(Closed) Mom is forcing a Catholic convalidation on us…not sure what to do. :-( Long.

posted 8 years ago in Secular
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

First off, let me say that I am really sorry you’re in this situation. It’s messy, hurtful, and a huge divide between you and your mother. We are going through something almost identical – the only difference is we don’t want to get married in a church, and so my FMIL wants us to have a “real” ceremony in the church we grew up in first which happens to be Lutheran. She is adamant that it comes first because it is the “real” marriage. 

I have no idea how we’re going to solve this, since neither R nor I feels comfortable with it. I don’t think there is one right answer. It comes down to balancing your personal beliefs and how much you want to make family happy. Unfortunately, because of how hot a topic religion is, there’s going to be judgment no matter what you do. There will be people who think that going through a ceremony you don’t believe in is wrong, and people who think that letting your mom down on such an issue (especially when she’s paying) is wrong. What’s more, there’s a sense that letting down yourself and your fiance is wrong. 

I wish I could help more. ๐Ÿ™ But I empathize 100%. Keep us updated, please!

Post # 4
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My mom is a strict catholic and I have always known this.  I saw it at my sister’s wedding. She threatened to my sister that she wouldn’t come to my her wedding.  She eventually did but was not happy.

I knew for my wedding, I was screwed. About the time of my sister’s wedding, I was on my sister’s side.  I kind of had a falling out of the catholic church and explored other options with my DH’s church. (He’s lutheran.)  A few months passed and it just didn’t feel right going to his church.  So I went back to the catholic church.  I had to do this because I knew just agreeing to do a catholic wedding would be really hard on me.  But luckily for me and my mom’s sake, I did feel comfortable having a catholic wedding.

Oh, my sister’s wedding, she knew she would get a huge opposition for her non-catholic wedding which is why she had a small wedding.  She and her husband paid for it themselves.

For my wedding, I knew there were other strict catholic traditions and cultural traditons that my parents wanted.  I knew this going in, so I knew from the beginning that if I was to have a wedding, me and my husband would have to be able to afford almost all of it. 

I see you are in a hard hard place.  But if your mom is anything like my mom, she will take the money away if you don’t have a catholic wedding. 

I’m sorry to tell you this but the only way, you would be able to have a non-catholic wedding, is if you pay for your wedding on your own.  I know you said you can’t but honestly with your mom giving you 10k, you kind of have to go with what your mom wants.

I would try to see other options of having a smaller wedding and possibly leaving your mother out of it.  I know I’m going to get a lot of slack for this from the strong catholics.  But this is what it sounds like what you want.

My brother is not a strong catholic but if he were to get married.  He would get married in a catholic church to make my mother happy. I don’t know if I would do that if I was my brother.  I do love my mother and there are certain things I would do for my mom. For me,  it was kind of important to me to have a catholic wedding.  If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have a catholic wedding.

I could say try compromising with your mom but my mom was tough and I have a feeling she might not budge.  I had a catholic wedding but no communion.  I couldn’t tell her this part until the day before my wedding.  I know if I did, she wouldn’t have come.  Or she would have threatened at least.

You already are thinking about having two weddings.  That is the alternative.  Your mom will think this will be the real wedding.  While you won’t. I say do the two weddings so to make your mom happy.

Oh, what about having a priest and a pastor do your ceremony. It will have to be a church wedding, though.

Yeah, I think you are kind of stuck here.

Sorry ๐Ÿ™

Post # 5
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I totally empathize and as my dad is paying for 75% our wedding we just bit the bullet.  We also wanted to have an outdoor, ‘spiritual’ wedding, but as the Catholic church doesn’t do that we had to decide pretty early on.

At the end of the day we decided it’s only an hour of our time and it’ll make my dad so happy.  It’s definitely been hard and challenging at times, but we are almost there!

Post # 6
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

My grandmother offered to pay for the band at our wedding… until she found out we were getting married on the beach and not having a catholic ceremony. We decided it was our day and told my grandmother we didn’t need her help. I’d rather have a DJ than change the entire vision of my wedding.

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow this sounds like a HUGE mess. I will tell you that this won’t end. When you have kids, it’ll be, “raise them Catholic” and “get them baptised” and all kinds of stuff. My niece and nephew are baptised because it’s what their grandma wants, not what my SIL wants.

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My parents actually offered to pay for an entire wedding in Jamaica. Fly out DH’s immediate family, an attendant for each of us, and pay for the honeymoon.

