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That's tough. It certainly is not traditional for the MOB to make a toast, so you could use that as your excuse, and tell her before the wedding.
Or, you could take the passive aggressive route and just ask the MC to "forget" to ask her to make her toast.
I think maybe you should tell her what you just said here. She needs to understand how her behavior is affecting this decision, and that it's not intended as a slight or a rejection. If you can't do it on your own (which I tote understand in an emotionally volatile environment) maybe you can get in with a family therapist or counselor a couple times before the wedding so you can sit down in a neutral zone and talk this out with your mom before serious damage is done to your relationship.
@Elvis: I agree with you completely.
I've had a similar relationship with my mom and it's really hard to say no when they turn on the faucets. But sometimes you just have to--then start counseling if that's what you want to do--I recommend it.
@lizzie2211: Ouch, that is a terrible situation. It's unfortunate that your mom is going through this. It is quite obvious that she only wants to make a speech because your dad is making one. This emotional turmoil in which she finds herself is causing her to behave immaturely and inconsiderate to this important day in your life. However understandable that may be considering what she's been through and is going through, she needs to understand that your worlds do not revolve around her life and be reminded that although you understand, support and love her, you have a life of your own and will make decisions that will benefit your happiness. Tell her that she is vulnerable and emotionally unstable at the moment, and that you are afraid that she will break down during her speech and you do not want peopleto see that she is emotionally unstable. (She may even say something spiteful towards your dad). Anything you say that goes against what she wants will at this point make her feel bad. She is just in that state at the moment. So there really is no way of putting things nice to her, Best you can do is sit her down over some lunch or tea, tell her the above and that it is unfair towards you that she is allowing their divorce to affect your wedding plans. You know your mum best and how to communicate with her effectively.
I would remind her that this isn't some tit-for-tat playground incident where she gets to do something because her soon to be ex-husband is doing something. He isn't doing it because you love him more. Then remind her about your concerns about her making a speech and that this is your decision and that she should be supporting you in your big day how you need to be supported and that it doesn't revolve around her and her desires.
Thanks for the very good advice everyone, I really appreciate it! I talked to her about it, and then my fiance talked to her about it... it really didn't go well, but we're trying to hold our ground. Deep breaths!
i can sympathize with you- my mom and i don't have a good relationship at all. my FI and i have only been engaged for 3 months and i've already had 3 huge fights with her because she's determined to have 2 people at the ceremony that i don't want. i also worry that she's going to try to speak at our wedding. she doesn't approve of my FI because he's not religious enough, and has made it very apparent when she met him. i've actually told a few of my friends if they see her go for the mic they are to tackle her "football style." kind of joking, but not at the same time...
i can tell you what i've done with my mom so far, and hopefully that will help you. i have to accept that she's going to be difficult and learn how to deal with it without it stressing me out. be firm with your mom, this is your day, and you shouldn't have to worry about making her behave. it's sad that she's going through a hard time right now, but that doesn't give her the right to be selfish and disrespect you and your FI's wishes. tell her it's tradition that the FOB gives a toast, not the MOB, that you don't want too many toasts at the wedding because guests will get restless, and the bottom line is that she needs to respect your wishes. if she's still resistant, ask her why she wants to speak. what will she say? that may put her on the spot and she'll have to admit the reason she wants to speak is not the best for your wedding.
i know this is a long response, hope it helps...
Totally suxs when you have to be the parent to your parents...
Tell her she has to pre-write her speech and that you and FI have to pre-approve it. Let her know that if she goes off script, the dj will turn up the music like the oscars.
What is the worse case scenario with her making a speech? What is the best case? If she jumps into the deep end of the pool your guests wont see it as a reflection on you- but on her. And as mmssva says you can cue the DJ to end her mike time
I would ask her what she planned to say in the toast and see if she would be willing to perhaps recite a poem instead -- one you chose. If she is going to keep it short and sweet and agrees not to stir up any drama, I would not have an issue with her giving a toast. I'm sure my mom will.
I would ask her what she planned to say in the toast and see if she would be willing to perhaps recite a poem instead -- one you chose. If she is going to keep it short and sweet and agrees not to stir up any drama, I would not have an issue with her giving a toast. I'm sure my mom will.
Lay down this law...if you are having a rehearsal dinner, she can speak then, otherwise limit the wedding to Father of the Bride and Best Man.
And highlight an etiquette book for her
How can you be so insensitive? Ok Sorry 
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Our wedding is in 19 days! It just so happens that my parents are in the middle of a very messy divorce. Tensions are running high and it's going to be interesting to see how everything pans out the day of the wedding.
I also need to explain that my Mother, while she has been through some horrible things this past year, has gone off the deep end a little bit. She has always tended toward being self centered and emotionally manipulative, but now with our wedding and her divorce going on, it's just out of control. For example, anytime we make a decision she doesn't like about the wedding, she turns on the bigtime tears and goes into the "after everything I've been through this year, how could you be so insensitive?" routine. This doesn't even begin to describe how crazy she has been, but just take my word for it.... it's been AWFUL.
OK, onto the issue at hand... We had been planning on having a speeches done (at the reception) by our MOH, BM, and My Dad. My Mom only just mentioned today that she also wants to do a speech! She feels that it is totally unfair that my Dad gets to do a speech and not her. I see her point, but here's the problem.... we totally do NOT trust to not say something inappropriate, get overly upset/emotional. I actually told her that, because she wasn't taking no for an answer (about making a toast), which of course she was really unhappy about. I don't know what to do- we want my Dad to make a toast, but we don't trust my Mom at ALL, after all the horrible things we've been through with her being rediculous and manipulative. I mentioned the idea of having her give a toast at the rehearsal dinner instead, but she refused that idea.
Do I need to just lay down the law? I've always had problems giving in to her big guilt trips, maybe I just need to suck it up and say no?
Help!