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I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice for you, except *HUGS*!
My mother is the same way. I recently found out that my little sister had a huge heart to heart with her about the way it makes me feel like she doesn't even care that we're getting married. Apparently they talked about it while I was with the future in-laws for christmas, but it still feels like nothing has changed. In my mind it seems like my parents just don't think about it.
I wish I had some tips for you to make you feel better. I just keep thinking about the fact that the wedding is about the two of us coming together as a couple forever, but it does little to soothe my tears or the pain I feel about my family.
If you ever want to talk more about this feel free to PM me. It was nice reading what you wrote and just knowing that someone else has the same situation to go through (esp. when all of my friends' mothers are SUPER involved in their weddings).
Well I'm kinda in the same boat. My mom is excited, but she never asks how the planning is going or offered to help. I don't need the help, but it would be nice if she asked. She is planning our wedding shower so I should be happy about that, but I feel like my FMIL is more excited! My FMIL is always asking how things are going with the wedding planning, willing to share ideas, and shes even hosting an at home reception for us!
I'm sure your mom is excited for you, maybe shes just not into the wedding planning! Hope it works out!
my mom isn't really into wedding planning either. she's excited for the wedding, and will do some things when i ask her, but she made it very clear in the beginning that she was happy that my fi and i were doing the planning, because she just didn't want to. sometimes i'm ok with that because that means less opinions to deal with, but sometimes it would be nice to have my mom's help! i'm finding it easier to get her to participate in things that she is interested in. for example, my mom loves to bake so she helped me make all of my favors, homemade cookies.
I know exactly how you feel. My mom really isn't into it at all, and I kind of have to drag anything wedding-related out of her. She's just not all that interested. It's very, very frustrating, and it really hurt me at first, but I'm at the point where I kind of understand that it's just how my mom is and there's nothing I can do to change her.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this - I know it's not fun! The only advice I can really give you is to turn to the people who ARE excited about wedding planning - for example, I know I can talk to my sister or my best friend when I have wedding stuff to talk about, because they will be excited. I've just accepted that my mom isn't going to be as excited as I'd like, and that's okay.
my mom's not into wedding planning either!! Any time I call her up to ask her for an opinion, I get a response like, "do what you want that makes you happy" or "that sounds fine, I'm okay with anything". I know she doesn't mean it in a hurtful way, she just really doesn't have a strong opinion one way or the other! But it's kind of nice because it really gives me freedom to do what I want so I don't have any drama with her about doing what she wants (though at the same time I do sometimes wish for more of an opinion from her). She loves the idea that I'm getting married and is really excited for me, she just wants me to do what makes me happy. I find comfort in talking with my fiances mom about details that my mom isn't too concerned with if that helps!
I skibobrown,
I can certainly relate to your feelings of sadness over your mom's lack of interest.
My mom is not into weddings; she didn't even get married herself, because she's so not into them! So since I've become engaged it has been an absolute struggle to get her involved. She wasn't around to help me pick out my dress, or for any aspect of the planning, for that matter. In her defense she does live a couple hours away from me, but even my attempts to get her involved from a distance (emailing her pictures of dresses that I've tried on to get her opinion) have gone completely unanswered.
It is definitely hurtful that my mother won't even humour me with something that means so much to me.
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing a similar situation, but you're not alone! Hold your chin up, and I guess that we just have to accept that some people aren't going to be as excited as we are! The important thing is that I'M excited for the big day! You should be too!
Oh girl, you are not alone. My mom could care. less. Part of that might be her five previous marriages, or the fact that at the most recent one she wore black and did it at the courthouse, or the fact that she has recently totally reevaluated her life and decided that she doesn't care about anything anymore (holidays, birthdays, religion, friends, etc.). No kidding, she really told me all this. Apparently the only things that make her happy are my stepdad and their grandkids, who are not related to her by blood, but that's alright. She has repeatedly thanked me for "not making her have anything to do with 'all this wedding crap.'" Well, gee, mom, you're welcome. I love my mom, and she's been through a lot, and I would never make her be involved, but I have to say--this is not how I pictured my wedding planning experience. And I honestly have no idea if she's excited that I'm getting married or not--I'm not sure I want to ask, because she might not have an answer I like. But I do have other wonderful people in my life who are excited for me and who do offer to help--do you have other support? If you want to vent, come to the Hive, it's what we're here for. You already know you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, and I think you're handling it as well as you can. You're sister sounds great and like she's really going to bat for you! Yay! Good luck, and we're always here when you need us!
My mother is the same way, and always has been... my dad took me shopping and stuff when I was a kid and I have a feeling dress shopping will be the same way... luckily FMIL is really into all things girl and party planning (even if she has tacky taste lol) so I don't have to do it all alone. I just have to filter suggestions!
