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Did your Dad cheat on your Mom with his new wife? If he did, I can understand your Mom and siblings not wanting them there. Some people never get over such a betrayal.
I'd take your SM up in her offer and let her stay in the hotel if she's coming.
It amazes me how so many people try to make someones wedding about them!! Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I woudl do the same thing, Invite their family, and unfortunately if your mom decides not to come, she will miss out. I could understand if the divorce was recent, but seriously, its been more than a decade! She needs to get over herself, and put aside her feelings for one day. I would not talk to your family about this right now (certainly send an email back to your stepmom to tell her that they are invited) and once things calm down, sit with them and firmly tell them your decision. Tell them that you will devastated if they can't put their personal feelings aside for YOUR wedding day, but if they feel that they must miss out, then so be it.
I can't imagine that your mom won't come to her senses by the time your wedding comes around. I think you are making the right decision by allowing them to come
Well - yes my dad cheated (however its really messy as he has never officially "admitted" it this is what i've been told). But it wasn't with my SM - he met her 5 years after the divorce. Then had my brother.
@MrsSl82be: I tottally agree.
"Sorry Mom. Then I guess you wont be there." You Mom needs to deal or miss out on YOUR once in a life time day. Its YOUR day. You mom needs to put on her big girl panties, and wear a totally cute dress.
I wouldn't ask SM to stay behind at the hotel, thats aweful. But VERY nice of her to offer.
@brklynmmbb: In another situatioin I would say call your mother's bluff but this is time it won't work. Your brothers are protective of your mother and you are the only sibling that is kind enough to even want to talk to your father.
Since yourmother has been the gracious parent over the years, I would respect her wishes, even though she is using emotional blackmail to get her way. I would tell her this. It is not fair to you. I would also tell your brother this too. He has not right to be upset at you.
Offer a post-wedding brunch with your SM, Father, and half brothers at a lovely restaurant. Invite only yourself and fiancee. Don't even tell your other family you are coming
@brklynmmbb: Stories like this usually are more complicated that one could write or imagine, so there is really no simple answer. This is what I would have done, I would have figured out what I actually really want in my heart and then speak to the person who my decision would impact the most. Personally in this situation I would invite everyone and talk to my mother- it really is yourd day and you obviosly want to share it with everyone special to you- your mother really needs to put her own feelings towards your SM (who sounds like a nice woman) aside and concentrate on her daughter. It is not like you are putting them at the same tabel, they never even need to speak. Good luck, I really hope your mom listens.
I'm sorry to say, but your mom is acting like a child. This woman is someone your father met AFTER they were divorced and she should have no reason not to want to see them. I can understand if seeing your dad makes her upset, but she has to move on and grow up. Put aside her ill feelings toward your father for one day and respect that you want to share the celebration with your WHOLE family, not just parts of it.
Call your mom's bluff. My FI's mom asked me if my FI's step-mom HAD to come to the wedding. I said 'yes, of course, she's part of our lives and it's our wedding' and that was the end of that. I told her that the wedding was about us and celebrating our commitment to one another and nobody else's issues will get in the way of that. We would not be the ones to exclude anyone, only an individual will exclude themselves from our event. So far, his mom has shown up for everything despite his step-mom being there as well. FI's step-mom is also a woman who had nothing to do with their divorce, so similiar situation.
your mom's being a drama queen. I'm sorry but she's in the wrong, your wedding isn't about her failed marriage, and I feel bad for you that she's doing this and acting like this. I donno how serious your mom is with ultimatums but usually the person ends up not following through. I'd tell them not to put you in the middle and invite them all. Your mom will probably show up anyway.
@brklynmmbb: Wow! I can really sympathize with your situation being in a similar one myself. Long story short, my older sister and her husband raised me (and younger sister) after our mom (and sole guardian...no dad in sight) passed away. My brother in law was like a father to me and was married to/with my sister for over 15 years. Somewhere around year 13 he cheated and is currently still with that same woman. Needless to say, there is a lot of animosity, however, my older sister has made it very clear to me that her ex was always a good "big brother" to me and I should not think twice about inviting them both (since they live together now it would be rude not to allow him a plus 1). My sister let me know that even though she can't stand the "other woman", the past is the past and the wedding is about me (and SO) and not about anyone else's drama.
