(Closed) Mom is having difficulty adjusting now that I’m married

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I wouldn’t stress.  Your mom needs to chill and find a hobby. 

You totally did the right thing by making some decisions just you and DH.  Also, props to you for refusing to stress out on your wedding day! 

I, too, am very close to my mom, and over the years there have been times that we talk every day and times that she feels like she’s pulling teeth to talk to me once in two weeks.  It sounds like you mom is unhappy with her situation and you were a bright spot in her life- that’s wonderful, but you need to be your own bright spot too. 

What if you set up a regular, just you and mom time?  You could explain to her that your work schedule prevents you from talking every day, and because of that, you would love to dedicate a couple of hours to her- unencumbered by work fatigue or new-wife-dom…

Post # 4
Member
46159 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your Mom needs to get a life, to put it bluntly. Of course, I would not suggest you state it like that. I think she is not only having trouble letting go of you, but also adjusting to retirement. She has too much time on her hands.

One of the hardest things Moms have to do is to loosen the apron strings. I think you have done the right thing by tapering off the phone calls. She is being childish by refusing to call you. Keep calling her every 2-3 days. She is the one who will have to bear the responsibility of making no effort to keep in touch.

She will regret her behavior one day.

Post # 5
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Marriage is an adjustment for everyone, not just the bride and groom. She will come around, but it will take some time. I am going through this now with my mom as I am an only child. Even though I have lived on my own for the past three years, the closer it gets to the wedding the more panicky shes getting. It is silly but I understand.

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You know what? Weddings are about creating boundaries for a newly established family (you and your husband). It isn’t always easy, but it’s really, really important. Hold your ground, let your mom do what she’s going to do – in the end, she will adjust and things will get better!

Post # 8
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh! A suggestion (I did this for my mom, who is in the same boat, and we are worried about it since we are moving to the same town as her) – is there any place around that offers classes in something your mom would enjoy? We gave my mom the gift of some art classes. We’re hoping that will help her foster her love of art/build relationships outside of us. Just a thought for how to do something about this in a positive way!

Post # 9
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I speak to my mom almost every day, even though I’m married, because I like talking to her.  I have a Bluetooth and call my husband to let him know I’m leaving work, then talk to my mom for 10 minutes on the way home.  It’s gotten to the point that when she answers the phone, she automatically asks where I’m driving to.  But it still counts, and I know she loves being this connected.  We rarely talk over the weekend unless it’s something important, because I’m not commuting, but we still talk most days.  Now it’s part of my routine and I look forward to venting about my day to her. 

Maybe you could work out something like that, where you’re not actually giving up any extra time but you’re still keeping in touch.  I agree with PPs that she needs a life, but my mom would also be upset if I just decided “now that I’m married, I’m not talking to you as much.”  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you are doing the right thing!  Try your best not to feel guilty, there’s nothing to be guilty about.  Your mom needs to understand that your DH is your number one – if you put her over him, you could end up with problems in your marriage, and she needs to understand that.  Keep doing what you’re doing and it will all pan out in the end. 

ETA:  I think close relationships are always a good thing, but it sounds like your mom is dependent on you

MissOBG – I think you have a great idea too

even if it is just to say a quick hello, it’d maybe be a comfort,  but I don’t think you should have to go out of your way daily if your exhausted to make your mom feel better

Post # 11
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Try not to feel guilty. You have every right to establish boundaries with family members, especially in a brand new marriage where the relationship between you and your husband should always come first. You aren’t doing anything wrong, disrespectful or rude by trying to limit phone time with mom.

She sounds kinda resentful that you got married by the way she was talking about your flowers and photographs, b/c she may have the classic “I’m losing my daughter syndrome” and can’t constructively deal w/o lashing out.

Hate to say it, but it really does sound like she needs to get a life!

Post # 12
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Help your mom find a hobby, club, class, etc.  Suggest volunteering, a part time job, something!  Ask your half sis to help you help her.  She’s bored and lonely.  When my dad retired he drove us crazy!  

Post # 14
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Kalamaz17:  Now that your mom’s kids are grown up and she is retired, she needs to find herself. Her identity is not in her children or in her relationship with her children. It’s HER… what she loves to do, her hobbies, her passions.

It’s gonna take a while to get used to, but she will eventually find herself. She should make some girlfriends and go on weekend getaways. Or pick up quilting or something.

I don’t think you need to feel guilty… you don’t need to talk to her more than twice a week!
 

Post # 15
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

How long is your drive to and fro, work? Can you call her while you are in the car? My FH started talking to his parents daily when his mom was siclk, he still keeps it up weekdays. Otherwise perhaps pick a time and day of thr week and plan for it she can look forward to it.

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