Post # 1
Hey girls. I’ve been engaged for almost 1 year now, and we’re planning to get married in April or May of 2015. So it’s finally time to start planning. We’re going back and forth between a couple of ideas, and I went over and talked to my mom yesterday for the first time about ideas and things involving the planning of the wedding. She didn’t seem interested at all. She barely listened to me as I told her about a venue we’re going to look at.. and when I brought up the idea of a backyard wedding (she and my step father live on a beautiful farm.. I’ve always thought about possibly having the ceremony there) she actually said flatly, “Well, have it in your own yard.”
The wedding will be small either way. 50 guests tops. Nothing too over the top. Nothing too expensive. She acts like she dreads paying for it, even though my family is well-off and and it’s not going to be a big expensive ordeal. We’ll even help pay for it if that’s an issue, and I told her this. She responded with, “well of course you know I’ll pay for it. But hopefully his family will contribute to something.” The way she said that though… I don’t know. She has a way of making me feel really bad about things involving money.. but the way she’s acting is just weird, even for her.
So if that wasn’t bad enough, she then went on to gloat about her e-ring compared to mine. How it’s worth so much more. It was insane! My ring is custom and is made with my FI’s grandmother’s and mother’s diamonds. It’s worth -everything- to me. I don’t care what it would appraise for, or if the diamonds aren’t “flawless” like hers. His grandmother’s diamond is very old! Seriously? I was already bummed about her attitude toward planning the wedding. The ring thing cut deep. I got up and went home after those comments.
She loves my fiance, so it isn’t that. She called him her “future son in-law” before I even thought about wanting to marry him. She knew before I did that we’d be getting married one day. She had a big wedding when she married my father (who passed away), and her second marriage to my step-father was sort of an elopement/vacation ceremony that I wasn’t even invited to (no one else was either though). Her and I have what I think is a fairly decent relationship. We’re very different people, but very much the same in some ways. I love her. She loves me. She’s always been there for me.. helped me out.. stood up for me, etc. She’s been a good, good mom. And I’m her only child, her only daughter. I thought she’d be more excited for me than this. Maybe even act somewhat interested. I don’t understand this. It hurts.
Anyone else have a mom like this? What can I say to her? If she wants no part of this, what do I do? Leave her out of it completely? Do you think she’ll come around? Thanks for any advice.
Post # 2
Family gets weird when weddings come around – there is no other explanation!
Have you had a discussion about money and contributions? Maybe she thinks you’re just assuming that she’ll pay? Maybe she has money problems you don’t know about? I think it’s worth having a proper discussion about what is happening, rather than just talking around the subject. Once you’ve had that discussion you might be more able to answer your own questions about how to involve her.
The other option is to pay for things yourself. Unfortunately accepting money from other people always comes with strings.
Post # 3
so ask her – ‘hey, i know you love fi and you’re happy about us getting married – so why don’t i feel anye excitement from you?’ don’t whine or yell, just tell her ‘i wish we could talk about this together, i’m excited and i would like your input’
maybe there’s a legit reason, or she doesn’t realise how she’s coming across, and honestly, i don’t think her saying that she’d like his family to contribute something is out of line. the ring thing is rude though, and i would have said as much – ‘that’s pretty harsh, you know how much this ring means to me’ should have done the trick.
parents can get wierd about weddings – mine are awesome, super involved but not overbearing, let us make all the decisions but help us a lot, and his haven’t asked about planning in months and are super blasé. it’s a bummer – i feel you!
Post # 4
Eat-well-travel-often: We have discussed paying for the wedding, and I have definitely offered to help. I will gladly pay for whatever I can. FI and I have $12k in savings that we were going to put toward updating our home, but that could easily be put toward the wedding instead. I even told her this again yesterday. But she blew that off like I was crazy for suggesting such a thing. She’s being sort of hypocritical.. saying one thing, though her tone suggests another? I don’t know how else to put that lol.
But yeah.. ever since I was young girl my family (grandparents, parents, aunt, etc.. we’re all close) told me that they wanted me to have the nice wedding and that there was even money set aside for it from my grandparents. My grandfather is still living but is in poor health, and my mother is in charge of his money now. He/she/they are all very well-off. Not bragging.. but they live a very nice lifestyle. No new money issues.
peonyinlove: FI’s family has offered to pay for the food, alcohol and the wedding bands. She knows this.. so that’s why the comment was odd. Like that’s not enough. I don’t know. I did text her a little while ago. My morning has been rough.. thinking about all this. I kept it short and said, “I was hoping you’d be more excited for me, after everything this past year, this is one thing I have to look forward to.” (I’ve been very sick for the past 11 months, in and out of hospitals and doctor’s offices.. have struggled with it all mentally, and am finally doing better). She replied with, “I always have your back.” That was it. She’s not going to make it easy for me to talk to her about this I guess. I will definitely try some more I suppose.
Thanks girls. Ugh. Bad day.
Post # 5
NlovesM87: I dont know if this is how it is- but some people like to offer to help and then incessently complain about it. I have people like that in my family. But if you try to change/alter/help to take some wedding stuff off their hands they look at you like you’re crazy! It’s seriously maddening. Same thing is happening (in a different way) to me AND one of my best friends also getting married. Weddings make people crazy lol. Just dont let it bother you (easier said than done) but thats what i’m trying to do.
Post # 6
She sounds depressed.. I’ve been stressed, overwhelmed and maxed out emotionally at times and nothing could have broken through. Even though there might not be money problems and it seems like her life is perfect, she sounds like she isn’t totally happy or knows how to be happy for you. Don’t have an answer, some times it just is what it is, and I hopy YOU can enjoy this time and make it the best..and maybe she’s thinking of her first marriage, etc.? I hope it gets better.