I agree with PP that said that you should stay firm, invite your father and his new wife and make it clear to your mother that this ONE DAY is about you and your FI and not anyone else's drama. Perhaps you can arrange it so your mom is far away from her ex and his wife on the day?
There is no right or wrong answer here.
What I think I would do (who knows until you are there) is tell mom )probably via a note so you can be sure to get it all out.
"I am sorry that what has happened between my dad and you is getting in the way of you celebrating my marriage. I want to celebrate with all the people in my life, and that includes all of my family. And my family DOES include my stepmother and my broher. This day isnt about the past, but about my future and I want everyone who has supported me and will support me to be there. If you cant support me, then I guess I will have to celebrate this day without you.
Please don't respond yet. Take time to think about the situation. I reallt want you to be there"
EDIT: And I wouldnt call this "calling her bluff" because you have to be ready for the fall out. She might not come.
But I would also think about, would you hold a grudge against your mother and then be angry with yourself because you let her manipulate you? That you couldnt make a decision about your own wedding and your family members? That you could stand up and be an adult to your mother? I know I would and I would end up so angry our relationship would have issues whether I gave in or she didnt come. At least if she didnt come I would be proud of who I was and how I handled the situation- like an adult and not a small child.
Compromises are made on distant relatives, venue, food, decorations. Not brothers and step moms you want there.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. There really is no easy answer. It is absolutely not fair of your mother to manipulate the situation like this, and it's even worse that your brother meddled where he had no business. But unfortunately, this is the situation you are stuck with.
I think I personally would be too afraid to call her bluff in case she isn't bluffing. Is it worth taking a stand to not have your mom (and potentially brothers if they follow her lead) at your wedding at all? Anyone with common sense will see this for what it is, childishness on their parts, and it will not reflect poorly on you. You are lucky that your stepmother is so gracious, so that is not another difficulty. I say this because I did not go to my sister's wedding due to the drama that she herself started. I needed to stand my ground and make my point. We have a better relationship now, and I regret it all the time, especially as my own wedding approaches. I can't imagine how awful she must have felt. It is possible your mother could end up feeling that way and back down, but it is also possible that like me, she'll stand her ground, not go, and you'll both be stuck with regrets. I like the idea of the next day brunch. Or is it possible that stepmom and family can come to the ceremony but not the reception? I realize it's awful, but it sounds like she would be understanding and realizes that your hands are kind of tied in this and you're just trying to compromise so that all the people who are important to you can share the day. Good luck with whatever you decide.
thank you all :)
To be honest right now i'm not 100% sure how i'm going to react, i may give it a couple of days to settle and hopefully gain some perspective. All i can really do is hope for the best and that everything will work out. I'm really hoping my mom over the next 2 months will get used to the idea and come around. If not i'll take it from there..
Its one of the reasons i want my dad and his family there is I don't want any regrets. 10 years from now when i look back i'm sure i'll be happy no-one was excluded. The main thing which i have to remember to keep focusing on, is no matter what happens on the day, at the end i will be married to my wonderful man :) and thats the whole point really isn't it??
Thanks to all for yor advice and listening :)
Yes...at the end of the day you will be married to your wonderful man.. Best of luck fellow Bee!! :)
Cyber hugs. What an awful situation they have put you in. I was so ready for you to say your SM was the mistress, so then it would have been cut and dry. But 5 years after the divorce, there just isn't any rhyme or reason. @lefeymw: letter sounds right.
I personally wouldn't want to give in to your moms blackmail either, because where does this end? Do guys have children together yet? If not is she gonna pull this card at your kids baptism (if your religious), first 1 Bday party, other family functions??? the list goes on and on of how far she can potentially take this.