It wasn’t what we wanted, we turned it down, saying his grandparents couldn’t make it, his sister would be 7 months pregnant (with a toddler) and it wasn’t feasible.

They took back their offer to help us pay for the wedding. Very “My way or the highway”

And I think we are better (and happier) that we didn’t do what they wanted. It’s tough to say no and turn it down, but you’ll essentially lose your own wedding day to your mom’s desires AND i’m sure your FI isn’t too thrilled about being strongarmed into Catholicism (eventually she’ll start working on converting him, I’m sure). I know i woudln’t be =

Post # 9
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  ๐Ÿ™  I really don’t think you should go through with a Catholice ceremony (or convalidation) if you and your Fi’s hearts are not into it.  It sounds like it’s very important to your mom and she’s playing the “I’m paying” card to make sure she gets her way.  Honestly, I see a few ways you might be able to get out of this, but all of them are going to have consequences:

1)  You could pretend to go along with the convalidation and then just not show up for the ceremony.  I think this would be a grave mistake; it would probably destroy your relationship with your parents.

2)  You seem confused on whether your Fi was actually ever baptized or not?  He will need to have proof of his baptism in order to get married (or have the marriage convalidated) in the Catholic church.  You could use this as an excuse as to why you can’t have the convalidation ceremony.  I think this would also cause some rifts in your family, especially if your mom then insists your Fi get baptized.  I don’t think it’s a good idea.

3)  You can cancel the wedding your mom is planning and wait until you and your Fi have enough money to pay for your own wedding.  This would suck for you, but I do think it’s your best option.  Your mom might still try to manipulate you into having the ceremony she wants by threatening not to come, but at least you could have the wedding you want. 

I wish you and your Fi the best.  I really feel for you.  Unfortunately, the only way I see out of this situation is to remove your parents’ money from the equation so you can have the wedding you want.

Post # 10
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Also I agree with ejs4y8, that the baptising your kids convo/fight is definitely down the line.  For us, we are both aware that we are going to tell my dad no regardless of how he feels about it.  There’s only so much I’m willing to compromise on at the end of the day.

Post # 11
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just thought of something else. You’re getting married this July.  3 months away?  If you haven’t started the pre-cana process with the catholic church, you won’t have time.  Most catholic churches need at least 6 months or more in advance.  Maybe you could tell your mom that it’s too late to have a catholic wedding. ๐Ÿ™‚ You sound like you are on a timeline.

Post # 12
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

that is horrifying! ooh, I would have words with her if that were my mother.  When is this catholic revalidation ceremony? Can you have it on the sunday after the wedding? I don’t like the idea that she’s inviting guests to attend BEYOND who is already on the wedding guest list. my sneaky thinking says that if you make sure it’s close to the wedding date, you can ensure people aren’t making a special trip for this, and then you know what? Do what you want for your actual wedding day, and then DON’T SHOW UP FOR THE CATHOLIC CEREMONY. Go hide out in a hotel with your new hubby before your honeymoon flight and drink champagne and eat desserts and go to the spa. If she’s mad about the money, I say write her a check when you graduate and get a job and more savings. No one can tell you religion-wise what to believe and what to do. you’re an adult! A free thinking adult.

Post # 13
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If I were you I would just get married first, then not go to the cathlic convalidation. She can’t “undo” the wedding after its happened.

Post # 14
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Please do not agree to a ceremony and then skip out on it. Lying to your family is never a good idea.

Post # 15
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh, I’m sorry.  This is awful.  The only thing I want to tell you is that the ceremony is the wedding.  I think you and your FI have to have the ceremony you want.  Is there anyone else in your family (dad or grandma, maybe?) who can talk to your mom and get her to chill out?

Post # 16
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@lgenz – i dont know – to me, it’d be a taste of her own medicine. Of course lying isn’t a good idea, but when you’ve exhausted all of the other more reasonable options and the mother is still forcefully pushing her religion and guilt on you, where do you draw the line? I don’t think anyone should let themselves be bullied, ESPECIALLY over something so personal. To me, an issue like this would be an absolute dealbreaker. I wouldn’t care if i had to use dixie cups and plates at my reception and change the wedding- i would rather have my way on the important things than someone’s money. And i wouldn’t be shy about explaining the situation, either. It sounds like w/ the mother, if this bossy about church, and appearances etc, a dust-up like I described above would be shameful enough for her and bring her back to a place of compromise.

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