Weddingbee boards

I honestly, really have no idea what to do. My mom has had money trouble for awhile, hasn't been paying rent, but her landlord has been nice enough not to kick her out. Except now he wants to move back in and share the house with her, and wants her to cook for him and his friend and stuff, but my mom doesn't trust him and feels she needs to leave (not sure I'd trust him either). She has nowhere else to go because she's relied on family already. Of her 3 sisters, one's husband has been unemployed forever, another's husband is undergoing chemo (though his cancer has been declard in remission), and the other was kicking her husband out of the house tonight. She's already moved back in (and out) of her mom's house twice and it was a disaster. She's in Indiana and I'm in NYC and we have no room for her and my two siblings in the apartment, and even if we did, I don't think hubby's family would go for it. But the thought of them in a shelter absolutely KILLS me. I used to volunteer at a shelter with my sister and grandma, and it was supposed to be a GOOD shelter. But the people there... and the fact that my 13 year old brother would be separated from my mom and sister because men and women generally don't stay at the same place. him being alone is what bothers me the most :( She's going to look into shelters that wouldn't split them up, but with so many people have financial problems, I'm afraid they'll be too full. She already tried applying for housing assistance but they already had too many people on the wait list and weren't taking applications. I really, really don't know what to do. There isn't anything I can do. It's just so painful though :(

phew... ok. First things first: she cannot let him move back in when she's got kids. No way.

Now, is there any way the kids can go live with a relative? I know you said she cant, but your relatives have to take some pity on the kids! If so, she could then stay in a shelter for a few months, try to find a job and make some money, and then start over in a new apartment and get the kids back. I know that is a terrible situation and I wish I had better advice.

I am so so so sorry to hear this, it's so troubling.

Thanks everyone. I'm hoping she can figure something out besides a shelter. I really hope my aunts would be able to take her in (or at least my siblings), but they all have kids too and my mom is being too prideful saying she doesn't want to split the family up. I would really hope they'd help, but I'm not sure. At this point, it wouldn't do much good to send her money. The rent for the place she's at right now is even more than what hubby and I are paying here, and I don't think the landlord would back off moving in even if she could magically pay rent now. She does have a church that I hope she contacts. She tried getting help from them about getting a car earlier, but that didn't work. She doesn't have a boyfriend at the moment. The guy with the lake house never wanted to be her boyfriend (despite my mom's hopes), and he eventually found another woman whom he DID like and is seeing her now, so that wouldn't work. There is another man she's kind of talking to, but I'm not really sure if they're at a point where he would actually help her out instead of being scared away.

Sorry for all the errors in my post before. and my brother is 14 (his birthday was two weeks ago), not 13. not that it makes a huge difference.

I'm kind of hoping I can get her to come out to nyc. I would have to get another job most likely, and my plans for going back to school would be on hold, but I would help her with rent here, and I'm sure she'd be able to find a job, even if it's just being a nanny or something, and she won't need a car or anything to get around. But then I worry I would always have to help her with rent if she never finds a good enough job she can take care of her family with. but at least they'd be closer and stuff.

I think you trying to get her to come to NYC might be the best bet unless your siblings wouldn't be going to great schools... if they never got a great education, I'd worry about them falling through the cracks :(

Can I ask a question? Why on earth would your hubby let your mom go into a homeless shelter and your brother get separated instead of bringing her to live with you, even if it's only for a week so she can find somewhere to live and somewhere to work? If his mom was in the same situation, would he want the same for her? Granted there are much bigger issues at hand, but the end result is that it hurts your siblings more than it hurts her to not allow them to stay.

It's not hubby that would say no. We also live with the in laws. Right now, his parents are divorced, but his fil still lives in the house and has been sleeping on a cot in the living room. SIL also comes home twice a week (and pays half of our rent), and she sleeps with MIL in one bedroom while hubby and I have the other. If we had three more people come, I really don't know where they'd go... FIL is set to move out on Nov 28th though, so if she could hold off, that would help. Also, hubby is afraid of her depending on us (rightfully so) because she just keeps depending on everyone (I have other posts about it). Even I worry because she really doesn't try very hard. She was having me pay her electric bill even though she was wasting money going out to the movies and stuff even though she didn't have a real job. She also has cable and such, which is totally unnecessary and a waste of the little money she does have. All of that is reasons why other family won't likely help her either. They might help my siblings, but not her. She has borrowed money and hasn't paid it back, used their credit cards without paying it back, and even when my grandma was charging her $200 a month for rent, she would claim she can't afford it. IF she moved here, I feel like I would need to take over her finances and try to get her in order.

Oh, and I forgot, someone asked if my dad would be able to help, but that wouldn't work either. My dad lives out in Arizona and has also been unemployed since January. As I said, my mom has too much pride and doesn't want to split the family up, even if that means taking both of my siblings with her to a homeless shelter. It really sucks. She's also trying to basically send my dad to jail since he hasn't been paying child support (which kind of gives you an idea of how she is. she rather go after him to get the money he doesn't have either instead of putting that energy into getting another car and a job). She flat out said the other day, before all this happens, that she wants to find a man to take care of them and how she doesn't want to work full time because she wants to be home with her kids. It just blows me away...

I also have another brother who is away in college. I'm not really sure what we'll do about that either, like when he has to come home and stuff. But, thats not our worries right now.

@domestic. She went to the offices and spoke to a person about all the help she can recieve from the government. She was able to get some (food stamps, some actual cash once a month, insurance), but they said the housing assistance wasn't available. Since it's an emergency, I'm not sure if it would change things now. Also, I'm not sure if they would consider it an emergency because, at least for the moment, she isn't being kicked out.