Please keep us updated. I'm so sorry.
@brklynmmbb: My mom over the years has been amazing, she offers her love unconditional and would do anything for us. Fast forward to my FI and I announcing our engagement. Mom offers love support, help etc.My dad however doesn't and at one point says he won't even be attending. The point we are at right now is that he IS attending (he has to travel internationally) but his wife/kids will be staying home. He eventually after months of avoiding phonecalls offered us some support (which we are very thankful for).
Actually, I hadn't read your first post prior to posting my previous response. After reading this part of your post ^^^ it actually makes my lean slightly towards your moms side. However, I totally don't agree with her making it about her.
Put your peacemaker hat aside for second. I believe that respect is earned. Seems like you have made all the effort for a relationship with your dad, yet he seems pretty selfish and has a recent history of holding out on the communcitiaton. IF you mom knows all of this I can totally see why she's feeling slighted (again, not that I agree with how she's going about it). Your dad is making you jump thru hoops to get his kernals of attention, that doesn't sit right with me.
Maybe i'm looking too much into your post, but thats what I get from it. If thats the case then, yes I would have the wife and kids, simply stay away. Meet them for a brunch the next day. I say this because it's your mom who has been consistant where as your dad comes around at his convienence --without regarding your feelings. Doesn't sound like your mom has a history of being a drama queen.This seems like this is the one topic that does make her behave irrationally. But, I wouldn't risk my relationship with the person who has a proven track record of having my back over someone who isn't equally yoked. If you decide to have your mother attend, simply let her know this will be the ONLY time that you will make this consession (refering to my previous post).
Again, no direction you choose is going to be easy, I wish you luck.
Wow, this sucks! I am so sorry! It's a shame that there has been an ultimatum and you are 100% right that no one is thinking of you and your feelings. This day is not about your mom. It's not about your brothers. It's not about you dad. It's about you and your FI. Actually, I take that back, the only one thinking of you right now is your step mom. I agree with sitting on things for a few days. I would speak with your step mom though. Let her know that you and your FI want her there, but you're just not sure how much drama it's going to cause. Thank her from the bottom of your heart for being the ONLY person willing to compromise and let her know how much this means to you. Regardless of what you decide, I would make sure she knows just how much her willingness to sacrafice has meant for you.
Disclaimer: Obviously this is a very complicated situation and we're on the outside looking in. So forgive me if I'm off the mark. But here's what I think just based off your posts:
Why would you go out of your way to hurt the parent that has always been there for you and supported you in order to accomodate the parent that has NOT been there for you, has often acted selfishly, and didn't even want to attend the wedding at one point?
It confuses me that when your dad makes demands (first he won't come to the wedding, then he deigns to come, then he announces that he's coming BUT only with his family), you think that's completely fine and don't seem upset at him at all. But when your mom makes this one request, it's all of a sudden unreasonable of her? Why are you willing to meet your dad's demands and do things on his terms, but not your mom's?
It must be very hard for your mother to see you work hard to maintain a relationship with your dad even though he's acted selfishly and is not a great dad (by your own admission). It must be hard to have him at the wedding. But she is dealing with it. In an ideal world, she'd be fine with the stepmom coming as well. But she's not a saint, she's a real person who's been really hurt by your dad! Why can't you cut her some slack?
i had to tell my mother to "beat the street" too. she was so uber concerned about herself and didn't care one bit about making me happy on MY day. she's a selfish bitch and i'm sick of it all. she will look like the ass on my wedding day, not me...or anyone else. i say - tell her to TAKE A HIKE.
As someone who grew up with a similar father I can relate to trying adn trying to have a relationship with them. That want never goes away no matter what. My father is a little different than yours and was abusive and is a drug user. He will not be coming to my wedding but that is because I cut him out of my life for good after he failed his last UA andlost custody of my youngest sister.