My mom wasn't to involved in planning our wedding either. I didn't understand why - she would ask how planning was going, and when I would ask her opinion on something she would just say "I'm sure whatever you want to do is fine. You can make your own decision." I was hurt at first and thought that she didn't care, but she told my sister that she didn't want to control anything about the wedding, that she wanted to make sure that I was doing things that we wanted, not because I was just going along with her opinions. Once I understood that, it made a lot more sense and I changed the way I talked to her about planning.
My mom jokes to people how she will be a guest at my wedding because she has no idea what is planned. My wedding is 3 weeks away and I can say her involvement was minimal. I just found out that my mother invited some of her friends to the hair and make up before our ceremony without even asking me. Her friends who do not speak a word of English, so she will be busy trying to entertain them instead of spending precious moments with her only child.... oh and now I have to figure out how I will fit 12 people in a hotel room. My mother had over a year to select photos of me for the slide show. I had to do it by myself because she never got around to it in time when she doesn't work and has a maid.
This time of my period has been very disappointing for me in terms of our mother daughter relationship. It has comforted me in knowing that I am not the only one. I promise to never act like that with my daughter.
Wow its good to know that there are other moms out there like this. My mom was barely around when I went dress shopping. I'm the only child and we've never been extremely close, but I guess I was still hopeful. I think sometimes she doesn't give her input because we have two extremely different tastes in life when it comes to things. I'm with MsMarch2010 in the fact that I hope I never act this way to my kids - and on more things then just their wedding.
Oh wow! I guess I'm not the only one then! Thanks for all of your support everyone... and keep the stories coming. I feel kind of bad complaining about my mom, b/c really she is a great mom, and I know that somewhere deep inside she really is excited about my wedding. She just doesn't express her excitement in the way that many moms do -- by wanting to be involved, or getting all giddy that there is going to be a wedding in our family.
Like many of you, my mom often doesn't weigh in on any of my wedding-related decisions... even when I ask her to. I think this is her attemp at not being judgemental, but it comes off that she is disinterested. I guess I probably need a change of perspective -- like @realeastcoaster.
@artbee -- I also have been trying to include my mom in the parts of wedding planning that I think she will enjoy, but at times that hasn't worked out so well. When my sister and I were little, my mom was always setting up arts & crafts projects for us, so I thought that maybe my mom would enjoy helping out with some DIY project. Well, when I asked her if she wanted to help out w/ some crafting projects, she said that she hates arts & crafts, and she only set up those projects for us b/c she thought that was what a mother was "supposed to do". Ugh.
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one either! The only things that my mom cares about are my dress and her outfits for the wedding. Now that those are pretty much locked down, she hasn't called in two months to talk about the wedding with me. It's hard, but I have other supporting family members who are really making up for her. Good luck, skibobrown and I'm sorry for your pain.
I think as Moms, we sometimes don't know where we 'fit' in our daughter's wedding planning. Both of my daughters are completely different in just about every way.
When the first one to get married last June asked me to plan everything and they'd just show up that day,I thought she was kidding. She wasn't! She'd been listening to her friends/co-workers talk about all their wedding plans for years,so I think she was just sick of it. She didn't want the stress of searching or making decisions and told me I'd do a better job than she ever could. It was flattering,but strange and unexpected. When I was talking to a few of my friends about it they all said the same thing....all of our Moms planned everything about our weddings and we just picked our dresses and BM dresses and bouquets and showed up to get married! lol
My older daughter is very involved in everything,but still asks me a million things every day,because even tho she's one of the last of her friends to get married,she works FT and is taking classes online for another degree. I'm home now,so its been easier for me to find things,run them by both of them and once they decide, I make the arrangements or purchases and its worked out great. My house looks like Wedding Central having both weddings in less than a year.
The 3 of us were the only ones who went shopping for their dresses,shoes,accessories,flowers and their men did the tastings,venue search, and all the rest they wanted to be involved in.
I'm just guessing here,but many of you may have been been very independent for most of your lives,and never really needed your parents' opinions or imput once you became adults. Maybe they think that's exactly what you wanted to do when it came time to this as well. Rather than cause hard feelings ,they've just backed off. Maybe they think its a lot of money for a big party since they've been through it before. How many parents have said they'd rather give you money for a down payment on a house than pay for a wedding?
Like I said,its really hard to know our places and how much we're wanted or needed unless we're told.
I'm so sorry. :( I know exactly what you're going through. I posted a thread about my similar situation recently and got a lot of great advice which ended up with me talking to her about it on a much more serious note than I had before. Since then she has been way better. She comes up with ideas, she went to a wedding show, and she even took pictures of my venue for me (which is about 40 minutes from her house but 20 hours from mine). Here is the thread:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mom-could-care-less-about-the-wedding
I hope their advice can help you too.
