Post # 1
Here’s the deal, Bees…
FI and I live in another state from my hometown, and we are able to visit 1-2 times a year. We are looking at having a private destination wedding – meaning we will likely have appointed witnesses, no family or friends. We plan on having parties – one here and one in my home state – when we return from the “weddingmoon”, so our nearest and dearest will have the opportunity to celebrate with us.
Now, I am an only child and my mom asked if I wanted a shower. I feel like this is her big moment to participate in her only daughter’s wedding, so I said yes (and besides that, what woman wouldn’t want a party thrown in her honor with her favorite women in the world surrounding her?) I am a first time bride marrying a second time groom, and reading on etiquette I have understood that a registry is not frowned upon in that situation. But, my question is – I only go home a couple times a year, my mom wants to do this for me, and yes, I am excited to register, etc. but will it be seen as a gift grab because the wedding itself will be private? Or with the parties we’re having afterwards lessen the hurt of not being invited to the actual ceremony?
Post # 3
@mrs_pudding_pop: I’m having a similar issue — FI and I are also having a private DW weddingmoon but my mom wants to throw us a shower. I don’t feel that it’s right but she keeps telling me that those who will come will be okay with it — and I guess that’s true. A few years ago, a friend of mine got married in the Caribbean and they still had a shower and I didn’t think twice about it. I was excited to support her, regardless if I was going to be present at the ceremony and I understood that since it was a private DW, that I would not be there. We plan on having a low-key cookout/reception to celebrate with friends and family afterwards, but I am still so torn on letting my mom throw me a shower. We’ve already received two engagement presents without asking or creating a registry and I even feel a bit guilty about those.
So… hopefully other bees have some advice for this! I am interested in hearing what they say too.
Post # 4
@mrs_pudding_pop: So, you’re probably going to get a lot of responses that say if you’re not inviting the guest to the wedding, you shouldn’t invite them to the shower.
I know that in my mom’s circle of friends, they just want to be invited to the shower. lol Shower presents are traditionally small things that everyone needs in their home (think tea towels and vegetable peelers), not big gifts so it was far more acceptable to invite the women in your life (or your mom’s life, etc) to the event. Personally, if your mom wants to do this, I’d let her.
On a personal note, I was the guest of honour at a shower that was thrown for me by my inlaws. 90% of the guests weren’t invited to the wedding. I didn’t have a say over the guest list because I was not throwing the party. The ladies who were invited wanted to “help out a new bride”, eat small sandwhiches and socialize. At first, I was embarassed that they weren’t invited to the wedding but then I realised that they had no expectation of being invited….at all. They wanted to welcome me to the extended family and “support” my GMIL, etc.
As long as you’re gracious and send thank you cards, it should be fine.
Post # 5
@mrs_pudding_pop: I think if you’re inviting these people to your parties afterwards they’ll be likely to come/be happy about it (I would be) and you can say how small your wedding is and that your parents aren’t even coming. Like PP said, be graciuos and send a nice thank you card.
Post # 6
Oh I am already looking at cute thank you cards to send out (paper nerd here, lol). 🙂
I am so glad I’m not the only one who’s in this situation. Like a previous poster said, a lot of the guests will be my moms friends who are likely not even expecting to be invited to the wedding (but we will invite them to the party). I have also been asked to submit a guest list with my friends names and addresses – I have let more than a few of my gal pals in on our plans, and most are in the “it’s your day, rock it your way” camp. I do wonder though, if they aren’t expecting to be at the wedding will they balk at being invited to a shower. My thought is, I am in town so infrequently, and more than anything it’d be a great excuse to see everyone all at once to celebrate this awesome time in my life. Our registry won’t be grand (we live together and have gotten stuff together along the way) so I hope that won’t offput some.
Gracious will be my middle name when it comes to this… I said to a friend the other day, “ah, weddings – a time to see how many people 2 people can offend or piss off without any meaning to!” 😉 lol
Post # 7
My situation is very similar in that we are having a small destination wedding. My mom wanted to throw me a shower and I said yes as she wanted to do something for me for the wedding. Since I’m doing all the planning for my wedding I figured this would be something for her to plan. She is inviting her friends who aren’t invited to our wedding and Im sure they are not offended as they know our wedding is small. Like previous posters said the gifts are just small household items and I nice thank you card to them after I would be nice.
Post # 8
I’m very old-fashioned and traditional, so I say no, if you’re not inviting the guests to the wedding, you should not have a shower. You made the decision to have a DW, so you made the de facto decision to forego the pre-wedding parties.
This may be unpopular, but this is how I view the situation. Sorry
Post # 9
Ive been to a wedding shower where the couple had a very very small wedding. I wasn’t invited to the wedding but I was happy to go to the shower for her. She was/is a great friend and I was excited to give her a few small gifts to help them celebrate.
Post # 10
Maybe a compromise would be to have the shower without registering? It’s been so long since I’ve been to a wedding shower that I don’t know if this defeats the purpose of the shower itself but I know if I was rarely home & my mom was so adamant about throwing me a shower, I had a bunch of people I would want to see while I was there, and everyone was ALREADY AWARE we were doing a tiny destination wedding, I wouldn’t have a problem with the shower being thrown. As long as everyone is on the same page that they will be invited to the at home reception/party & no one is coming to the wedding itself, I’m of the opinion that it is fine.
I’m having a DW too but I’m not engaged yet so I haven’t started planning or even thinking about this kind of thing for myself. I’ll probably be in a very similar boat. My thought is that not registering makes it clear that you are not expecting gifts & makes it seem less like a “gift grab” (a term I never heard of before the bee truthfully. I always thought showers were just a fun time to get together & celebrate!) If someone still wants to get you a gift to help out a new bride, you can give your mom some ideas so she’ll have suggestions ready for people who ask.