Post # 1
Does your Mom make comments about your weight?
My Mom takes every opportunity to tell me that I’m Fat, then acts like it’s my problem that it bothers me since “she’s just trying to help” or “she’s just being honest” or “she’s worried about diabetes”.
I happen to be at my heaviest right now (eating my way through the pain of Infertility and failed IVF. I plan to lose the weight after the holidays). But she’s been saying this to me since I was 8. When I was a teenager and 95 lbs, she would tell me I was fat. When I hit college and was 103–wow you would have thought I gained 200lbs.
Now the craziest thing, after decades of begging my Mom to quit mentioning my weight. She now is trying to tell me I’m crazy because I’ve made up all the years she has told me I’m fat. Apparently, it’s all in my head.
So now she has decided that she doenst want to have any relationship with me anymore, because I’m so crazy that I make all this stuff up. (Emotional Blackmail much?)
Tell me I’m not the only one…
Post # 3
I wouldnt even talk to my mom if she talked to me like that.
Post # 4
My mom has told me negative things about myself as far back as I can remember. Anywhere from “you’re fat” to, “your friend is going to be so much prettier than you when you’re older”.
Seriously, she actually told me those things.
Of course, it led to a pretty big depression, and because it was my MOTHER saying those things, I thought [at the time] it must have been true. Talk about low self esteem.
At about age 19 or so, I finally confronted her about all the mean things she said, and her basic reply was that she was trying to stop me from getting a large chip on my shoulder, and that I turned out to be a “lovely woman” because of it.
What? I now struggle with my weight like no freaking other and it’s taken me MANY many many years to realize that I’m not as hideous as I felt.
Post # 5
I can relate. My Mom has made comments about my weight from age 8 to present. She has other issues and has also denied saying things that I know she has said to me. No advice on what to do or how you could respond to it, but I understand.
Post # 6
@KoiKove: Jeez.. sounds like it’s a blessing in disguise that she doesn’t want a relationship with you.. get that negativity out of your life, FAST! And try to put her comments out of your mind. If your struggling with infertility you have much more important things to occupy your mind. *HUGS*
Post # 7
@KoiKove: When I was at my largest, my mom wrote me letters complaining about how I look under the guise of being concerned for my health. I mean, I’m sure that she was concerned to some extent, but I knew her real concern was that, as a fat girl, I reflected poorly on her.
And the same woman wonders why I don’t put myself out there to date or feel as though I have any hope of ever finding a spouse.
Post # 8
My mom and I have an unusual relationship.
We are very close now AND she has always made these comments though I am, and always have been, a healthy weight. Ironically, she is very overweight. I think she thought she was trying to help by telling me I look pudgy or am wearing too low cut of a top (she has always been critical of my appearance and is a very conservative dresser).
This hit me the hardest as a teen and consequently I was OBSESSED with dieting. I was just talking about this with FI about how I had to come to terms with my body image (it’s no news to him, but we were talking about it), and I told him literally every diary entry I read back then was all about dieting. It makes me sad/sick that I spent so much energy on it because it was so distroted. I don’t thinks my mom knew it impacted me in the way it did and if she did, I think she would regret it and feel remorse.
She doesn’t make many of those comments anymore. When she occasionally does, I don’t take them to heart anymore and I just shrug them off. I finally have a healthy relationship with myself and the way I view my body, so it doesn’t affect me anymore.
I will say it is something that has always gotten in the way of our relationship and I think is a missing converstaion we never had. It tugs at me at times when I think about it, like this, and partially wish I could express how it hurt me. Since I’m over it now for the most part, it doesn’t feel worth the trouble mentioning.
Post # 9
@KoiKove: “So now she has decided that she doenst want to have any relationship with me anymore, because I’m so crazy that I make all this stuff up. (Emotional Blackmail much?)”
Sounds like a bonus for you, not having to put up with her anymore! 🙂
Post # 10
My mother hurt her back, developed a perscription drug problem, lost a ton of weight due to it, and now takes every chance she can to tell me I’m fat, I’m getting bigger, I’m not good enough to my Fi, she doesn’t know why FI deals with my bitchy attitude.
Then on a good day, shows up at my door asking to borrow 600$ for her Christmas shopping because shes broke.
I’m adopted and really never had much of a relationship with her, I can’t even remember a serious conversation with her or any emotional help I’ve gained from her. My dad has always been everything to me parent wise, he painted my nails, cut my hair, gave me the period talk.
You’re probably better off not having a relationship with her in my opinion. I plan on severing all ties with mine once we move out of town. Someone that causes that much pain and hurt in your life isn’t worth your time in my opinion, especially if you tried to call them out on it and it just got worse.
Post # 11
Just to clarify, my Mom isn’t actually going to cut ties with me. It’s just a ploy to get me to jump up and beg for her forgiveness. She loves to throw out the emotional blackmail. “poor woes me, my daughter is so crazy and mean. I buy her all these things and all she can do is make up stories about how I’m mean to her”
I spent most of my 20’s in therapy to deal with body issues. I never had an eating disorder or dieted, but it did effect my self esteem. I made peace with my body. I also learned to just ignore my Mom or tell her she is being mean or avoiding her.
But right now, I dont have the energy to mentally fight off the attacks. I’m just sad and in mourning and just trying to deal with with the huge emotional blow of failed IVF after years of pouring every ounce of energy into baby making. I just dont have anything left in the reserve to deal with her.
On top of it all, I dont hate my body, but I’m certainly not happy with it. Not from an outside people are judging me perspective, but from an internal–wow, I’m not comfortable in my clothes and the person staring back at me in the mirror isnt me any more. I know I need to lose about 20 lbs.
I’m glad I’m not alone!
Post # 12
Look up gaslighting. That’s what she’s doing to you.
Post # 13
@KoiKove: Even your update sounds 100% like my mom
I will give you the advice I have been given my entire life: She won’t change and you can only control yourself.
It sucks, she sucks and girl you are truly not alone. Message me if you want to vent because it sounds like we could have the same mother!
Post # 14
@Jabberwocky: I had a therapist growing up who explained my mothers behavior as gaslighting
OP, it is worth the research!
Post # 15
@Jabberwocky: As soon as she started saying that it never happened, that is exactly what I thought–OMG, she is trying to gaslight me!
She tried a few different tactics– first she tried to say, I only said it a few times and you blew it out of proportion (really Mom?Even few times it too many!!), so she switched to I never said it, it’s all in your head.
All I can say is, “Thank you therapy for helping me see right through her!!”
Post # 16
My parents don’t hesitate to let me know that I’m a little overweight or gaining weight. However, they never speak to me the way your mom does to you. I never take offense because it’s true and they aren’t mean about it. They’ll say it in ways that shows me they really are just concerned for my health. It’s not like they’re calling me a Fatty McFatpants or anything. Then again, I let my dad have it too. He’s overweight (by at least 60-80 lbs) and whenever he complains about aches and pains I never hesitate to insert a little “probably because your body isn’t meant to carry that much weight” comment and he laughs because he knows damn well it’s true (he also slides in a “look who’s talking” comment lol).
However, my parents never hesitate to praise me when I do drop a few pounds. They always encourage me to be healthy and my best self (regardless what the scale says)