But you father is not the same brand of selfish. My mother did do wonderful by me but never faulted me for wanting to try and salvage something with my father. I know that want never goes away. What I would do is invite them. Explain to your mother that you know he wronged her and has wronged you all but you want to try to have something with him rather than cutting him out completely and wondering what if the rest of your life. I spend a lot of time with my half siblings and would love to have them at my wedding, that may be an impossibility for me so I understand the devistation of not being able to have someone who means something to you not be there.
I would also try to explain to your mom what you said, their divorce has nothing to do with your brothers. While they are not her kids they are YOUR siblings and you care for them. the divorce between your parents was not their fault.
AS for your other brothers this is none of their business. May explain to your mom that while they will be there she does not need to have contact with any of them. Also I would explain to your father that he should probably avoid your mom during the ceremony and reception but it is still important that he be there.
Yes your mom's feelings are important and you don't want to hurt her but she also should not be hurting you for wanting a relationship with your father. She may not like the idea of him being there but it is ultimately your call. I don't believe she would miss your wedding over it.
I know from personal experience if I ended up inviting my father, my mom would hate him being there, but she would respoect that I wanted to try to salvage something and would just minimize any contact. Usually when there is THAT much animosity between people they will naturally avoid each other.
Also,
@GirlWithARing - Her wanting a relationship with her father and his children and wife is not a slight against her mother. It is a want that will probably never go away no matter how selfish he acts, most girls and women want their dad. Yes he mother was hurt by her father and that animosity will never go away, but like it has been said he did not cheat with this woman and it was over 10 years ago. She can tone it down and avoid contact, and he can avoid contact as well, and let her daughter make the decisions over whether or not she wants her father in her life rather than trying to make them for her.
My mother did this with me. She hated my father for many years but when I saught out a relationship with him, no matter how much she disagreed she let me form my own opintions about him rather than saying how much it hurt her or how bad he was to all of us. I know he was/is bad and have since formed my own opinion, but I think it is important to let your children form their own opinions about their father/mother in a divorce situation.
I understand where you are coming from, its so difficult as i am trying to cut my mum some slack - but in the process I'll hurt 2 little boys and myself (as i really do want them there).
A few years back i gave myself a choice. I could of cut my dad off completely, OR choose to have some resemblance of a relationship with him. I chose to move on with my life, leave the past in the past and try and salvage some sort of relationship with him moving forward. I live in another country from my dad so i really only see him once a year. And on the most part this has worked.
Even with everything that happened he's still my dad and i love him. (He hasn't been ALL bad over the years ). With regards to my mom the thing about the situation is she does want my DAD at the wedding she just doesn't want to have to look at his new wife and kids. I'm trying to understand where she is coming from but i just can't wrap my head around it. Like a PP stated if my SM was the one he cheated on i could maybe understand but she wasn't - she came into his life many years after the divorce. I have given my mom a lot of leeway in this wedding, we are having an 100 person wedding, 60 of those are my moms immediate family (she has 11 siblings with kids), she asked me to invite a number of her friends (which i did), and BOTH of her ex-boyfriends (which i did although they rsvp'd no). My dad on the other hand didnt ask me to invite anyone and only wanted to bring his wife and kids. She'll have such a big support network at the wedding its unreal. HOWEVER, i still really don't want to upset her any more so 'll have to think long and hard on how to handle. I like the idea of writing my SM an email as really she is the only person thinking about my feelings and what i want.
Thank you to everyone for your advice, i'm in one big mess over here and trying my best to scramble out of it!
Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I'm so sorry you're going through this 
It's funny how nobody cares about what YOU want for YOUR wedding...I guess it's true when people say weddings bring out the worst in people.
Good luck with this <3
Wow, this sucks and I am so sorry you need to go through this! People need to realize that planning a wedding is stressful enough without all their secondary drama on top.
I think that you need to tell your step mom you want her there. Clearly she's the only one mature enough to think about you, and your real mom needs to realize that you didn't just pick a name out of a hat - you guys thought about this, and if she can't seemingly get over herself then maybe she needs a wakeup call. Tell her she doesn't have to come if she can't be a grownup, and maybe that'll shock her into realizing she can do it.