<3
Oh, I thought I was the only one who was dealing with this! My mom got remarried about a year and a half ago and since then has kind of become distant from my sister and me. She seems like she couldn't care less about my wedding. She actually asked me the other day if she had to come to the rehearsal, and when I started to ask her if she could bring some food for us and my bridesmaids while we are all getting ready the morning of the wedding, she told me I should go out the night before and stock the fridge! She also brought her husband along dress shopping with me, and wanted to bring him when we went shopping for her dress! It's like she's become a self-absorbed teenager. I've thought about talking to her about it, but I feel like she'll just deny everything and claim how excited she is. Ugh, thanks for letting me vent :)
My mom is/was the same way. But she's always been that type of person who just isn't interested in much, so I really didn't expect her be any different just because I was getting married. My mom really had no participation in my wedding, other than showing up. She did not dress shop with me, my MIL threw me a shower, when I had wedding issues or questions I went to my dad. For reals.
i don't really have a mom (she left our family when i was 15) but my dad is being this way. not only does he just not give a damn about my wedding, he complains about it. he has to fly here (2 hour flight, and he's never visited in the 5 years i've lived here), hotels are too expensive, it's the middle of his busy season, etc. i had asked him a few months ago before we signed the contract if he could help pay our venue fee and he said yes, but since then has revoked any financial contribution whatsoever. he is fully able to help... he just won't. on top of that, he's (seemingly gleefully) broken it to me that hardly anyone in our family is coming, and acts shocked that the few members that are coming are going to bother.
i. have. had. it.
sorry for all the griping, but i can't talk about this on my blog and i'm just so frustrated and about ready to tell him to just not come. i sympathize with y'all who are having parent struggles!
My mom AND FMIL are the same way (it's kind of nice to know there are a lot of us out here going through this). My mom is currently in the midst of a seperation from my step-father...so she's not into anything, like @mrsmdphd said. (MD and PHD? you go girl!). My mom has always been a bit impulsive and inconsistent and I never know what to expect. This past weekend I showed her some cake toppers I was working on, and normally (I think) she, being the crafty artsy person she is, would LOVE them. She looked at them as if they were a big pile of cow manure and then when I said "what's with the face" she said "oh nothing...i just thought they'd be more...traditional and formal." I bit my tongue and made the deicision to share this type of info with the people who DO care. It's hard. My mom is a good mother, but she's going through a rough time and is depressed and it sucks that it's happening when I'm getting married and really need her help and support.
Hang in there, skibobrown! This is NOT about you! *hugs*
Not that this is a competition, but my Mom is actually worse than your Mom. She is so not into weddings, it's actually annoying and sad. I have to call her to get her approval on things and she makes me sit through at least 10 minutes of talk about lighting fixtures and coffee tables for our shore house that she's building before I can get a word in about needing a deposit for the flowers. I am so busy at work I don't have time to listen to her ramble on about things that don't affect me! She refused to go dress shopping with me at all and fought my sisters on having the shower at her house (it is WAAAY too expensive at a restaurant and her house is the only one big enough!). Forget being involved in any decision, there's no way that will ever happen, but unfortunately she still has veto rights and excersizes them when she randomly listens to me about the decisions I have to make. She rolls her eyes over everythign wedding related and totally doesn't care what she will wear or any detail regarding the big day.
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I've been having some trouble with my mom during the wedding planning process, so I just wanted to reach out for some support and to see if anyone else can relate.
My mom just isn't really into weddings. I wish she was the kind of mom who wanted to go dress shopping with me, and was excited to help out with planning... but she's not.
Usually when she calls me to ask me something about the wedding (or other events having to do with the wedding), she starts by saying -- "Well I don't know anything about weddings...". Honestly, I get kind of insulted. It's not like I'm some wedding expert. But I did take the time to learn about weddings, traditions, trends, etc when I got engaged. I kind of wish my mom would do a little bit of the same. With the kinds of things that she has been saying lately, it often seems like she has no interest in my wedding. She swears that she is excited about the wedding, but it really just doesn't show.
She also often acts like wedding-related events are a huge inconvenience for her. Instead of just offering up her house for the bridal shower, she says things like "Well I guess we could have it here... if I have to." (My sister is REALLY stressed out about finding a place to host the shower, and my parents' house would be PERFECT.) Also, when my mom finally did go wedding dress shopping with me, she said something along the lines of, "I can go I guess. As long as it's only one store... and only for an hour."
I guess it just makes me sad that she isn't more excited that her daughter is getting married. (Or if she is, she doesn't show it at all.) Anyone else feel this way?