Yeah, I would like to find a place to help her rent out here. I probably won't move in with her (since hubby still has to help pay rent here), but I'm hoping we can find maybe a 3 bedroom around $1500 and then find her a roommate, so between the two of us we could afford it. But, I'm willing to just get them a studio even if that's all we can get. It would just take some time and I hope to God she'd save some money and help me out because at this point, my savings that I had been reserving for school would have to be dumped into this. NYC is VERY expensive, but at least she'd be more likely to get a job. I could always probably pay her rent for some place cheaper in Indiana, but without a car, there is just no way to get around there. I definitely don't want to buy her a car with her track record, and even if I did, her license is currently revoked anyway. As I said, I'm just afraid that if I move her out here, she'll be dependent on me forever to help her with rent which isnt fair to me or hubby. Also, I'm worried that if she doesn't get a job, I'd be stuck paying rent for some place by myself and there is no way I could afford it if it's just me. I have good credit right now and I don't want her to ruin it like she has done to others.

I've attempted to reply a response to this twice - buy my internet is wonky.

Joeswifey - please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

This site here has some good options for alternatives to a homeless shelter and good suggestions if a homeless shelter is necessary for a period of time.:

http://www.nationalhomeless.org/need_help/index.html#3

Unfortunately, it seems like it's time to babysit your mom financially. Which sucks... but it may be a necessary thing to do for a while, ya know?

@Mrs.Moonbaby I'm not 100% sure that they would disapprove. I asked hubby not to talk to his sister yet because I don't have anything concrete yet (my mom is trying to convince the landlord to live in the basement- there's a bathroom, full kitchen, etc down there, and she considers coming to nyc her last option, even before a homeless shelter, why, idk). Hubby's mom doesn't speak English though (a little, but not fluent) so it just makes things more tricky. That and they'd basically be sleeping on the floor in the living room (which is fine by me, but I can understand how MIL would feel uncomfortable).

It would depend what shelter she went to if my brother would be separated from her. I would really really hope she'd come to nyc before she let that happen.

I've thought about just taking my brother and sister, but I don't think I'd be able to really get them enrolled in school or anything without my mom. The lease to this place is in MIL's name, so that would just really make things more complicated if I were to take just them, but my mom won't allow that anyway.

I'll definitely suggest to her to look into churches and such, but I think she would do that anyway since she has before. But, I could be wrong so I'll mention it just incase.

@lilyfaith- I'm not really sure if the state would consider her situation an emergency. She does technically have a place to stay (she isn't being kicked out, at least not at this point), and there isn't any proof that could be presented that her kids would be in danger if the landlord and his friend moved in with them. Nobody is being abused, no drugs are present, and there are plenty of bedrooms so it's not like the landlord or friend would be sharing a room with one of my siblings. It's just a situation that sounds fishy and is very uncomfortable.

@alisha- Thanks so much for that link. I'll definitely send it her way.

He gives my mom and sister the heebie jeebies, and I've only been around him a couple of times when they were first moving in, so I don't personally know really. He himself hasn't made a pass, but for awhile he had my mom and sister working at his nail salons he owns and people who worked there made comments that he has a crush on her and stuff and wants to marry her or something. It's one thing if he's living in the basement and minding his own business, but it sounds like he wants to integrate his life into theirs. Seriously, having her make dinner for him and stuff? I know he's being very kind not to kick her out, but I just think he has an alterior motive. Why doesn't he ever have my brother help out doing things? It's always my mom and sister. Even when it came to helping him pack his stuff and move, he asked my mom and sister to help, not my brother even though its a heavy lifting type of job. I think he is kind of trying to make wifely servants out of them. It's not an appropriate landlord-tennat relationship. I really wish she would have left sooner, but she always has this mentatlity that "things will work out" so she never has a plan B, or thinks of the future or anything except for the future she wishes she had. The roommate in NYC wouldn't be a first choice. I'd try to just find a two bedroom we could afford together, but, as I said, I also don't want to be paying half her rent forever, which I'm afraid would happen.

@jh My aunt owns a house, but she doesn't work, so I really don't know what will happen there (she has 3 young kids. 8, 5, and 2 1/2). My mom occasionally substitute teaches and her neighbor drops her off. She lives in a fairly rural area with zero public transportation. She hasn't had a real job since January. She was going to school, but once her car was taken she wasn't able to get there.

@Valhalla. I know, and I'm afraid of that as well. If it were just her, then I would say a homeless shelter is for the best, but the idea of my siblings being homeless, who are in no way at fault. it completely tears me apart.

I just tried talking to her since the first time last night, but she says she doesnt want to talk. It's so frustrating! She has run out of time to not talk about it (as I said, she usually just says "things will work out"). It's just not fair for my siblings to have to be living on this edge between being just barely making it and falling hopelessly. She thinks that coming to nyc isn't the answer to her problems, but she won't say more than that and I'm having such a hard time understanding! One of her big problems is no car, which she wont need her, which would enable her to find a job (and there are more of them here). I'm tired of her thinking the answer to her problems is finding a man to take care of her! She said she's trying to come up with a plan, but she's not filling me in on anything. Maybe I'm just an emotional wreck, but I feel like she's being so selfish right now! I mean, I know it hurts, and I understand that, but she's not the only one it hurts! I cried myself to sleep last night too, and I know my siblings are in a world of hurt, and my husband is dragged into all of this and just. i dont know. its just so terrible.