Post # 1
Okay, I feel a bit odd posting this because I feel like it’s the ultimate betrayal but I need to talk to someone about it. It’s a bit looong so excuse me if I ramble.
My fiance and I are planning a wedding in Cali. (we live in Arkansas but are planning it to be near her mom and my mom that both live out there) for November.
We’re paying for the entire thing ourselves on an extremely tight budget. We’re happy with what we’ve gotten with our money thus far. We were shocked to not receive help (I guess we shouldn’t have assumed) but have figured out a way to do it.
We got engaged last July and my mom immediately offered to buy my wedding dress.
In December, my mom and I met in Denver, had a dream weekend and I got the most gorgeous dress that I’ve ever seen. It’s a Melissa Sweet (waaay out of my own budget). When we got it my mom really wanted to get a different one that was far more expensive. I balked, said we should go to a different store, and when she started writing a check for a $7,000 dress I freaked and picked another, cheaper one (it was still A LOT of money though). My original budget for a dress (if I was doing it on my own) was under $1,000. My mom bought a dress $1,800 over that and paid for half up front.
Okay…so skip to now…my dress came in two months ago. The shop where it got shipped to has a strict policy that you have to pick it up within a month of it arriving. My mom hasn’t paid the balance therefore I can’t fly back out to Denver to pick it up or schedule a fitting. My mom is being REALLY odd about paying for it. She has always been wishy-washy about things but this is absolutely killing me. I’m four months away from my wedding with no dress and no idea of whether or not she’s actually going to finish making the purchase.
It’s hard to talk to my fiance about this (even though I do) because I don’t want her to dislike my mom. My mom does this kind of stuff fairly often so I guess I should’ve known better. I regret letting her push me into getting such a pricey dress.
She has done things like take a car (a graduation present) away from me, not pay for my class ring, forget to pay for my prom dress but all of that has been forgiven but this is a bigger deal. It’s on a different scale. This is my wedding dress. I know it has a lot to do with money (she’s terrible with money, she makes a lot but spends it as quickly as it hits her account) but now I’m in a total state of panic and it’s ruining any thoughts that I have about our big day.
I would’ve rather had the money in the first place to buy a $600 dress and then throw the rest to the wedding but that wasn’t offered. I can’t get back the $1,500 that she already paid because the dress was custom made. I have NO idea what to say to the people at the store that keep calling me. They’re getting impatient.
My fiance and I did not budget in another $2,000+ (with alterations) for a dress because we weren’t expecting to need to since my mom so generously offered. There is no possible way that we can get the money to finish paying off the dress. My mom refuses to discuss the issue -flat out says that she can’t talk about it, she has a busy week ahead, is to stressed, blahblahfreakingblah.
In addition to all of that, my mom has decided to move from LA to New Mexico next month -she’s a travel nurse. Part of the reason we planned to have the wedding in Cali. was so that I could plan it close to her. She has been SO uninvolved and it’s breaking my heart. She hasn’t asked about flowers, bridal party, favors, the venue -nothing.
Post # 3
Oh wow, I’m really sorry your mom is being so elusive. This is a really sucky situation. I don’t really have any great advice for you. It sounds as though you really need to talk to your mom ASAP and get to the bottom of this. If you can’t afford the dress yourself, she’s the one who will be out $1500 and I can’t imagine whe would be happy with that. Can you have the people at the store call your mom directly? Maybe they can talk some sense into her.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are going through this! ((HUGS))
The only thing that comes to my mind is CYA- cover YOUR ass. I would go on my own and try to find a dress within my orignal budget (under $1000, right?) that way you aren’t dress less the day of. For me, (this may sound harsh) she’s made it obvious that she’s going to do what she wants and you can’t control that. You can’t control her not paying the last half of the dress, you can’t control her involvement in the wedding and you can’t control the fact that she said she’s moving to NM. From what you have written She has done things like take a car (a graduation present) away from me, not pay for my class ring, forget to pay for my prom dress but all of that has been forgiven but this is a bigger deal she uses the money to dangle it over your head so I say focus on what you and your FI want from now on. You guys decide on flowers, favors, etc. with out her. I know it’s sad that your mom doesn’t seem interested but the world shouldn’t stop because of her actions.
