mom inviting her work friends to shower?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If they helped her plan, then they should be there to enjoy the event. They did the planning out of friendship and support for your mom, so it’s only fair they get to enjoy what they created together! I’d buy them each a small thank-you gift (fancy chocolates, small bottle of perfume, something like that) and ask your mother to make sure they do not buy you shower gifts. If they insist on buying you a gift then perhaps you could ask them to donate the cash value of their usual gift to the local domestic violence shelter or another worthy cause. That will make it beyond clear that they are attending as honored guests and quasi-hostesses, not guests expected to bring a gift.

Post # 3
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I dont think you need any elaborate story so they don’t get you a gift – they are invited to support your mom if they want to buy you something (bc they are your moms friends and in a way getting you something is showing their support to her) then let them. If they don’t, then its ok too ….. I would still send a TY note and I would make sure to personally meet and thank them at the shower (thank you so much for coming to support mama x she talks about how helpfully you have all been! I can’t thank you enough for being part of such a special day etc)

While I think that in generally you don’t invite people not invited to the wedding this sounds different than just asking a bunch of people to get you extra gifts. Basically… this is a good intention (letting your mom have support and friends) so its ok in my book.

Post # 4
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, I think you should let her invite them. 

If they give you a gift, don’t worry about it. Accept the gift(s), give them your sincere thanks for the gift(s) and all of the help they gave your mother, and enjoy the event. 

This might feel like a complicated situation, but it isn’t. They know what’s going on, they’re fine with it, and you don’t really have to get it much thought. Again, just give them your sincere thanks, accept any gifts they give you, and enjoy the night. 

Post # 5
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

No.  Guests invited to pre-wedding parties (such as a shower) must be invited to the actual wedding.  Otherwise, you are basically saying to them that they are good enough to come give you attention and a gift, but not good enough to be invited to the wedding.  If your mom won`t take no for an answer, then decline the shower.

Post # 6
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

doeydo:  but by doing that, the OP would be saying the ladies were good enough to put in work towards planning a great shower but not good enough to actually go to the shower. Etiquette is a guideline, not a de facto law, and sometimes common sense and good judgment has to trump the rules.

Post # 8
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

future.mrs.koban:  Let her invite them.  The rule is there as a guideline so people don’t invite everyone and their brother simply to get gifts.  If they know that you don’t have the buget/room at the wedding and they still want to come (and give you a gift) then that’s their perogative.  Sometimes people just want to be a part of the wedding/marriage celebrations, in some small way.  It’s a big deal and a happy time, some people love that.  

If they’ve helped your mum plan and supported her though this, I think its fair that they get to see it all come together.  I do agree with the PP who suggested you buy them a small token of your appreciation for all the help they’ve given your mum, and seek them out at the party to chat and thank them in person.  

This is supposed to be fun.  Don’t let ‘rules’ stop that from happening.  

Heck, my shower is being cohosted by an elderly lady who isn’t invited to our wedding (she’s my sister’s best friend’s great aunt by marriage.  Confused?  Yes.  I see her every Christmas Eve and I have since I was a kid, but that’s about it.)  She’s a sweet, lovely lady who insisted on hosting because she loves showers and parties and she wanted to do this for me and my mum. It was actually the first thing she said when she met my FI and we told her we were engaged, she congratulated us an turned to my sister and said “We’ll have the shower at my place.  Tell me when and I’ll rent the room.”  She wants to do this, I think it would be rude to say no because of some artibrary rule.  

Post # 9
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

Horseradish:  It;s not like OP asked these ladies to help plan.  It sounds like they volunteered to help and her mom didn’t say thanks but no thanks.  <br />OP, even if it was a party to celebrate the wedding, they should not be invited as it is still a prewedding party.  You could turn it into a party that is compltely unrelated to you and invite whoever you want.  Who doesn’t love a good party, just cause?

Post # 10
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

future.mrs.koban:  It’s kind of like saying…’Hey, thanks for giving me a present! But sorry, you’re still not good enough to make the wedding list’.

Your mother can make it a non-wedding related event, invite these women to your wedding, or let them know that whil their efforts were appreciated unfortunately as a wedding related event they will not be invited.  And since they’re her buddies, this is on her – not you.  She made a bit of a mess with it and now has to deal with it.

Post # 11
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Please. The ladies seem to have known all along that there was no invite to the wedding heading their way, and chose to give the OP’s mom some help planning because they’re nice. Why on earth would anyone want to reward their niceness by excluding them from the very event they helped plan? OP I say trust your mom when she says the ladies know they’re not invited to the wedding, thank them for their efforts and let them join the party.

Post # 12
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

There’s no need to be rude to people because “Etiquette Says.” If they want to come, then by all means. The rules about who you can invite to pre-wedding parties are not hard and fast anyway. 

Post # 13
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like these women are going to be there no matter what, so I would think that your obligation would be to ensure that you spend meaningful time with each of them and to be profusely grateful if you receive anything from any of them–as in, paper thank you notes in the mail no more 24 hours after the event (tell your mother to get you their addresses and make sure you have stamps NOW so you have no excuses to delay in the event that any of them get you a gift).

Post # 14
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Often, women are just so excited for those momentous occasions in each others’ lives, they don’t really care about “etiquette”. They just want to celebrate your mom’s daughter’s marriage. They don’t care that they are not invited to the wedding.

My mom’s friends hosted a huge shower for me in my hometown that I couldn’t even attend. They presented unwrapped gifts to my Mom, then spent part of the shower wrapping them. The gifts were then packaged up and mailed to me.

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