regretted not getting married catholic, so i think that is where some of this is comming from.
This is hard because I have allways been the "good" child/grandchild/neice. I am the one that allways listens, that does well in school, has respect. If someone told me their opinion i would often go out of my way not to infringe upon that opninon and if i blatently disagreed i would keep it to my self. So I think, by mentioning something counter what had allways been expected, i might have sent her world off kilter.
It makes me very sad that I have upset my mother, but FI, dad, and you Bees are telling me I am not wrong, so that is helping me not cave. There's nothing wrong with a little look, right?
I am going to give you the best piece of advice I was given when I was getting married.
Do what is right for *YOUR* family. You, your FI, and your family together (assuming you plan to have kids).
If your mom isn't going to help plan the wedding, that is her problem, and hopefully she will realize before it's too late that she is in the wrong.
If you don't feel right getting married Catholic, then you shouldn't. Do what's right for your family, and only that.
((((hugs))))
I'm a Christian (non-denominational) & my family isn't Catholic, but I have seen and dealt with family like your mom is being. Sadly, you cannot do anything to change her, and really, you can't do much to please her either. Even if you never brought it up again and married "Catholic" she would get in a tizzy about something else you are doing "against" her and react in much of the same manner. (of course I don't know your mom, but that's the common tendency I've found in parents that guilt & tear down to get their way)
You do what is best for you and your FH, because that's where your loyalty lays now, and you just keep a pure heart toward your mom. I promise you she doesn't even realize that what she is doing is so wrong and is causing you damage...
Hurting people, Hurt people.
So somewhere in her there is all the pent up bitterness and resentment and now that she's not in control & getting her way, she's letting it out on you. You have to see this for what it is, and react accordingly.... don't get a hard heart toward your mom. Forgive her, continue to love her, and set up the boundaries you need to protect your own heart (while still showing respect & honor to your mom). It's this simple:
Mom, as long as you're going to yell and talk ugly, I'm not going to talk about this with you. I love you, and understand your stance on this, but I will not let you lash out at me b/c you're not getting what you want.
(if doesn't stop) Mom, I love you, but I'm leaving this conversation now. *walk away*
Do not talk to her until she can talk appropriately and maturely about it.
There is NOTHING wrong with establishing appropriate boundaries.
DH (who grew up Catholic until about 5 years ago) and I got married under "non-denominational" belief aka just bible, no man-made rules/traditions (the church we've attended for years is non-denominational), by our pastor who has known us each for 3+ years. I think that having your Methodist professor marry y'all would be wonderful b/c he knows you both and that just makes it more meaningful. This does not mean you'll be a "Methodist" or married "Methodist" of even have to go to a "Methodist" church it merely means that a Methodist ordained pastor/minister married you.
Then decide what denomination is best for you and your husband... b/c that's yours & his job to establish for YOUR family.
Keep that pure heart toward your mom & I'll definitely keep you & your family in my prayers.. and hope that she comes to realize that there's so much more on the line in this than "Catholic" vs not.
@amnystik: <3 every word your wrote. Your so dipolmatic and mature about things. I should take a page from your book.
Sorry...I feel you on this dilemma. Being a fellow cradle catholic...I can offer some advice. Religion is very, very deeply seated in some. They look to their faith constantly, live and grow by it. I personally, am not practicing but since my fiancee' is not practicing any particular religion, we have decided to get married through the Catholic church, because I would like to raise my children going to chuch. I feel like it made me who I am today. Even though I don't pray or attend church as much as I should, I still have faith in God and I feel strongly that Catholisism is as good a religion as any other...but I also feel it's NOT the only way to go.
If I were in your position, I'd marry my fiancee' in a non-denominational christian ceremony. And to be in good standing with my religoion, I'd follow up emmediatly with a Catholic 'blessing' as to make sure the marriage is also recognized by my church. And I wouldn't mention the later ceremony to anyone who would be offended by it. I hope you can come to a resolve on this or take some advise away with you.
I know it's supposed to be your wedding and your decision but I strongly beleive that one's family is all they have in the end and that somtimes concessions must be made to ensure everyone feels comfortable.
