Post # 1
Fi and I have been engaged since September, and thankfully the wedding planning has gone off without a hitch so far. We knew what “style” of wedding we wanted right away, and knew it wouldn’t be religious. It was my mom’s idea to have a JOP marry us, who was actually a buddy of hers from highschool. Once Easter hit however, suddenly the JOP wasn’t good enough and she tried to convince us to have some random minister from my Grandma’s church marry us. She even had a backup minister lined up if he couldn’t do it. Neither of these minsters we’ve ever met and both of them want us to drive 2 hours for classes. Fi and I are extremely uncomfortable with this idea and he refuses the classes.
My mom is really mad at us and says that someday we will regret having only a judge do our service and we should have wanted a big catholic church ceremony all along and the reason she switched churches is that she hoped someday we’d marry in the same church she did….agh. She even went as far as to say “If it isn’t a church wedding, it’s not a real marriage”! WTH? How extremely insulting! Why didn’t she voice these concerns at the beginning? She is (well, my dad is) paying for about 95% of the wedding so I felt as tho I had to follow her wishes with this, but now I feel betrayed and angry with her because it feels like she got a wild hair up her butt and wants to ruin everything I’ve tried so hard to build to make our wedding the way FI and I wanted it.
Post # 3
Tell her that if you ever regret not having a religious ceremony, you can always have a Priest convalidate your union in a much smaller ceremony after the fact. It doesn’t require a full Catholic mass, doesn’t usually require classes, and it gets your marriage recognized as a sacriment with the Catholic community.
Post # 4
Loribeth’s suggestion is a good one. I know a couple who did this on their one-year anniversary. Don’t let your mother force you into a full out religious wedding with classes if it’s not for you. I don’t think it matters who is paying for it. The ceremony is very important. If your parents were making demands about the guest list or the menu or something, I might say you should let it slide since they are paying, but this is different IMO.
Post # 5
I’m in a similar boat, but with different circumstances. I was raised in a very strict and religious household, and my fiance and I are not particularly religious. When we first got engaged, I told my parents we would be getting married by a JOP (who also happens to be the best man’s mother).
My mom was fine with it until recently, and by fine she didn’t really say much either way. As the wedding date approaches, she has become increasingly disapproving of getting married outside of a church, and in a civil ceremony. However, I knew this may be an issue from the beginning, which is why my fiance and I are funding the entire wedding.
Post # 6
I agree with LoriBeth. We were married by a JOP and I’ve never regretted it.
Post # 7
Thank you for the replies, Bees. If we ever feel so inclined then we will get the marriage blessed, but for now it is not who we are and what we believe in. Today my mom and I had the biggest war over it, ending with screaming, namecalling, (so mature, I know) and tears from both of us, but I think we reached some sort of understanding. She will be disappointed, but FI and I are following what we want to do. My dad is in the picture by the way and is on our side, which really helps. Still hurts to not have mom’s approval on something so important.
Post # 8
Having been in your shoes with my FMIL over this issue, I definitely feel your pain! The best advice I can give you is to do what what you and your fiance truly want to do. My fiance and I were both raised Catholic but do not identify at all with the beliefs/traditions anymore, so we felt standing up in a church and “lying” before God and our families that we were committing to a faith when we weren’t would be worse than ruffling feathers. His mother expressed doubt, then ignored the issue for awhile, then BLEW UP about it months later. While it was hurtful to both of us, she couldn’t help how she felt, and she had to accept it.
My best suggestion is to remain as mature and as calm as possible when dealing with your mother from now on. If you’re calm, you set the tone for everything. I’ve been yelled out, hung up on, and told I was bringing nothing but drama to my fiance’s family for months. Eventually, when they realized we politely but firmly were sticking to our beliefs, my FMIL (and the rest of the family) came around. I won’t lie and say I still sometimes feel hurt when I think about all of it, it has gotten a lot better. I hope it works out well for you as well! If you need any help on talking to your mom, please don’t hesitate to message me! Good luck!