If your dad met his new wife five years after the divorce then it shouldn't be a problem. At least it doesn't have to be.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this :(. It's amazing how weddings can sometimes bring out the worst things. I've been lucky to avoid too much family drama, but I can give you one piece of advice- make a decision about the guest list and be 100% firm and set with it. I've tried to approach my wedding in a diplomatic/laid back/open minded kind of way, thinking that that would result in the least amount of conflict, but to be honest, it almost makes it worse. Some people tend to see diplomacy as weakness and they'll try to railroad you, trying to get you to do what they want. It's much better to make a decision and be firm with others. I never wanted to have to say the words "it's my day" but sometimes it's best to put your foot down and assert yourself, even if you wind up sounding like a brat. Your step mother seems like a very sweet lady, and I'm sure she understands where the conflict is coming from. I don't know your family dynamic, but I think one of the previous suggestions was good- maybe do some kind of special brunch with your dad's family? That way they can feel like they helped celebrate with you in a drama-free environment. Maybe you can even make up invitations to make it feel even more special or official?
Good luck!! :)
OMG I am so sorry. I just feel like this is such a tough situation for you to be in!! I would tell your dads family that they are more than welcome bc it seems like that was what you wanted in your posts. The SM obviously isnt trying to be mean she offered to stay behind she is acting like an adult. I would tell your mom, that they are family and you want them there, and you hope that she will also be there. Say you are my mom, and I love you, You have always been there for me, so I hope that you will be there on the most important day of my life, and be happy about it!!! I really hope everything works out for you!! Keep us posted and dont be to stressed. This time should be fun!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is completely unfair that your mother has placed you in this situation. It is NOT your responsiblity to make her feel better about the divorce, his new family etc. It is certainly NOT within her rights to make you choose sides. No, their marriage didn't work out, but you DO have little brothers that SHOULD be at your wedding. And your dad has a right to be there too. Maybe she wouldn't feel this way if she had re-married and had more children. Maybe she feels like he's been more successful without her or something... but whatever her feelings are they are NOT your responsiblity. And its NOT fair of her to make this day about her instead of you.
Honestly, I would tell her that you are inviting your family and that includes her, your dad and your brothers and SM. I would tell her you will be disappointed if she chooses not to attend your wedding--- but honestly she is an adult and its her choice. She is treating you like a child by saying who you can and can't invite. And that is going to cause problems when you have children. As a previous poster stated imagine, holidays, 1st birthdays etc. She has to get used to the idea of your father's family being important to you too. And she needs to realize that even though you love them it does NOT mean you love her less.
Please don't let her bully you into making a decision against your family. Tell her everyone is invited including her and she is responsible for her own choices. It's a big drama storm now, but eventually she will cool off and make a rational choice once she realizes you are an adult.
First, I have to steal GirlWithARing's disclaimer: Obviously this is a very complicated situation and we're on the outside looking in. So forgive me if I'm off the mark. But here's what I think just based off your posts:
It sounds like everyone involved was initially fine with your dad coming without his new family. Your stepmother also seems fine with not coming to the wedding.
I can understand Corilee13's point about the desire for you to have a relationship with your father never going away regardless of what happens. However, if I had parents who were on opposite sides of an issue, I believe I would defer to the one who had actually been there for me consistently, as your mother has been.
Aside from that, I truly am sorry that you're having to deal with such a tough situation. I really hope that it can be resolved in a way that seems to work out best for everyone.
@brklynmmbb: ummmm... let's ignore the whole dad part, and skip to the kids. adults aside, ('cause let's face it: adults can be DUMB), what about your two little brothers?
Now, I'm gonna go gruesome on ya here and say a fact: the kids will, most likely, outlive your mother.
