Post # 1
So, my wedding is in March of next year. I am doing the bulk of the planning this summer before I go back to work in mid-August (I’m a teacher). My mom and dad have been super generous in paying for my entire reception… venue, catering, open bar, cocktail hour… it will be amazing! The average cost for this will be approximately $10,000-$12,000. This, however, is all they can afford to pay and I am totally fine with that.
To pick up the rest, my fiance and I have agreed to pay for the other vendor costs – my dress, cake, flowers, DJ/video, and photographer. These vendors will cost about an additional $8,000 which we can afford. The issue is that my mom thinks the additional vendor costs are outrageous and that we shouldn’t pay $800 for our wedding cake (although that is what my dream cake will cost). She wants to go with a more simple cake for $450. This has gone on with every vendor that my fiance and I are going to be paying for. Her comments make me feel like I’m acting spoiled… she’s said things like… “You’ve never been to a wedding that is going to be as extragavent as this will be” and “Nobody cares about the cake” and “You are going way over the top.” But, I feel like this is MY wedding and if some of the vendors I want are a bit more expensive than others, at least I know they are going to do a good job. Maybe I’m overexaggerating, but my mom is making me feel like I’m acting bratty because my wedding is going to probably be the best wedding anybody in my family (and extended family) has ever had. I guess that’s a good thing, but my mom is making me feel spoiled and bratty about it.
What to do?
Post # 3
well, while i do think $800 for your cake seems rather steep, this is YOUR money, so it is really up to you. i mean, it isn’t like you are asking her to shell out more than they offered to pay to finance the things you really want. it is a very delicate situation, but if you can, i would find a nice way to phrase it, like, “we are sooo grateful for everything you are doing to help us with our dream wedding, and we are so lucky that we have the resources to be able to afford some of our dream vendors ourselves” or something like that. she’s being negative, so turn that upside down by being extra positive.
Post # 4
Don’t tell her what they cost. While I do think that $800 for a cake (for me) is a bit much, it’s your money like you said. She probably doesn’t see why it would be necessary. Lots of people won’t. It’s okay. I just wouldn’t discuss the actual cost of the vendors with her, it’s not necessary.
Post # 5
Thanks for the input. It’s hard to not let my mom know the price of things because she is attending vendor consultations with me. I want to include her in the wedding planning process, so she has been attending and, of course, giving her opinion on the cost.
Post # 6
Sounds like they offered to pay for the reception and she feels a little hurt that what they could offer doesn’t seem “good enough for you” so she’s having “where did I go wrong” feelings to mask that.
If you want things that are on the expensive side and you also want to include her in all the consultations, I think your only options are 1) ignore it or 2) talk to her about it
Post # 7
@amw511s: I understand that you want her involved, but it comes with a price. You either don’t take her with you anymore (which really isn’t a big deal) or you deal with her ranting about how you spend your money. Maybe just take her on trips/consults that are reasonably priced in her mind? My mom has only been dress shopping with me and she still feels plenty involved because we come up with ideas together, talk about how we want such-and-such to be decorated and I text her pictures. I think you may be able to find a happy medium. Good luck. 🙂
Post # 8
I’d say, “Mom, I don’t feel comfortable discussing pricing with you for things that FI and I are paying for because you seem to comment on all of them – I want you there and for you to be able to be involved in all of this, but please let FI and I make decisions on costs for the parts we are paying for.”
If she has a fit, I’d stop bringing her. The other option is to tell the vendors ahead of time that you are bringing your mother and would prefer them to e-mail you costs after the consultation as you don’t want to discuss pricing in front of her. But I really don’t think your mom needs to be attending all of these meetings, my mom doesn’t and she still feels involved because afterwards I’ll stop by her house and show her pictures and stuff.
Post # 9
It’s nice to know that other people are having similar problems! My parents are making me feel like a brat/spoiled for wanting a sit down meal at my wedding. Thankfully I haven’t accepted their money yet and my fiance and I can pay for it ourselves if necessary.
Post # 10
@amw511s: Are you your parent’s only child or the 1st one to get married?
I think that you and your fiancee should do what you want as long as it is within your power to do. It sounds like you have a budget and things work out so it should be fine. I have found with my Mom and my Mother in Law that since I am the 1st child to get married in my family and my fiancee is his Mom’s only child, they are SUPER OPINIONATED and it is driving us a little crazy from time to time.
Keep your comminucation open with your fiancee and stick to your guns.
Post # 11
Stop telling her what things cost, or tell her “oh it’s very reasonable” and change the subject.
Post # 12
Ohh, I’m having the same problems. My parents gave me a dollar amount and then told me the list of everything they wanted to pay for. It basically made me feel like I had a budget with no give, even though me and FI can afford to help, they don’t want us to. Even worse, my mom gave me a list of the things that FMIL and FFIL should pay for, and was upset when thier dollar amount wasn’t enough to suffice for that list (which the list was ridiculous!). SOOOOO frustrating:(