Post # 1
What I’m about to write had been going on a longggg time (like years long), but it’s only recently that it’s really been starting to bother me. FI and I have been together 8 years and are in our mid/late 20’s. We both want kids, he would be happiest if we started trying today, but I want to wait a few more years. But thats not the problem, he’s ok with waiting a few more years as well. Its my mom – she keeps saying things to deter us from having kids! Like she doesn’t want us to have them ever! For ex, last night she was over asking questions for a bridal shower game and she asked FI “Where do you see you and CanadianBride in 5 years” He said “Walking with our kids” and her reply was “I hope you mean pets!” And then she always has the snide remarks when I tlak about how much I/we enjoyed babysitting our niece or nephew and my mom will come back with “it’s fun while you can still give them back at the end of the day.”
I just don’t get it at all and now it’s really starting to hurt my feelings. It’s not as if she doesn’t enjoy being a grandmother – she worships the ground her grandson crawls on! It’s like she’s targeting me and FI specifially. Is it because she doesn’t see me as an adult? She doesn’t think we’d be able to handle it? I just really don’t get it. FI and I own our own house, and have been financially independent since high school, we’re not immature people.
Anyone else with a mother like this?
Post # 2
Nope, my mom is the exact opposite of yours — she can’t WAIT for me to have grandbabies. I’m not sure if your mother has something out for you and your FI specifically, but more than likely it might just be the issues SHE has with being a grandmother and getting old in general. When I dated my ex, his mom was super nice to me until we got very serious about marriage and talked about getting a dog together. Then she completely flipped out and started making snide comments everytime we saw her saying that “she was too young to be a grandmother already” and that she did not think we would make great parents, etc. etc. and really discouraged us from getting married and having kids in the near future.
But mainly, it was just her own issues about getting old and being viewed as a “granny.” If you know that you and your FI are mature, loving, and responsible people who are ready to have children, then regardless of what other people say – even if it’s your own mother – just let all negative comments roll off your back and do what’s right for you guys.
Post # 3
CanadianBride456: My parents have both passed away now, but they were the exact opposite. Every time we went home or they visited us, it was “When are you having kids”? “Are you pregnant yet”?
Have you been direct with your mother rather than just passing over her comments?
“What do you mean by that comment, Mom? Are you saying we shouldn’t have children? Why do you say that?”
Post # 4
CanadianBride456: May I ask how old you are? I wonder if it’s age related? I know not everyone loves kids….but your mom obviously has kid(s)….so the comments strike me as a bit odd…..maybe she just thinks you’re too young right now?
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
CanadianBride456: My MIL is really bad about this. Probably at least 2-3x a week she would let us know that we aren’t ready for kids and we have no business having kids. Well, guess what, I’m pregnant lol! I was on BCP so we actually didn’t “mean” to, but it happened and we’re thrilled. She’s upset but I just determined that I would always make a positive comment whenever she’s negative about us expecting a child.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I think if it is starting to actually hurt your feelings, you are going to do as Julies suggested and get direct. You can either ask her why she would say that, next time she says something similar, OR just tell her: “Well, we will be having children, stars willing, so I hope you’ll be happy for us when the time comes.”
She is being thoughtless. What does your FI think?
Post # 7
CanadianBride456: My parents (and FI’s) definitely, definitely want us to wait to have kids. Luckily, we do too and don’t plan on even thinking about TTC until we’re 30 or so (we’re 25 now). I think, for our families, they just want us to make sure we’re established professionally and financially before we even consider it. Maybe your mom is just concerned that you’re too young right now, in terms of chronological age and other factors (finances, student debt, etc.). I’m sure she doesn’t mean to make you feel bad, and may even be acting that way so you feel like there’s no pressure whatsoever! Talk to her about it. Let her know that it bothers you.
Post # 8
Shina: Thanks for your comment, but unfortunetly I don’t think thats the case 🙁 I wish it were, because then at least I’d have the reason as to why she’d say that. She’s a grandmother now, and loves it! But my FMIL sounds just like your mother, can’t wait for us to have kids, says we’re going t o have twins, etc.
julies1949: I wish I could do that, but everytime I bring something up has to do with the way she or someone else treats me, and just says I’m way too sensitive so I don’t think thats going to get me anywhere.
MrsEME: I’ll be 26 this year, and FI will be 27. But just last night she made the comment that in 5 years she wants us walking pets and not kids! So I don’t think it’s age related. Or maybe it is and she just had a weird way of showing it.
MrsSparkle10: Congratulations! I’m the opposite though actually, FMIL can’t wait for us to have kids! But I think I’ll just ignore all these comments like you did, and not tell her when we’re TTC.
Post # 9
prahajess: The first comment FI has heard about it really was last night, most of the comments are directed towards me. Neither my mother or I are very good at confrentation, so while I know that I really should say something to her about it next time, I don’t think I’ll be able to. She’ll just brush it off as me being too sensitive anyways.
Post # 10
annb9: I agree, I don’t really think she does it to make me feel bad either – but I just can’t understand why she says it! Drive me bonkers!
Post # 11
If it is bothering you, why don’t you ask her why she makes those types of comments. After you have a chance to listen to her response and think about, I would ask her to stop making them if it is still upsetting to you.
Post # 12
Could it be because she doesn’t like your FI? My parents don’t like my husband and I’m honestly not looking forward to tell them I’m pregnant for that very reason. It feels awful, because I’ve told other people but I just keep pushing it off with them because I just don’t want to open that can.
Post # 13
my FMIL asks us all the time whether we’re gonna give her grandchildren soon. she’s been asking FI for grandkids since he was 18.
i think your mother is being rude and inconsiderate. i’d say something to her and ask her to stop making the comments.
Post # 14
My FMIL has made side comments about my FI and I not being ready (I also think she says this about FI’s younger brother who got married last year)..Perhaps this is due to not wanting to be perceived as being older or thinking she is too young to have grandkids but regardless I think its no one, not even our parents (I love mine dearly), right to say such a thing (really bothers me)! No one knows if/when the time comes for you to TTC, if there will be problems or complications. As long as we’re not talking teen moms here .. I endorse having kids whenever a husband and wife are ready! It should be the couple that has the mutual understanding and agreement of when its time not the parents or extended family
I would definitely suggest speaking with your mom, to try and understand why she feels this way. I know if something was bothering me, like this, I would tell my mom and try to understand her rationale as well as to explain why it hurts me especially if she didn’t realized her comments were more than just comments or words.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
CanadianBride456: I get it. My family is not big on confrontation either. But sometimes a line gets crossed and you just have to do it. Thing is… you’ll actually feel better afterwards. Just try to have exactly what you want to say planned, so you don’t burst out in anger and say something out of proportion.
And to be honest, I wouldn’t even put this very far down on the scale of confrontational. A simple question, “What makes you say that?”, without anger, doesn’t seem very stressful.