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Oh goodness. I'm so sorry you're going through this! Being unemployed is harsh. I think we all have predetermined judgements about things in general (unemployment, for one) and those opinions can change once we are personally hit with them. It's not like you aren't actively trying to get a job. You're trying, it's just that your professional is ill-suited for jobs right now. Have you considered going back to schooL? I knwo that is more loans, but you could pick a profession that will be in demand no matter what.
I know money is the biggest thing everyone fights about, and while buying a house, being unemployed, and planning a wedding is all stressful, life in general can be stressful. What if one of you gets sick, etc? Don't think that this is the only thing that you guys will have to fight through as a couple. Your mom's comment was pretty out of line, but maybe it's her way of telling you something. Maybe she DOES think you fight too much? I stopped telling my mom every time my FI and I fought because she would hold onto bits and pieces of the argument and then throw them in my face later and twist them around to the point that I felt it was unfair of her. You really have to keep your fights between the two of you. Otherwise they won't get solved and there will be too many cooks stirring the broth. But, if my mom told me that she thought my FI and I would never make it, i'd likely take it to heart because maybe she is seeing someone I am not.
What kind of job does your FI have? It's not like you can relocate FOR a job, you're stuck where he is, right? I think you need to sit down with him and ask him how he REALLY feels about you being unemployed. His opinion probably stems from the fact that there are some people out there mooching the unemployment system but you definitely don't sound like you are! He should knwo not to make hurtful comments, but make sure he knows that they are really getting you down
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Also, if money is such a huge issue...how are you paying for a wedding if you dont have a job? I'd be REALLY uncomfortable spending money on a wedding
I don't have any words of wisdom, only support from a fellow unemployed gal. I have a PhD and a top notch education, and can't find a job. It's really disheartening, and I know that my low mood is having an impact on my relationship with my husband. I snap at him, and I feel like he doesn't understand and is unsympathetic. He offers practical solutions, when what I really want is a hug and a tub of ice cream! I think you should think about your relationship with your FI more than your mom's comment for the moment. Do you feel like you are fighting about EVERYTHING, or only about money/unemployment? Maybe the two of you need to find a quiet hour so you can say (calmly) how you are feeling. If in a calm moment, the two of you can get closer to seeing eye to eye, then I would just disregard what your mom said. But if you feel like the fighting over the money is really symptomatic of a larger problem, then maybe it's worth taking it to heart. Either way, lots of hugs for you.
Just to add a little perspective, my mom is a serious alcoholic and perscription drug abuser, so you never know what state of mind she is in when you tell her something. She has no concept of time, or when the last time I called her crying about a money fight was. She also wants me to come live with her, so she doesn't have to be alone all day, so she may have her own incentive. She would say that at the drop of a dime, then say again how wonderful he is for bringing her tea from England while he was away or whatever.
That being said, Id say we were fighting about money once every couple of weeks. Then i suggested we combine accounts so there are no more arguments about who pays what. This seems to have stopped the money fights. We're in everything together now. This was about the job more than anything I think. I still think what my mom said was rude and uncalled for, but I think you are absolutely right ejs, about keeping our fights to myself from now on. People are too quick to judge, and are way more rash with decisions about other peoples lives than they would be with their own.
FI is in law enforcement, and yeah, we are sorta stuck here now.
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Panda, I'm sorry. My FI works in finance and is on job number 3 in 2009. Ugh. We did fight more when money was tight, about groceries, cleaning, his lack of motivation, etc. After we had a good talk about it, I realized that I was mad because I thought he was hanging out all day, riding his bike, and sleeping in. While I was working 2 jobs, and spending my lunch/dinner break being bitter. After we talked, we agreed to have an update each night about what jobs he found, what jobs he applied for, if I thought he should start looking further distances, etc. Once it became more of a team effort to get him employed, things got much better.
P.S. - Be happy you are at least eligible for unemployment. In my FI case, the first company went bankrupt and he got nothing.
Well in that case, I wouldn't listen to what your mom said. It sounds like it was more of a cruel thing to say to hurt your feelings.
A combined account sounds like a good idea for the two of you. Hopefully he doesn't feel like you are spending *his* money. And I hope you find a job soon!!! I think he's just jealous he has to go to work everyday, lol. Ok maybe not, but maybe he just feels like you aren't contributing to the household moneywise, but there are other ways to "contribute" maybe he just has to be reminded. I know when I waited tables, I only worked days and brought home a measly $200-$250 a week while my FI was military officer and made a ridiculous amount more. I always felt like such a lame-o. BUT, I always had the house cleaned, i ran errands, I made AMAZING dinners (i'm a gourmet foodie wannabe) and made his life easier in other aspects. Yes, I was a classic housewife for a few months, but it was a trade off. That may not be something you want to do, or it may be something you do, but remind him that the fact that you can do all those "chores" while he's gone means when he gets home, you get to spend quality time together. NOt time doing laundry and goign to the bank, etc.
