- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
I should start out by saying my mother and I have completely different tastes – we couldn’t be more dissimilar. My personal taste and overall vision for my wedding is very modern and minimilistic. My mom’s taste runs towards frilly and feminine, knick-knacks, and she tends to take a theme and run it into the ground. She already didn’t like our choice of venue (as she said publicly on facebook “with a lot of work it could be great!”) and I certainly know it’s not what she would’ve picked – we went with a converted photo studio / gallery and she would’ve rather had a country club or ballroom.
I feel like constantly having to say “no” to her ideas is turning me into a bridezilla. I really wanted to be easy-going with this stuff, but I find myself always having to say no to her, even when it’s not soley based on my wishes. For example, she asked “what if we moved the party and DJ outside after dinner for dancing?” Besides this being a complete logistical nightmare (and against what I would personally want), we couldn’t do this because the area our venue is in has a policy of no outdoor music allowed after 10pm.
I’ve tried the trick of deflecting her with projects or tasks to give her something to do and feel like she is contributing, but it just seems like she doesn’t listen to me at ALL. I’ll be very specific with her, and tell her exactly what to look for and what my ideas are, and she just goes off on tangents. For one example, I asked her to look for short, small aqua or white ceramic vases (any shapes as long as they’re small), and she sends me pictures of really fancy 2 1/2 feet tall glass cobalt blue vases – not even remotely similar to what I’d shown her.
I’d love to just go with it, but I feel like always correcting her or telling her no is really making me feel really negative and turning me into something I didn’t want to be – but I can’t help it when her ideas are so outside of what I want and what I like. My SO tells me to just stop responding, but my mother is the type who would just start buying and stockpiling things without consulting me. She clearly doesn’t understand my vision or taste, even when given very specific ideas, colors, goals, etc. I just can’t trust her to take on a project or an aspect of the decor without coming up with something that is 100% the exact opposite of what I would want. I thought I’d be easy going, but it’s turning out I have very particular ideas about things – especially about what I DON’T like.
The latest thing was her wanting to get in touch with my FMIL “just in case there’s something she wants to do for (her son)” and not wanting to deal with any unwanted surprises, I told my mother “the only thing you both need to do for us is show up!”. She then explained that she thought it would be cute if we had pics of both of us as kids to hang up, and wanted to talk to FMIL to get “photocopies”.
The one thing I was really adamant with her about early on is that I really don’t want any pics of us as kids / growing up involved in the wedding. I know that it’s pretty popular to do that in slideshows, etc, but it’s just always struck me as strange for some reason. I’ve been to weddings where it seemed like the families were eulogizing them with how much time and focus was on “bride and groom as kids / growing up”. Maybe it’s because I’m not a young bride, and I’ve been with my fiance for almost 14 years – I don’t know. I don’t really see our wedding as us growing up or the next step in adulthood as we’ve already been living together for a decade (the bloom is quite off that rose!).
I hate that this is probably something that she thinks is a cute idea and really wants to do for us and is the kind of thing you SHOULD have at a wedding, but it makes my skin crawl. The fact that I already told her flat-out that I don’t want to have pictures of us growing up at the wedding and then that’s EXACTLY the project whe wants to work on (and do secretly, no less) makes me upset. I’m having to deflect her yet again and say no to something I’d already told her I didn’t want. I just feel like she’s doing it on purpose – or at least purposely not listening to my feelings and likes and dislikes, and it’s frustrating and making me feel both insane and like the worst, most negative, picky person ever. Instead of saying “I don’t want that”, I’ve tried deflecting to say “what if it was pictures of us together and with our friends and family as adults?” so hopefully that will be good enough and more positive?
I know weddings are not all about the bride and groom… so I really wish she would come up with something that I can get behind and say “that’s a great idea” or “i really like that!” so I can stop feeling like a horrible, picky person.