Mom vs. Wife hypothetical

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
6660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think both Kate and the MIL are adults, not 5 year olds, and the actual day of their birthday is insignificant.  It is only a day- both of them are being immature and need to get over it  The bigger issue is that the guy is putting his mom over Kate- so what will happen for Christmas, other holidays etc.- does mom always get her way?

Post # 3
4709 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

cautiously3optimistic:  I think they’re all being absolutely ridiculous. I personally find birthdays to be just another day. Sure, it’s fun to celebrate if possible but I certainly don’t think it’s the end of the world. In my circle, we celebrate if we can….and sometimes it means a week after the actual birthday. The bigger issue is not the birthday, but the fact her BF is choosing his mom over your friend. That being said, you never mentioned in your post if your friend has confronted her BF about the issue? If she has, what was his response? Sounds to me like if your friend wants to be with this guy for the long haul she either needs to find a way to deal with his mother, or find a new boyfriend.

Post # 4
72 posts
Worker bee

I think he should man up and spend time with the GF. While it’s so nice of him to be spending time with his mother on her birthday I think the GF is more special. He / (both of them) should swing by his mother’s house with a bouquet of flowers, have a drink and call it a day.

He can always go back on the weekend and spend more time with the mother. I think the mother should e understanding..I feel bad for your friend. I wouldn’t like that happening to me that’s for sure.


Post # 7
412 posts
Helper bee

He is not going to change and it sucks that he chooses his mom over his gf. I married a man like that and let me tell you. They don’t change. We never spent a holiday or my bday together (my bday is around father’s day and I was never included) and for some reason his mom never wanted me around for his bday, his children’s bdays, or any holidays and he was fine with spending those special days with his mother and not me. If it really bothers her she needs to have a convo now but most likely he won’t change his ways.

Post # 8
12865 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Does Jake otherwise see his mother a lot?  Does he and Kate live together?

Post # 9
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

When Kate becomes Jake’s wife, her birthday will be the most important one.  Jake should acknowledge his mother, but his wife is his primary relationship after teh marriage.

Post # 10
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

cautiously3optimistic:  This is absurd. Like, high school relationship absurd. I mean, it’s a birthday. Have a joint dinner the day of, then a romantic thing with just the couple the following weekend. Or have a big famly party, take mom to dinner the weekend before and wife to dinner the weekend after. There are about a million ways to fix this, it’s like a non-problem. 

The other aspect is she wants to come first instead of his mother. Which is reasonable, I think. So…she needs to talk to him. It’s pretty simple, if you have an issue with the person you are dating, you need to talk to that person. If they are dismissive of your feelings and won’t address the problem- then you might not be compatible. The end.  

Post # 11
2171 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Maybe she should just talk to him about it?  How about switching off every year- one year, dinner with mom, next with GF, and repeat.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that because she’s the GF, she comes first.  So what?  He also has a mom.  Is he supposed to just ignore his mom now because he has a girlfriend?  Relationships change over time, but you don’t have to end (or severly cut back on) one all for the sake of another.

There are also things we don’t know, like whether the mom is still married/is widowed, if the FI is an only child, etc.

Post # 12
602 posts
Busy bee

Jake needs to get off the tit. Kate is the woman he plans to marry. She comes first. He should, of course, still acknowledge and celebrate his mother’s birthday but it doesn’t need to necessarily be on the exact date if their schedules don’t allow. Really, everyone should grow up and learn to share the day but if Kate wants something special that doesn’t involve her smother (not a type) in law, then Jake should just deal with it.

Post # 13
4634 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’d be more concerned about how holidays play out.. If something as insignificant as a birthday is causing him to choose mom.

In this situation, I’d be pissed if my FI chose to spend the day with his mother instead of me. I would not be pissed if we had a joint dinner celebrating BOTH of us with him on our actual day. Both mom and Kate have to give a little and I think this would be fair..


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