Just don't tell your mom stuff and I think it'll solve things. If she asks and is nosy, jsut be really vague and tell her you guys are wonderful and there are no problems. She doesn't sound like she'll have a healthy perspective anyways.
Good luck
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The most important thing is how you feel about the whole thing. The unemployment thing won't last forever and I think your Mom was just expressing her opinion but that's all it is, an opinion. You are an adult, how is the rest of your relationship? If you are really worried, maybe you whould consider pre-marital counseling. Hey, at one time I was a welfare Mom (when I was in my early 20s) and now I am a biologist and college professor! Life brings many changes, ask yourself if your marriage is going to be built on circumstances or will it be your rock through thick and thin.
I'm really sorry that you have to go through looking for a job at the same time you are trying to plan a wedding! Those are both very stressful. Your mom's comment was certainly not helpful, although I do think your comment, "we didn't fight about money until I lost my job" was insightful. Of course it's easier to get along when you have money. It's a situation like this that shows how you really relate to each other. I know it's easy to say this as an outsider, but this seems like one of those opportunities that if you work through together you'll be even stronger for in the future. I think it's great that you are trying to listen to your FI and understand his perspective on things, but it sounds like you know what's best for you and you are genuinely working towards something that is beneficial for everyone in the end. Maybe it's time for your FI to reassess his stance on unemployment, after seeing you go through it. If you are working hard to be a contributing member of society, he should see how unemployment just helps you through (as it's meant to do), not be a continued source of income for someone who's "lazy". I recently went through a lot of money issues with my FI as well. I was always used to making good money, but I left my steady job to start a business, which proved to be a huge money pit. It made me realize how much earning an income was related to my self esteem. Without it, other areas of my life started to suffer like taking care of my health and just feeling positive in general. It took along time, and many arguments and sad days, for us to understand more about how each other views money and how we should work together on it. This is a really important topic to work on, and maybe it's a blessing in disguise that it comes up now - before the wedding. Just be patient and open minded, and continue working on yourself and your skills. The job thing will work itself out - it always does, it just takes 10 times longer than we want! Good luck, everything will be ok!
(((((hugs)))))
I want to give you a message that helps to relax your mind in regard to what you think your FI is thinking. To tell you that I know in someways what you are feeling, not that knowing that might help. I worry about it a lot as my FH works 12 hours a day 7 days a week and has done so for the last five years (contracting in Iraq and now Kuwait)....a few times he has mentioned that I have no idea what it is like. But my arguement baci is that I do know what it is like, for me, on the other side of it because I wait, and I wait, and I quit my job a while back so that I could be with him on his leaves otherwise my work would never have given me 2 or 3 weeks off every 4 months.
However, I was going hella broke, I guess he hadn't considered I would need money for rent or life really. I moved into a friend's house who wanted me to tutor him for his CFP exam...but I think he felt bad for me and then finally I just broke down and blasted the FH for not understand the sacrifice I made. Then we finally communicated and came to the decision that I hate asking for help and that he would arrange for money to go to my account. But I hated that feeling and then a five months later found (and this was just recent in this whole crappy job market) I found a job that would let me take leave every few months for weeks at a time and would boost my pay by giving me my benefits as oart of my hourly salary, which helps when you aren't working for two or three weeks at a time every two months.
You obviously had a great job before. You are intelligent and educated. I am going to suggest a few things because I don't know if you have thought about this.
Perhaps you could edit papers online for college students, yes summer is here but not for grad students, or maybe you could grade writing exams online, or even start publishing a webpage of your own.
If there is a local community college you could check into doing work for them, even if just as a freelance tutor.
(((((hugs)))))
This is maybe not the place to suggest pre-martial counseling but he has really helped to open the pathway to great communication for us. He now understand that women don't like to ask for help, we like our physical cues to give away information and so he asks straight up if he can help, and what he can do for me. We actually do this all at a distance of 10,000 and the only thing it costs us a few books on ebay and postage. but I would even send you the books.
I am getting way too wordy.
Please feel loved and understood.
Thanks everyone for all your insight and support. I'm happy to hear no one telling me to call off the wedding (because I don't think this is anything close to a situation that merits that), and the stories like BA's and blues that relate to mine were especially nice to hear.
Relationships are work, and like bakerbride suggested, I really hope we come out stronger for all this. In other news, I had a 3rd interview with a restaurant I really think would pay well last night. I'm supposed to find out today whether I got the job and I'll let you all know :) Wish me luck!
I hope you didn't think i was suggesting postponing or calling. Just more like being careful spending if you don't have it in preparation for the future. Kinda like how I try not to spend my paycehck before I get it =]
I hope you get the job! I used to wait tables and a lot of weeks I'd clear $700/week. It was ridiculous money.