@tinylittlebird: I love your advice.
Do only what works for you and your FI. After you are married, that is the family you are creating, and you can't let your mom dictate or make you cry over it. I have had so many converstaions with my parents over religion over the years that I finally had to decide that I'm going to do what is right for me and at the end of the day, they are going to still love me. I'm sorry this is happening to you, do what is right for YOU.
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Mom :Don’t ask my opinion on anything wedding related. I am not going to help you.
For any of you that read my To be or not to be Catholic thread, you know that for some time now I have been waffleing between getting Married Catholic or Methodist. Long story short, My family ( mom, uncles, so on) are all Catholic. Never truly realized how big of a deal this is until now. Dad is protestant. FI family, are somewhere in the religious amoeba land where they believe in God and Jesus but don’t prescribe to any “faith” His mom was raised Pentecostal, His dad is Methodist and they were married in the Methodist church. His Entire family is fairly anti- catholic, * see trigger words such as brain washed, and idol worshiping heathens*
FI Believes in God and Jesus and is fairly religious in his own way, but thinks that the denominations themselves just cause fights and bad feelings between people who are OF THE SAME FAITH *see: Christianity
I was raised Catholic but was never Confirmed, when I was 10 we were “babtised” Baptist in the highschool pool. We did that for about five years and then that fell by the way side.
So for the last 20 or so years of my life when ever someone asked me what I was I would say “ Catholic” but other than CCD classes , and every Sunday when I was younger, I Think I have gone to Mass 5 times in the last 7 years, 2 of which being with FI.
FIs mom and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked me to Consider other denominations other than Catholic to be married in. Her words were, “I know you are catholic, but all I am asking is that you look at other denominations before you make your decision, and if you still want to be married catholic, I will be fine with that and support you in it. “
I thought that was fair, and FI brought up the idea of being Methodist and having our Religion Prof. Dr. T Marry us ( who is in fact a Methodist minister). That Idea appeals to me, if olny for the simple fact that Dr. T has known us both for about 3 years fairly well, and when I need someone to talk to, I go to him. ( he kind of fills in the role of Priest for me)
I brought this conversation with FMIL with Mom yesterday and she LOST her mind on me. Saying in short , that I am changing who I am to please his family, and instead of being Myfirstname mylastname Hislastname, I am trying to be Myfirstname Hislastname. And that if I do not know who I am, and what relgion i want to be then i should not wear a crucifix around my neck. Many tears ensued from me. I thought about that and I felt that in that she was right, It was not Right for me to wear that if i was not wholeheartedly Catholic, so I put it on her necklace hanger so it did not get lost.
Well, today before I went to work my mom asked me what the problem was between me and her. I replied that I was not sure what she was talking about, since it was 9:00am and I was trying to get ready for work. She said that she saw the crucifix on the wall and that it was a slap in the face for her. i told her Ihad thought about what she had said to me, and i realized she was right. So i took off the crucifix, olny until i could figure out where my faith fell.
She then began” you are Catholic, i fought with the church to have you babtised because you in the eyes of the church were a bastard and i was not married” and if i wasn’t going to be married catholic what was the point of all of that. By this time I am in tears because she said some kinda snarky and hurtful things during this. I brought up the Babtist things, and she said “ I do not have to justify or explain that to you.”
Can you see why I am a little confused???
Longer story than I intended short, she finishes with “ Do not ask me of my opinion on anything wedding related. I will not help you. I don’t want to fight with you and this ( meaning my wedding in general) is causing a rift between me and you. “
I told her I did not see a rift and she said she did. And she is not going to help me plan my wedding so do not ask.
That hurts and still does. All over a thought that I had made clear that we were considering and not acting upon, because we didn’t see the harm in to looking. I knew there would be issues with the religion thing, but I thought that my mom would at least give me the same quarter that FMIL is.
Edit: and now we have passive agressive FB posts....
"If you question your core values the bend and change who you are on the little things for someone to love you more, and make them happy, are they in love with you or are they in love with the YOU that THEY want to create?"