Post # 1
Hey Bees – I need some advice and I can’t talk to any of my immediate family or friends!
I’ll try to make this as short as possible. My FI and I got engaged end of January 2014. We were really excited to share with our families but since the ring was too big and my FMIL was having medical issues, we postponed until she was better. FINALLY, end of February we told his Mom and my immediate family first. It was such a relief to finally share it with everyone who was close to us. THEN we posted it on facebook and I got a call from my mom (who I hadn’t talked to in 5 months) and she made a huge deal about how I hadn’t told her first and how it was really disrespectful because she’s my mom and she should have been my first call. Then she went on a rant about how I was irresponsible (I was 21 going on 22) and that I still had to pay off a loan (already paid off) and ….. I never really heard the end of that conversation because I ended up in tears and hung up on her. (I don’t handle being yelled at very well) Ever since then, she hasn’t said a word to me. She didn’t even wish me happy birthday =/ She’s convinced most of my family that she wasn’t even yelling at me and this whole thing has made her distraught. Now everyone is telling me that I HAVE to apologize to her because she just feels “terrible” about how everything happened. My problem is i’ve NEVER been close with my mom. She kicked me out when I was 16. She was emotionally abusive. She married an alcoholic/drug addict (which is a whole different issue entirely.) She ruined my credit score. The list goes on and on. Even before she was mad at me, I talked to her maybe 5-6 times a year and that was when she needed something from me (A ride to go find her drunken husband…to go shopping when she found out I had a payday)
I keep having this internal debate because she’s my mom and I want her to be there every step of the way but at the same time, I am over all the negativity she has towards me and her selfishness. I feel like i’m the adult and she’s the child sometimes!!!
Does this make sense!? aghhh help me?
(sorry for long post!)
Post # 2
westgirl1208: I’m sorry. That is a really shitty position to be in. My question is this: do you want your mom present during this time and at your wedding? If the answer is yes, then I’d say be the bigger person and break the ice. Unfortunately, I doubt her behavior will ever change. You’ll have to decide how much you want your mom in your life and go from there. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
Post # 3
westgirl1208: It’s hard when our families aren’t like the story book versions. My Dad used to say “you don’t get to choose your relatives”.
I do not think you have anything to apologize for. If family brings up the subject, just tell them that you do not think it is polite to discuss your mother behind her back and you won’t be doing that.
If she didn’t talk to you for 5 months before you made your announcement, her not talking to you for the last 6 months is not much change.
If you want to you could try to keep her in the loop by emailing or texting her some of your plans, without asking for her input or approval.
Then I guess you will have to wait and see what her reaction is.
Family! Who wouldn’t have one?
Post # 4
It’s okay to cut toxic people out of your life. Make a choice that leads to a healthy life. Don’t attempt to foster a relationship that continues to be hurtful.
Post # 5
westgirl1208: Manipulative relationships can be so confusing and tormenting. She’s got you right where she wants you and it’s not fair or right.
I wasn’t clear- did you not tell your mom or count her in your immediately family who you told first? Just want to note that in case I say something that doesn’t make sense or apply to you.
It really sucks that your mom is this way. I could see it being really hard to decide what to do with her. I think it might really help you to talk to a counselor about it. Sorry to pull the counselor card, I know people do it all the time here, but your situation seems just so messy and I think an outside perspective could be very helpful. It would give you a chance to dedicate some constructive time to figuring out how you can act given the way your mother is and what the best option are for you in your situation. I have no idea what I would do about your family members either. Another thing a counselor can probably help with.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2015 - Beach
I’m really sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing with my parents. I haven’t talked to my dad other than holiday text messages in over a year, yet he still expected my fiance to ask for his permission to marry me.
All I can tell you is what someone told me: tigers don’t change their stripes, and a persons’ first reaction to hearing about your engagement often reflects their true feelings throughout the process. Your mom is likely expecting you to call her first and apologize. It is up to you to decide whether you even want her there. And if not, that’s OK, becuase if she isn’t contributing to it and is only causing you strife, then she should consider herself lucky to be invited.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I’m also dealing with parents that are completely uninvolved in my day-to-day life but expect the world when it comes to wedding news.
Post # 7
This reminds me of both of my parents. It sounds like her presence in your life only brings negativity.. I would just ignore her the same way she’s ignoring you, but still invite her to events for your wedding out of respect. Im sure she’ll eventually contact you since you seem to be her light in the darkness.
Post # 8
westgirl1208: I have just gone through some pretty awful family stuff on my FI’s side, so i’ll give you the advice I gave him. No one has the right to be in your life if they have no positive influence and they only bring you down, no matter who they are. No one has the right to act any way they like without consequence, especially if that behaviour is hurtful to others.
It doesn’t matter how closely related you are, there comes a point in your life where you need to do what’s right for you. It is no one elses place to tell you how to handle this situation. Yes, she might be your mother but she is not acting like one. A mothers role is to love, support, nurture and cherish her children and she is clearly not providing that for you so you are under no obligation to show her the same courtesy if it is too hurtful for you.
Listen to your heart rather than what other people say. It’s totally up to you how you handle this, but you are not obliged to chain yourself to that kind of emotional rollercoaster for the rest of your life if you don’t want to.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2012 - Caroline Cellars Winery
Biologically she’s your mother. Nothing more. I recommend you read the book Mothers Who Can’t Love.
Post # 10
Life has swept me up and taken me away from my board for too long! I just wanted to pop in and say Thank you for for all the advice/support. It’s defnitely helped me realize a few things I didn’t want to think about alone.
For starters, I pictured wedding planning and everything that goes along with it as a mother/daughter experience. And deep down I still want to have that but at this point in my life, I don’t have the time/energy to mentally deal with her shenanigans. I guess not talking before didn’t bother me because I figured that was just how our relationship was but after she got angry at me and didn’t even say happy birthday, I realized that it wasn’t the same. She just doesn’t want to talk to me.
And deep down I know she’s not going to change and I think that makes me sad for her and since it’s my “mother” I want the best for her. Unfortunately, her negativity is not the best for me.
In the end, if she wants to be a part of it, I want her to make the effort to reach out to me and let me know. And if she doesn’t, she’ll get the invitation in the mail. I will treat her like every other guest and if she RSVPs then i’ll set a place for her. If she doesn’t then she’s going to miss her only daughter get married.
Luckily FI and I decided to get married Sep 2015 so she has plenty of time to come around.
It just feels really good to know that she’s the party pooper and not me. Again, thank you for all the encouraging words. If I have more time later this week I can personally thank you all but as it is, I’m behind on everything.
(Sorry if this seems scrambled. Life is kicking my butt right now and the to-do list stored in my brain is full.)