I think that the stress of finding a job is possibly the thing that bothers you the most. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. But realize this, he might have said those things prior to this whole state of economy thing. Look at people now, there are more unemployed individuals than ever before. There are some really great talen and well educated people out there who just lost their jobs and it's still a struggle for them right now.
There's always a rainbow after every storm and I know you'll get through just fine! You're working hard on finding something that will help out financially and also plan a wedding at the same time. Sure, it's A LOT harder but you'll make it through :)
Hey, I just wanted to throw in some support from a fellow unemployed. I'm also searching, and the thing you have to tell yourself right now is this: the job market is TERRIBLE. It's not that there are no jobs for YOU- there are no jobs for anyone!
I'm going to try to get in with a temp agency-- according to my mom, lots of places that had to do lay offs are relying on temps to do that work now. Also the pay seems to be pretty good. With your experience you should get a good hourly rate.
I don't really have advice on your FI or mom, but I do have some general life advice: enjoy unemployment (funemployment?) because work sucks.
Take this as you will, but we're actually doing pre-marital counseling through a philosophy called "Imago". The basic premise is that most people choose to marry people precisely b/c of the areas where they differ (though most don't realize that). A lot of people give up, but somewhere your subconscious knows you have growing to do in that area so you are attracted to your partner. Sounds like your FI has a kind of unforgiving view of people who fall on hard times. And he's marrying a person that he loves in just that situation. Maybe he has to adjust his worldview. And maybe, based on your reactions to FI and Mom, you need to find a way to feel more secure in your own decisions even when people you love have strong opinions.
Sounds to me less like you won't make it than that you are a perfect match :)
I do think that it can be hard to have disagreements, but in some places fizicsGuy and I are as opposite as can be. It's almost impossible to imagine us together, but I feel like so much of a better person to ahve come to a place where I understand and respect who he is. I think it also makes me a more tolerant person in the world in general.
You may find the book, "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix helpful as you navigate this time of major conflict. It describes the Imago theory, and even provides examples and exercises for working through conflicts. The important thing to recognize is that you are the one who feels that he is judging you...it probably stems a lot more from your reaction than from his words (not that he couldn't change them so you feel better about it, but he's marrying you, he loves you, he does not believe you are a drain on society).
W.R.T. unemployment, I'm sorry. I know how difficult that can be. A friend of mine quit her miserable job a year after finishing her v. prestigious (and expensive) graduate program. She thought she'd find something, but it was almost of year and a half of major self-reevaluation before she did. but she's so happy now, and I think she feels she learned a lot about herself during that time. I hope that you don't have to wait so long, but I promise it's not forever. In the meatime, I think you should only take this job if it helps you get out of your funk and/or maybe leads you toward something you'll find more fulfilling long term. Your state of mind is at least as important as money (if not more). If having a job will calm your nerves, take it regardless of what he thinks. If waiting until you find something you're more excited about will be best for you in the end, do that.
I wanted to ask you about the part where you left your editor job in NY, to move to PA, and are looking for work, that is so far and away different than what you were doing. I get the impression you liked your job as an editor. It's one thing to give up a job (even if it pays well) because it's too stressful, you don't enjoy it, etc. But do you miss it? Are you feeling resentful that you had to give it up?
Also, you said, "Look, I'll do whatever you want, just please tell me what to do. I feel like nothing I can do will make him happy." I'm not sure how much you really meant that. But it sounds like you were an independent woman. Are you really just wanting to do what he wants now that you've moved? I'm just hoping you're working that out together.
As for your mom, I certainly wouldn't listen to someone who might not be in her right mind.
As for unemployment, I don't think your FI has a complete picture of the program. My husband and I are, well....conservative. He's a real finance guy. And even he sees the value in unemployment assistance. I helps to keep the economy afloat. Also, by taking unemployment, it frees you to look for work in your field (or something close-ish). If you take a regualr job, you lose some of that time for interviews. Although you can't use that as an excuse forever.
I know what it's like to move for your man. But it was easier for me. I didn't go from a big city to a small one. Just the opposite. I also didn't have a career I loved, where I'd be taking a hit, to move. However, despite that, I do understand what it's like to wonder what you might have given up or left behind.
Good luck. I'm sorry you're having so much stress between the wedding, and the loss of your job.
Tanya, we moved to PA so we could buy a house. As lucrative as my career in NY was, what is the point in making all that money if you just have to thros 2,600 of it away on rent each month? We were paying someone elses mortgage when we should have been paying our own.
I don't regret our decision to move. I could not see myself at that particular job for the rest of my life (I had already been there three years), I just don't think I fully considered how the new area we chose would affect my ability to find good paying work,
Amandopolis, I did look into the temp agencies out here, and I've been told there is nothing available, except customer service (that person you get when you are calling to complain about something) ... like the kind of stuff they outsource to India so they can pay people as little as possible to do it.
