Mom wants to invite a ton of OOT guests to bridal shower

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

I invited a couple OOT family members (or, rather, had the hosts invite?), but I feel like you usually don’t send a shower gift if you can’t make the shower.  I just wanted them to know I would love them to be there, and they sometimes will fly in for something on the spur of the moment.  But seriously, I didn’t get gifts from people who couldn’t attend either of my showers, so I don’t think that is gift grabby…

Post # 5
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My cousins all live out of state and I was still sent shower and bachelorette invites, even though they knew full well I could never make it. I never saw it as grabby, they  just wanted to extend the offer to be sweet.

Post # 6
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

@mousepeach:  Oh, wow, yeah, that is totally different!  Do you think they expect to get an invite, or would be irritated to not be invited, or would they not really be concerned either way?  I guess it depends on how close you are to them too, right?

Post # 8
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It does seem gift grabby to me, to be honest. Everyone knows that showers are about gifts, so an invite sent to an OOT guest sort of seems like an invoice for the gift you’re going to have to buy. I know I have received invites like this from brides I was not close to and I was miffed about it.

I also remember seeing a thread on the Bee at one point a long time ago where someone complained about receiving a shower invite from a distant bride she was not close friends with. She said she wasn’t going to get the bride a gift because she thought it was tacky to be invited at all, and the Bees almost universally clawed down her throat saying it was selfish to not send a gift and that any halfway decent person would send a gift to a shower they were invited to, even if they couldn’t attend. So, clearly people have some expectation of trading gift for invitation …

Post # 9
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

@iarebridezilla:  Wow, really?  That seems totally insane to me to be like, required to send a gift if you get an invitation.  I’m totally gift/etiquette/event stupid, though, so I could just be uninformed.  But seriously, I think you aren’t required to bring a gift if you can’t afford it or can’t make it to the shower at all.  If you want to, that is very nice.  And I know the whole idea of a shower is to give gifts, but it’s also such a nice excuse to get together that I almost would prefer just hanging out and drinking mimosas with people and playing games to opening gifts in front of a crowd…  But, I might be completely off base and have grown up in a warped group of people who don’t adhere to tradition or etiquette, so don’t even listen to me!

Post # 10
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@NowDontLetsBeSilly:  oh believe me, I don’t think you need to send a gift to a party you’re not attending!! I was just sharing that after reading that one crazy thread back in the day, I realized that a lot of people DO feel that way … so if one of those OOT guests gets an invitation and happens to be the type who thinks they need to send a gift in response to every invite then they might be annoyed and think the host was grabbing for gifts.

I think the whole thing is totally out of hand, to be honest. There’s nothing wrong with not gifting a dime if you can’t attend!!!

Post # 11
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had a hard time with this too. It’s seems like you can’t win –  people either think you’re being gift grabby or they’re insulted that they didn’t get an invite. We did end up sending invites to most of the female guests because I figured they could always just not send a gift and be done with it.

Post # 12
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

The majority of my family also lives out of state and I invited them. I’ve also been invited to out of town showers. I did this because I wouldn’t want to leave anyone out. Like my maternal aunts and first cousins…it would have been incredibly rude to not invite them. I did not receive one gift from anyone I invited that was out of town and I have not sent gifts to showers that I couldn’t attend. 

Post # 13
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My mom did this as well and I felt uncomfortable…but in the end, it didn’t really cause any problems.  The OOT guests (family) on my husband’s side all sent gifts (as they typically do), but OOT guests on mom’s side didn’t respond at all.  No biggie.

Post # 15
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@mousepeach:  My sister-in-law sent me a baby shower invite even though we live 6 hours away and couldn’t make it… I just thought it was sweet! (As long as they’re all invited to the wedding)

Post # 16
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mousepeach:  Inviting OOT guests is ok in my book seeing as I’m OOT and don’t want to miss those functions. We always invite our family from states away and we usually have a few make it.

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