Mom is mad at me for moving in with Fi before the wedding…:(

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
10696 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I feel if you are financially independent from your parents then you are an adult and can do what you want. If they’re paying your rent, school, etc. then I think you need to respect their wishes.

Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee

Hey I had this happen to me so much that our wedding not pushed back the whole year we were 19 however my parents are very very upset. I honestly think it made things a little bit harder and Innoway I wish we wouldn’t have because it took away from the wedding in feeling
Married and it has made school a lot harder and money a lot harder since were still young enough finished with school but at the same time something happened to us that I would never take back and I want to have happened if we didn’t move in together so you have to know what’s best for you and follow your life path your parents will get over- good luck if you need to chat Pvm me 

Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee

Hey I had this happen to me so much that our wedding not pushed back the whole year we were 19 however my parents are very very upset. I honestly think it made things a little bit harder and Innoway I wish we wouldn’t have because it took away from the wedding in feeling
Married and it has made school a lot harder and money a lot harder since were still young enough finished with school but at the same time something happened to us that I would never take back and I want to have happened if we didn’t move in together so you have to know what’s best for you and follow your life path your parents will get over- good luck if you need to chat Pvm me 

Member
926 posts
Busy bee

Agree with Mrs.WBS that you are independent now and can make your own choices.

It’s my opinion that I think 21 is young to be married/living with a significant other, but that’s only because I really started to find myself around that age independently (I was dating my FI, but not living together or engaged..I was living with girlfriends)

Try to understand where your parents are coming from– why do they feel so upset by this? Do they agree with your engagement or are they not happy about it? It’s your life, but parents are generally trying to help you and hopefully not doing this to be spiteful towards you for some other reason..

 

Member
11349 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

My mother, on the other hand, feels like we will not finish school if we move in together and she feels like once you take on a responsability like this (paying rent, living together, ect.) people dont finish school.

This doesn’t make any sense. She has to realize that she made this up and that it’s just an excuse. When my FI officially moved in together, I was in school full time and working almost full time, good grades, and graduated. My FI was working full time and then went back to school full time, as well.

Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee

I know where you are coming from When I was about 22 I moved across the country and in with an ex. My mom is very religious and my dad comes from a conservative traditional culture where moving in just isn’t done. My parents were very upset. However I was supporting myself and an adult.

I think sometimes your parents don’t have to agree with everything you do.It cause a big strain but my parents got over it eventually. I told them they don’t have to like me or provide any support to me having to do with my living arrangements. But they had to respect the fact that I am no longer and a child and I make my own choices. I let them know that I loved them and I didn’t want it to impact our relationship, and I am well aware of their objections but I made my choice and we just have to agree to disagree.

I think the fact that I held my own, I didn’t scream yell or cry or get it melodramatic fights with them proved that I had the backbone to do it and that I was serious about it and couldn’t be talked out of it.

You aren’t betraying your parents you just have a difference in opinion with them as you are no longer a child they don’t get to make these big life choices for you any longer.  It’s a normal part of adulthood and growing up.My advice is to stay calm and don’t allow them to see how upset you are, as it may cause them to turn up the pressure.

Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@sfigu16:  

I’ve got to agree with your mom. I don’t know how any parents would be happy with their daughter moving in with their boyfriends and living together out of wedlock. Last time I called it shacking up, someone on here got their feelings hurt so I’ll just call it what you guys want so as to not make you mad.

What I don’t understand is why you think you’re too young to be married, but not too young to live like you are.

Member
9375 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Do your parents have any moral/faith-based objections to you and your FI living together, or are their objections solely focused on your ages and their desire to ensure that you finish school?

Member
3003 posts
Sugar bee

@sfigu16:  I think what you are trying to do is a great decision. You are OLD enough to make your own decisions and you are NOT rushing into marriage. I think that is a very mature and smart decision.

I went through the same thing. I started dating my FI when I was 15 and he was 17. We moved in together when I was 21 and he was 23. We were still in college and wanted to get married, but wanted to wait until we both graduated/had stable careers. He proposed on our 9 year anniversary and we are getting married 12 days before our 10 year anniversary.

Now, I am not saying to wait as long as we did necessarily. It worked really well for us and we do not regret it. I would say that waiting until you are both ready…emotionally, physically, financially, etc is a great idea.

Please do not feel pressured, by your parents or other PPs who think that you must be married before living together. The decision is up to you and your FI, just make sure you are both on the same page. 

ETA: Both my FI and I were first generation college graduates as well! We were both committed to finishing and I do not see how moving in together would in any way negatively impact your decision/chances of finishing.

 

Member
3003 posts
Sugar bee

@dmk90716:  What I don’t understand is why you think you’re too young to be married, but not too young to live like you are.

??Really? Live like they are? What does that mean? I think OP is being very mature and responsible in her decision to wait until she feels prepared for marriage.

Member
600 posts
Busy bee

@dmk90716:  Because living together is a way to test out if a two people can be together all the time, 24/7 (which is a huge change from dating and living separately) without actually having to suffer the legal and financial consequences that come with marriage if things don’t work out.  It’s a serious decision, but less serious than marriage.  It’s also much cheaper to live with someone than living alone.

I think it’s a great idea and agree that it makes 0 sense to think you’ll drop out of school because you’re living with your FI.  No correlation between those two whatsoever.  

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