You already have a relationship with your mom, but what about those two little kids? I'd be more angry about my mother denying to small kids who aren't gonna understand other than "I didn't get to go to my sisters WEDDING because of her mom?!?" I'd think that would eat away at them for a looong time. (questions like: why didn't she stand up for us to be there? Why did she let Dad come but make US, her own siblings, stay at a hotel???)
If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling my mom that I want MY SIBLINGS at my wedding and the only way they're gonna come, is if their parents come. The day isn't about her, it's about YOU and YOUR GROOM!!!
Obviously the adults are gonna have their opinions formed already, and I'm sure the youngsters have opinions that have been formed for them (naturally, due to their environment... human nature). BUT, I'd want to try and make sure that they know I'm the good guy here and that I love them AS my siblings.
Of course, if you don't have a good relationship with them and don't plan on having one afterwards, I'd say "screw it" and hand it to a third party: my fi. and tell him that I don't care what happens, just take care of it. for better or for worse, right? might as well start living those words now! LOL!
good luck and sorry you gotta deal with this crap!!!
I really feel your pain. I have had major problems with my parents: My dad cheated and left my mom after 35 years of marriage (8 years ago) and pretty much ALL my wedding related stress has been due to this situation.
Regardless, They should be able to put aside their feelings for one day and think of what you and your fiance want. I know it's not that simple, but it isn't about their divorice, it's about your marriage.
JMO, a wedding is not up for negotiation, it is not a democracy. 20, 30, 40, 50yrs from now, you and your husband will be remembering your special day.
Yout Mom NEEDS to remember it is not about her and she can suck it up, smile and avoid your Dad (no one is forcing them to dance and chat with eachother)
I would say "Sorry that your hatred for Dad and his wife ios deeper than your love for me, but you are an adult and if that is how you feel then I respect it. Sorry you will not be attending the wedding"
You do not need negativity and this is like negotiating with a terrorist..a fools errand. If she is bluffing then she'll only sulk b/c she could not emotionally black mail you, if she is serious then she has to live her life knowing she chose hate (for your dad and SM)over love (for you).
You will have a beautiful wedding and she will have pain and regrets...not your fault or problem do not put it on yourself
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All -
This is an update to my following post .
Basically to put it politely s**t really hit the fan this weekend. On Saturday i guess my older brother found out that my dad would be bringing his new family and decided to call my dad. They have a screaming argument (how dare he bring them etc etc). My brother then calls me screaming at me how could i be so insenstive, its not all about me etc etc. so of course i'm upset (FI and some friends were with me at the the time). FI then calls my dad (i'm too upset to call) to reiterate - we don't know really what just went down but we wanted to stress that they are ALL welcome at our wedding and none of this energy is coming from us.
Fast forward 20 mins i get a call from my mom who says shes had enough and she wants to tell me that if my dad brings them she will NOT be attending my wedding. Sigh. we have a brief conversation (i'm in public so trying not to be a blubbering mess). Shes being serious :( urgh its all so messy. None of them (my mom and siblings) are thinking of me - they are only thinking of my moms feelings. i KNOW its going to be difficult for her - i'm not saying it isn't. but i just want them all to put it aside for ONE day - is that really so much to ask?
Anyway - that evening i get a private email from my dads wife. she of course is upset but wants to speak to me directly (she's not listening to any more second hand info). my brother/mom have been telling them on one of their phonecalls to them that wants them there , including my moms very large family (which is bull as they want what makes me happy and really dont have anything against my dad). Anyway she (dads wife) basically wants to get the truth straight from me whether we want them there or not and under no circumstances should i feel obliged to invite them. She also very sweetly said she really didnt want to cause me any more upset and if it would make my life easier and less stressful she would graciously stay beind in the hotel with my brothers. So now i'm in this situation where potentially i have to leave them in the hotel (my dad would still be coming) while we all go and celebrate my wedding? this s#cks! or should i stick my ground, have them there and potentially my mom doesn't show or is miserable on the day'?
However i honestly don't think i can face this day without my mom. no matter what happens now i lose, and i honestly can't see myself enjoying the lead up and the day of my wedding anymore :(