Post # 5
I’m sorry to hear that she is being difficult. My brother and his wife just went through this same thing with her mom. She first told them she would give them 10K plus pay for the wedding dress, party favors and bridesmaids gifts. Then a few months into the planning after deposits and contracts etc had been done she gets mad at her daughter and says she’s not giving them 10k any more now she’s only going to give them 8k. When it was all said and done, she never gave them cash. She did pay for the wedding dress, party favors and bridesmaids gifts. But my brother and SIL were budgeting around her 10K. So my parents and brother chipped in more money to cover the expenses. It really was awful to see how it made my SIL feel. Just like her she had a hard time being mad because she didn’t want to seem ungrateful for what has already been done.
I wouldn’t worry with her moving to another state. She knew the wedding plans before she made the plan to move. As for the dress. I agree with northernazbride have the store call her directly. If that doesn’t work ask them if there is a payment plan you can make, then try to find other areas you can cut back on to make up the difference.
Good luck, I know it isn’t fun to not have her support.
Post # 6
Ah, thank you guys so much. I really do appreciate the objective advice. To be honest, you’re affirming what I have been telling myself (which is great). I’m not a brat and have never been a brat so this is such an odd feeling for me. I’m so ready to have this stress completely out of my head.
This amazing getting-a-dress-with-my-mom-fairy-tale weekend has turned into a complete disaster.
I appreciate the advice. She’ll be getting all of the calls from the bridal shop from now on. Even if they don’t make her buy the dress or call me to discuss it maybe they’ll make her feel as crappy as I have for the past couple of months. I love my mom to death but I’m having some serious trouble getting through this.
We’ve trimmed all of the fat from the wedding (rehearsal dinner, big favors, gifts, etc.) and won’t be able to add the expense of the dress on anywhere (which is okay because that dress is kind of ruined for me anyway) so it looks like I’m going to have to venture out this weekend to find something on my own. Independent bride on an adventure!
Post # 7
I’m so very sorry. I agree with the above posters about finding another dress you can afford. It [email protected]$ks that you have to, but the day of will be all about you and your FI and you won’t care what you’re wearing or how you paid for it.
It does sound like your mom is rather controlling, and has used her "generosity" to keep you clinging to her over the years. I can actually relate to feeling shy about talking about how awful she’s being b/c you want to protect her. But seriously, she’s being awful to you and you do not need to protect her. She’s created this situation; she’s asked for those consequences. It’s great that you’re talking to your FI about this. I sometimes go through the same thing b/c my parents can be extremely difficult, then I realize that I’m hurting my relationship to protect them…and they are not even being very nice to me. I think some of it stems from embarassment aruond how is it even possible for your mother to treat you that way. And is it possible you also take it personally, like there’s something wrong with you that she treats you this way? I could be projecting, but I have felt that way too.
I guess my read on your post is that the dress situation is annoying, but your bigger frustration is feeling so hurt about how your mom is acting. I think it’s helpful to really step back and be like, "Wow, my mom must have some really deep issues that she can’t even be nice to her daughter at her wedding. This is not about me. I love her and her flaws, but I won’t let them ruin my day. It’s sad she can’t enjoy this, but I sure will." I don’t get the impression that she’s ever been able to enjoy any of the great moments in your life…and that’s kind of sad for her (and for you, I know). but you have a great partner who does, and that’s what your wedidng will be about.
Post # 8
My drama continues and this one is definitely my fault.
I was blabbing to my brother about the dress issue (a crappy idea but he knows my mom and how she is and I needed to talk…). Even after being sworn to secrecy on the matter he approached her about it (he’s super protective of me, hates hearing me upset).
I think the situation is 11x worse now. My mom lied and told him that she was under the impression that the dress can be paid for when we go to denver to pick it up. No such date has been scheduled or discussed of course but she defended herself to him.
She knows that it needed to be paid for already. I’ve told her/emailed her/blahblahfreakingblah.
So now, we still haven’t talked and she’s taken on this self righteous victim role.
"Your sister really should’ve talked to me about it."
This isn’t even about the dress anymore. I don’t want it. But now it’s an even bigger mess. I don’t want her to walk me down the aisle anymore but have no idea of how to even approach the rest of this.