Mom turning my wedding into a nightmare! Frustrated and not sure what to do

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry your mom is acting the way she is. I think you need to try to talk to her one more time. Make it clear that if she continues to act the way she is she is not welcome at your wedding, otherwise she can take her opinion and shut up about it because you’re marrying your FI either way.

Post # 4
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

HuysuzAyi33:  Can you appeal to your father or sister to intervene on your behalf?  Someone needs to try to get it through her head that it’s time for the negative comments to stop, that you are an adult, you have made your decision, it’s done.  That you want her in your life and at your wedding but those things will not be possible if she can’t stop making negative statements about your relationship.

Have you tried to really confront her one on one? To have one last blow-out conversation in which you can tell her enough is enough – she has made herself clear but you have made your decision and IF it’s a mistake, it’s yours to make because who you marry isn’t about you fulfilling her dreams, it’s about you finding a good partner to share your life with and you have.  Hopefully, at least part of her dream was for you to marry someone that you deeply love, treats you well and makes you happy – and that you have.  

Your Mother seems quite stubborn and I almost get the feeling this is more about just not having a filter or restraint than an intention to be malicious or thinking she can get you to change your mind at this point.

Post # 5
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

HuysuzAyi33:  The negative comments haven’t stopped in 3 years, why would they stop now? At this point I would proceed without her. If anyone else treated you this way, you probably wouldn’t dream of inviting them to the wedding. Just because she is family does not mean you have to put up with this.

If, on her own, she comes to you and offers a genuine apology and agrees to keep the negativity to herself then you can allow her to come. “I was only asking you if you need anything why did you get upset@@@@@@!!!!!!!” is NOT an apology and is not her taking responsibility for going off on you about the wedding. She needs to get that what she did was wrong.

Post # 8
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

HuysuzAyi33:  Hmmm.  Well, if trying to reason hasn’t helped then maybe it’s tine got a CTJ meeting during which you sit her down and calmly and firmly let her know that the topic of your relationship and her opinions about it is permanently closed.  

Tell her you understand that she loves you and wants the best for you and is concerned.  Tell her she has made herself very clear and you have heard everything she has had to say on the subject but that this is your decision to make, that you love your FI and are happy in and sure of your relationship, that you ARE marrying him, you ARE an adult and she doesn’t have to like or agree with your decisions and choices but she does need to recognize and respect your right to make them.  Tell her you will no longer defend or debate your relationship or listen to her criticisms of it.  Tell her it has reached a point where you no longer enjoy her company and that if she doesn’t drop her campaign to change your mind, you will simply distance herself from her.  That it will hurt you to do so, that you love and will miss her but you have reached your limit.  In the future, tell her if she brings it up you will simply leave or hang up the phone.  If she cannot attend your wedding with a smile and a zipped lip, she’s not welcome to attend and will be asked to leave.  Say that you want a happy, peaceful loving relationship with her but that will not be possible while she continues to critisize your relationship.  Ask her to agree to let the negativity go and assure you the comments will stop from this point forward. 

Mean it. 

If she balks or disagrees, don’t argue.  Get up, tell her when she is ready to drop all this to contact you and not before and then walk out the door. 

Post # 10
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

HuysuzAyi33:  Call her then but wait until you are more calm and in control.  Then draw the line in the sand and make it clear it’s not moving and if she wants to be part of your life she needs to stay on the other side of that line.  Maybe create a warning word – she starts to say something negative and you cut her off with, “Line, Mom!” If she doesn’t stop, you end the conversation and the visit but do not argue with her any more because that reinforces her notion that the subject is still open to debate. 

If she can promise to zip it, let her attend the ceremony.  It’s possible she will come around.  She doesn’t need to agree with your choice but she can still support you and respect your decisions. 

 

Post # 11
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sorry this is happening to you sounds awful – I agree with PPs talk to her and let her know enough is enough. I know you say you don’t want her at your wedding but you invited her so deep down you probably do want her there. Give her the final chance of fixing it now that she knows how much she hurt you maybe she will get it. At least I hope she will!! Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

HuysuzAyi33:  Have you had a chance to dig into why your mother is so upset and negative? I mean, besides the age difference, what’s the matter? Is it that you won’t have children and she’s sad for you and feeling sorry for herself? Is she worried that you’ll be widowed young and she’s scared for you? Is she worried that you’ll have to be a caretaker for your husband someday and she’s worried for you?

If you haven’t already done so, perhaps you need to dig a little deeper into what is causing your mom’s negativity. She sounds like a real sour apple but maybe it’s because she doesn’t think you could understand how she feels or that you haven’t thought about her concerns enough, etc.

I am marrying a man 25 years older than myself and at first it was no big deal. As the relationship blossomed, I could see my parents becoming more concerned. Well, I had those conversations with them to figure out what concerned them. Yes, it was a bit awkward at times but it allowed them (ok, mostly my mother) to share her worries with me and for me to convey to her that I’ve thought about it, here’s what I’m thinking and here’s how I’d handle it. I think the conversations comforted my mother in that she realized I was not making a blind decision based on love alone and that I had contemplated the serious issues that lie ahead like a thoughtful adult would.

You didn’t cover the reasoning behind her negativity so perhaps you already know the answer to what her beef is. If you have any doubt though, once things calm down, maybe you could get her to spill the beans so you can approach her more effectively.

Post # 14
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

HuysuzAyi33:  Darn. I was hoping there was something being missed but it looks like you’ve addressed it all and she’s being extremely obnoxious and harpy and downright bitchy about it. When I moved in with FH a few years ago, my dad was pissssssed. Once he calmed down, I told him that I was doing it NOT to make him miserable or go against his beliefs but because it made ME happy. For whatever reason, that took the air out of his sails. I’d like to think that your mother only wants you to be happy too but she sure is making your life miserable.

You know her best so come back and vent here when needed. Sounds like it’s going to be hard to come up with advice that you haven’t already undertaken yourself.

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