Mom keeps dropping so not so subtle hints about NOT wanting us to have kids?!

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
1321 posts
Bumble bee

Nope, my mom is the exact opposite of yours — she can’t WAIT for me to have grandbabies.  I’m not sure if your mother has something out for you and your FI specifically, but more than likely it might just be the issues SHE has with being a grandmother and getting old in general.  When I dated my ex, his mom was super nice to me until we got very serious about marriage and talked about getting a dog together. Then she completely flipped out and started making snide comments everytime we saw her saying that “she was too young to be a grandmother already” and that she did not think we would make great parents, etc. etc. and really discouraged us from getting married and having kids in the near future.

But mainly, it was just her own issues about getting old and being viewed as a “granny.”   If you know that you and your FI are mature, loving, and responsible people who are ready to have children, then regardless of what other people say – even if it’s your own mother – just let all negative comments roll off your back and do what’s right for you guys.

Post # 3
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

CanadianBride456:  My parents have both passed away now, but they were the exact opposite. Every time we went home or they visited us, it was “When are you having kids”? “Are you pregnant yet”?

Have you been direct with your mother rather than just passing over her comments?

“What do you mean by that comment, Mom? Are you saying we shouldn’t have children? Why do you say that?”

Post # 4
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

CanadianBride456:  May I ask how old you are?  I wonder if it’s age related?  I know not everyone loves kids….but your mom obviously has kid(s)….so the comments strike me as a bit odd…..maybe she just thinks you’re too young right now?

Post # 5
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

CanadianBride456:  My MIL is really bad about this. Probably at least 2-3x a week she would let us know that we aren’t ready for kids and we have no business having kids. Well, guess what, I’m pregnant lol! I was on BCP so we actually didn’t “mean” to, but it happened and we’re thrilled. She’s upset but I just determined that I would always make a positive comment whenever she’s negative about us expecting a child. 

Post # 6
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I think if it is starting to actually hurt your feelings, you are going to do as Julies suggested and get direct. You can either ask her why she would say that, next time she says something similar, OR just tell her: “Well, we will be having children, stars willing, so I hope you’ll be happy for us when the time comes.”

She is being thoughtless. What does your FI think?

Post # 7
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

CanadianBride456:  My parents (and FI’s) definitely, definitely want us to wait to have kids. Luckily, we do too and don’t plan on even thinking about TTC until we’re 30 or so (we’re 25 now). I think, for our families, they just want us to make sure we’re established professionally and financially before we even consider it. Maybe your mom is just concerned that you’re too young right now, in terms of chronological age and other factors (finances, student debt, etc.). I’m sure she doesn’t mean to make you feel bad, and may even be acting that way so you feel like there’s no pressure whatsoever! Talk to her about it. Let her know that it bothers you.

Post # 11
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

If it is bothering you, why don’t you ask her why she makes those types of comments. After you have a chance to listen to her response and think about, I would ask her to stop making them if it is still upsetting to you.

Post # 12
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Could it be because she doesn’t like your FI? My parents don’t like my husband and I’m honestly not looking forward to tell them I’m pregnant for that very reason. It feels awful, because I’ve told other people but I just keep pushing it off with them because I just don’t want to open that can.

Post # 13
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

my FMIL asks us all the time whether we’re gonna give her grandchildren soon. she’s been asking FI for grandkids since he was 18.

i think your mother is being rude and inconsiderate. i’d say something to her and ask her to stop making the comments.

Post # 14
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FMIL has made side comments about my FI and I not being ready (I also think she says this about FI’s younger brother who got married last year)..Perhaps this is due to not wanting to be perceived as being older or thinking she is too young to have grandkids but regardless I think its no one, not even our parents (I love mine dearly), right to say such a thing (really bothers me)! No one knows if/when the time comes for you to TTC, if there will be problems or complications. As long as we’re not talking teen moms here .. I endorse having kids whenever a husband and wife are ready! It should be the couple that has the mutual understanding and agreement of when its time not the parents or extended family 

I would definitely suggest speaking with your mom, to try and understand why she feels this way. I know if something was bothering me, like this, I would tell my mom and try to understand her rationale as well as to explain why it hurts me especially if she didn’t realized her comments were more than just comments or words.

Post # 15
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

CanadianBride456:  I get it. My family is not big on confrontation either. But sometimes a line gets crossed and you just have to do it. Thing is… you’ll actually feel better afterwards. Just try to have exactly what you want to say planned, so you don’t burst out in anger and say something out of proportion. 

And to be honest, I wouldn’t even put this very far down on the scale of confrontational. A simple question, “What makes you say that?”, without anger, doesn’t seem very stressful.

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