As for the waitressing job. I've been told I can start in two weeks! I'm just praying the manager keeps his word, because they weren't really hiring when I interviewed, and I know they are just postponing the start date to make room for me. Good news though, it really lifted my spirits yesterday :)
FI is still cranky. I'm not sure if it's because he's running on seven hours of sleep since Monday (he's commuting three hours now from NY and is scheduled for nine hour days as it is), or because of the fight. I'm pretty sure it's the no sleep thing ... I miss my old panda.
EngagedtoPanda - thankfully I am not unemployed, but I am a teacher and I thought as a way to make some extra money I'd work a job over the summer. And I can agree there is nothing out there. I thought I could get some kind of receptionist job, summer camp position, something! But I think so many people are looking right now and taking jobs (like you are considering) that they normally wouldn't consider that it makes it even harder to get jobs. You are not alone! It sounds like maybe he's most upset because of his commute! That would make me come home and yell at my husband too.
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Engaged to Panda, I also live in NEPA. have you thought of looking for a job in NYC doing what you were doing before? Alot of people who live in NEPA commute daily. It is long BUT if it is a job you love it could be worth it. I'm sorry you are going through this. My FI and I also moved to NEPA to buy a house.
Unfortunately I think your FI view of unemployment are just a little off.. YES there are people out there who take advantage of the situation and mooch off the government... with that I agree but there are people who have had jobs for years and years, worked hard and found themselves in a very unfortunate situation loosing their job. What are they supposed to do?? Unemployment is helping them in a time where jobs are just not available. I think he just needs to realize that these situations can happen to anyone.
Aside from the money I think you should express to FI that you need his support now more than ever so that you both come out on top in the end. You ARE in this together. If this has been the only major argument you have had then I wouldn't worry about it. There will be more andyou'll have to work through them. it isn't easy but worth it.
As for your mom, with the background you gave I wouldn't give her comment another thought. You know what is right for you and how your relationship with FI has been and if you can work through this.
Thanks for your sympathy ES, I'm sure what you said is absolutely the case. And Tee, where in NEPA do you live? Do either you or your hubby commute for your jobs? And if so, by train, plane or automobile? NYC is 100 miles from here!
oh, and did you hear about our potential NEPA bee meet up?
I just wanted to say, that it seems like your mother's comment might have been more general instead of specific. As if to say, "If you're fighting about this early on...." My husband and I have often joked with the same sentiments. Money is such a huge deal, and I hate to sound like a broken record, but with the ecomony the way it is right now, it's a huge stresspoint in a lot of relationships. HUGE. In fact, we learned in pre-marital counseling that money is at the top of the list of reasons why people divorce, and since I've been married I can definately see why. It's not worth not getting married, it's just an indication that you guys will have to sharpen and refine your communication skills through the tougher times.
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I called her last night crying because my FI and I had another fight about money. Well, the fight was really about the fact that I don't have a job (got laid off from my last one) and am on unemployment. Before I lost my job FI would always tell me how he doesn't believe in unemployment and thinks anyone who doesn't work is mooching off the government, too lazy to find one, too good to work at McDonalds, blah blah blah.
I guess he never figured I'd be in this position, but now that I am, as good as he tends to be about not saying anything to make me feel bad about it, I can't forget those things he said about unemployed people before I lost my job. Now everything he says about me finding a job really sets me off. Like the other day when he said he thought I should start thinking about taking a job that pays less than unemployment. I really didn't know what to make of it. All I know is that when I left New York, I was a managing editor for a major magazine, switched jobs, it didn't work out, I got laid off, and we moved to PA, because my job was the only thing keeping us in NY. But now we are in bumble NEPA and I can't find ANYTHING. After almost four months of nonstop searching, not only did I give up on my profession due to the complete lack of magazines out here, but I've given up on professional jobs entirely, and tried going back to waitressing. I'm having trouble even getting that! I spend all my time beating up on myself, and take his comments uber personally.
So last night I got offered this job that pays less than unemployment, and he didn't want me to take it? I'm like, I thought this was what you wanted? Look, I'll do whatever you want, just please tell me what to do. I feel like nothing I can do will make him happy. I can take this job, be a worker, and we'll be even more broke than before, or I can not take the job and constantly feel like he's judging me for sitting around the house all day (whether he really is or he's not that's how i've felt).
My mom thinks we fight about money too much, and told me last night "you're never going to make it," which I thought was just plain awful and completely untrue. We never fought about money until I lost my job, then we bought a house, started planning a wedding, etc., and I just think the circumstances have made our situation really difficult, and if we can get through it, things we be absolutely fine. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. This is really the only thing we fight about.
What are everyone's thoughts? On my mom? On the job? Any advice would be appreciative. Thanks!