(Closed) Mom :I’m not going to help plan. OR why religion makes me sad ( VERYLONG)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. What do you feel in your heart is right? It’s not fair for your mom to pull the “I won’t help with anything wedding related if you don’t do what I want” card. That’s putting you & your Fiance in a very awkward position. My best advice is to do what’s right for you and your Fiance. It looks like you’re getting married in 2014, so at least that will buy you some time. Ultimately, your mom will either come around or she won’t be apart of helping you plan the wedding. I hope things cool off enough for y’all to have calm conversations!! Best wishes!

Post # 6
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@imalittlebirdie: Do what you and your Fiance want. Respect your mothers wishes and dont tell her about your plans. She seems to be acting and you seem to be letting her – dictate who and who isn’t considered Catholic and thats between you and God… or atleast thats what I think anyways.

Post # 7
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

oh wow, i’m so sorry your mom is reacting like this! it sounds like you’re doing a really important thing in trying to figure out your own beliefs and what denomination makes you most comfortable. your mom’s fb post is actually pretty dang hypocritical–it sounds like she, more than your fi, is trying to pressure you to choose a particular sect! it sounds like you’re really comfortable with your religion prof–do you feel comfortable talking to him about this? not the part where you were considering asking him to officiate, but just in general that you’re trying to figure out how to balance your families’ wishes with your own questions with Catholicism, etc. it seems like you could use an unbiased but knowledgeable person you trust to talk to.

fwiw, here’s my bias–I’m not Chrisitan, I’m Jewish. my parents were raised in different denominations (Orthodox and Reform), and their wedding was treated by their families as basically an interfaith wedding. it was really contentious, and it really turned them off from religion in general, though my bro and i did go to religious school associated with a conservative synagogue a few days a week and were bar/bat mitzvahed there, etc. I don’t really identify too strongly with any one denomination of Judaisim–I’m somewhere between reform and conservative I think and dh is the same way (he went to a conservative day school but reform synagogue). so I think there are some parallels to our stories though it’s different religions, or rather, more to my parents’ story, since dh and i were lucky that all our parents respected our choice of rabbi…

Post # 8
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Captain013: Agreed.  I would focus on yourself and your Fiance and figure out what kind of service you two want to have.  After you figure that out you can inform your parents of your decision (or not if you think it will just cause more trouble).  If they choose to freak out then that’s their choice.  

Post # 9
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow I’m so sorry. She said alot of hurtful and unecessary things. I personally feel that my religious orientation is a personal matter. Its not for my mom or anyone else to tell ME how I should feel. My relationship with God (Allah or whatever someone calls the higher power) isn’t up for debate nor should it be used to hurt me. You have to be at peace with your orientation and not look for her or anyone elses validation.

Post # 10
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Did you just recently get engaged? Perhaps its just all very fresh, and your mother is trying to deal with all the upcoming changes.

I think since you have years til your wedding, you can result assured that much can happen in between that time, including change of hearts!

Post # 13
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I hope this gets better for you! IMO it matters most that you are married to the one you love, and the wheres and whats are small details 🙂 That being said, a lot of people don’t understand that attitude.  I think you need to do what is best for you and your Fiance, whatever you two decide that should be.  Perhaps suggest an interfaith ceremony so that each family doesn’t feel left out or belittled? It might be a small step in making peace between everyone and it might be the easiest thing to do at this point. Good luck with everything, I know how hard this can be.

Post # 14
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@imalittlebirdie: eeek I’m so sorry , what a rough year! You guys are smart to plan ahead and finish up your degrees. Good luck with everything, stay strong! Apologizing would be very humbling and set a great tone for the wedding process, you won’t be a drama queen but her but respectfully making your own decisions!

Post # 15
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Your mother is in the wrong here. And I totally agree with your fiance that we are all of one faith and the different denominations do cause rifts, obviously that is whats happening here. You need to figure out what you believe, you should do some soul-searching and make sure that you are ready to stand up to your mother and say you dont feel that the catholic church is for you and that you want your professor to officiate. You also need your mother to understand that you are still a christian! it doesnt matter what religious church you go to if you believe in God and Jesus! Your mother is hurting you deeply by refusing to help you with your wedding and this could cause a lasting negative impact on your relationship to her. Also, you can wear a crucifix if you are protestant, its common, its not just a catholic thing. It seems to me you have so far let your mother control your faith, and now that you are moving into your own beliefs and into a different church she isnt comfortable with that and thinks your fiance is the one causing you to change. You need to make it clear to her that you are growing into your own person and finding the church thats right for you, its not for her to control or your fiance, its a process she went through with your father so she should understand.

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