(Closed) Mom invited my ex! Wtf?!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You are absolutely not taking it too personally!!!

If your mom knows that he stalked you, she should be ashamed to have anything to do with him. Your emotional (and physical) safety should be her top priority!!!

Post # 4
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’d be upset, too. However, since he works with your dad, and does design, I can see why she’d ask him to help with the invites. She probably sees it that if he’s helping with the invites, she should invite him as well. It sounds like he’s been around for some time, and she’s probably not doing it to be malicious or hurtful to you at all. You’re engaged to someone else and has moved on – and it sounds like she has as well. 

If she wants to invite him, let her. It’s her party. You don’t have to invite him to your wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is it possible she feels like she *should* invite him because he’s helping her with the party?

I think you’re completely reasonable in wishing that this guy was just out of your life, and upset that your parents continue to be involved with him.  

Post # 7
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off… (( HUGS )) because I am sure this is a difficult situation for you.

But, I have to say I am conflicted (some what) on this issue…

Agreeing with BOTH the POVs that mightywombat: and kariface:  have expressed.

On the one hand, I’d be’d P-eed that your Mom has done this, and on the other hand, I can understand WHY your Mom extended the Invite if she and your Ex are still friendly (still though, I think she SHOULD put your feelings and safety ALWAYS first)

WHY I am conflicted, though has a lot more to do with your post… as a woman who survived an Abusive Relationship (on so many levels) that included a guy who liked to stalk me after it was over… I have to Question why you said / did this…

Well, then he stopped talking to me, and even at a mutual friend’s funeral 5 yrs later (we dont have many mutual friends, thank goodness) he ignored me, even when I said how sorry I was.

WHY in goodness are you (a) concerned that he ignored you, or (b) apologizing to this person.

No wonder your Mother is confused, you have been sending mixed messages about this relationship.

The experts will tell you clean and simple, you need to ALWAYS give an Abuser / Stalker a concise and accurate message…

GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE… OR ELSE !!

Doesn’t look like you have been doing that in the past.  So naturally those around you “aren’t getting” this and truly how important it is to respect your wishes !!

If the Invites are out, what is done is done… you need to make apologies to your Mom and not go to this event ** … which is sad, because if you had been clearer in your position / needs, this “awkward” situation could have been avoided, because she would have no doubt NEVER would have issued the Invite to him.

** Also suggest that you sit down with your Mom and have a heart-to-heart, so she has a clearer understanding of WHERE it is you stand on this issue… now and for the future.

EDIT TO ADD – For the record after 25+ years of marriage, I had similar issues with some of my own family members comprehending that OUT OF MY LIFE… meant OUT OF THEIR LIVES AS WELL… due to My Ex-H’s behaviour and putting ME AT RISK (abuse & stalking).  It was hard for all of us… me and them, but my family members after a heart-to-heart finally began to understand and respect my wishes.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 8
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Isn’t there anyone else that works with your dad that could help your mom with invites?

Post # 11
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s unfortunate that you choose to date someone that works with your dad, it would be very wrong for your father to fire him just because you broke up, also I’m sure you’re father wouldn’t have kept him around after all that if he wasn’t a good worker. You can’t really expect this ex to just quit his stable job and hunt for something else making him have to start all over somewhere else.

Maybe your mom doesn’t understand why your upset, maybe she does. You say this was 10+ years ago, you have moved on and I’m sure so has this man. Do you think that someone making a mistake means that they never have a chance to change? 

I’ve seen first hand that people often can and do change. I say attend this party, and don’t communicate with the ex. Its. That. Simple.

 

Post # 12
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@drummerbride:  Whaaaa…?  Holy overreaction, Batman!  Did you even read the post?

A) Who said anything about firing him??

B) Stalking and emotional abuse is not just a “mistake.” What kind of mother wants to put her daughter in the position of having to be around her former stalker at her birthday party?!

Post # 14
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@TinaJade:  I fully support your choice not to go to this party. I was in a relationship like that once at 15 through 16 and it was a terrible year. I could never face this ex again, even if he did change because the mental scars are still there. I have moved on from that relationship and I don’t have PTSD or anything but there is caution there…it is called self preservation! 

You did the right thing telling your mom you would have to remove yourself from this situation, if she chooses him over her own daughter (she might not see it that way) then stick to your guns and don’t go if you really cannot face him. On the other side of that maybe she will listen to you and not invite him, she does not have to invite him just because he is making the invites. You are hiring a florist aren’t you? You’re not inviting her to the wedding are you just because she supplies you with the flowers…I am totally assuming there, but you can change florist to any person/vendor you’re not inviting. 

I think in hind-sight she was just trying to be nice and had a lapse in judgement, that happens! Talk to her again, maybe she will come around. 

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