Post # 1
I don’t want to get into too many details because this will turn ranty really quickly. I just want to know how others have dealt with their mothers who have turned over-bearing and really selfish.
Regarding the guest list, our vision for the wedding has been small/medium in size and intimate. We initially wanted no more than 75 people and this has been the single biggest source of stress from day 1. I don’t know how other brides have dealt with this, but for me it has been so hard to categorize the people in our lives into A-list, B-list, and so on. We want people there that we are close with (who know US) and who will be a part of our lives into the future. I have very small family so I actually thought this would make things simple. Turns out, a month out from my wedding there are people that my mom is still insisting that I invite even though we’re nearing 100. Essentially, there aren’t enough people attending that represent her-we’re too friend oriented.
So skipping ahead a bit, my mom ended up telling me that a wedding is more so about the mother-of-the bride than I’m recognizing. This is a very significant day for the MOB and I’m wrong to not do more to represent that. I’ve tried to reiterate our vision for our wedding (intimate, smallish), but apparently I’m wrong to think that my wedding day is about me and my fiance.
I don’t even know how to respond at this point. I’m supposed to be working on a day-of schedule and I don’t feel like doing anything wedding related.
Post # 3
I think the MoB that thinks the wedding is more about her, is the daughter who got railroaded by HER Mom (or didn’t get to have the wedding of her dreams back then for whatever reason). And it’s time to break the cycle.
The most methodical way of doing things would be to say, okay, the guest cap is 75: Mom, you get 25, Groom’s parents get 25, couple gets 25. Nice and simple, unfortunately that doesn’t always fly.
The other way of looking at it is how important is the guest count to your overall wedding vision? Will going over 75 require a change in venue and that venue was your dream? Don’t change the number. If the venue is flexible and it’s a budget issue, who’s paying and will they cover the guest-list growth? If Mom’s willing to pay, why not let her have this one and save your battles for the things that are more important to you, whatever those may be.
I wish you luck. I know that my MIL took over my first wedding and I couldn’t tell you who most of the people were that were at it. It’s not something I’m going to let happen again.
Oh! And welcome to the Hive!
Post # 4
I actually JUST wrote a post a little like this. AND my mom has gone completely to crazy town.
Are you an only child??
Im still learning on dealing with my mother and her outrageous wants and not willingness to pay. I am trying to actually have little contact with her. I have to keep reminding her that this is what I want, and when it comes to be her day, she can have what she wants. its hard. very hard!!!
Post # 5
My mother did a lot of the same things as yours is doing, and it drove me crazy and obviously still bothers me a little now, but I really have to say the only thing you can control is your own reaction. I learned to smile and nod, and agree to whatever she was saying, because it just wasn’t worth it to me to argue.
Of course, you may totally disagree and want someone to tell you how to get her back to reality. In my experience, that was NOT going to happen with us. I seriously booked a MUA for my mother and DIYed my own. Her friends and coworkers made a huge fuss over her and kept telling her things like “You’re the MOB! of course you need professional hair and makeup, people will be paying attention to you!”
I’m sorry that you’re so stressed a month before your wedding… I wish I could tell you something that would help. I honestly just gave in and let her have all the guests she wanted, it was easier that way.
But you know what? It worked out for us. She was happy, and I was under no real obligation to spend time with her friends aside from a toast at their tables and some pictures, and my closest friends were at the wedding. Thinking back on it feels a little schizophrenic – it looked huge due to all the guests, but felt like a small and intimate party because I only really had to pay attention to my closest friends and family who were there for us.
Post # 6
@thirdtimebride: I agree with everything you said! It’s like you read my mind. As I responded in MeganTacky2247‘s post, the way we handled the guest list was to give each parent 25 people, and besides our bridal party, we don’t really have that many more friends we need to be there. That way it was cut and dry. So then it’s like okay mom, you feel the need to invite 15 coworkers? Well then, you only have 10 family members to invite. Then that makes her responsible for who she feels is important enough to be there.
@wedsimple: are you in charge of paying for all these people also? I understand that you want to keep it small and intimate, but if your mom feels the need to invite 20 extra people and is willing to pay for them to attend, I say just let her do it. You will still have a fantastic day with the people you care about most, and your mom will [hopefully] be happy because she has the people she thinks need to be there. It will ultimately be much less stress on you to not have to worry about arguing with your mom anymore anyway!
Post # 7
oh god. This is something FI and I have been dealing with from my mom, too.
Originally, we decided on a destination wedding b/c we wanted to keep it extremely small. Well, that didn’t pan out, and my mother said that since we are now doing something local, there are people she HAS TO INVITE. I said, “ok well, we still don’t want many more on our list than what we originally planned, don’t forget that FI has a family as well, and don’t forget that I have friends I want to invite now that we are going to be local, too.” She got a little huffy, but I let her pout.
So I asked her to name the people she HAD TO INVITE. She listed them and I said, “OK THAT IS IT. Those are the people you MUST HAVE, and you can’t come to me in a week or 6 months and tell me that you are adding more. This is it.”
I think she is ok with it. I had to put my foot down, because we were getting way up past what we wanted with her never ending requests.
Is there a way to tell your mom that you are no longer able to add anymore, even if that’s not true?
Post # 8
@soyjoy222: I hope this goes better for you than it did for me. My mom was calling until the week before with last-minute additions and switcheroos. (“This couple can’t come because of whatever, but we recently found out that XZY is going to be in town, so they’ll be there instead, but they have to bring their college-age son, so can you add ONE EXTRA PERSON? It’s just ONE PERSON. Surely the caterers have planned for last minute additions!”)
Can you tell I’m so relieved that the wedding is over??
Post # 9
Guest lists are a minefield! Always touchy. That said, I think this depends who is paying. If Mom is paying for all or a significant part of the wedding, it’s a party she is thowing in your honor, and it would seems gracious to let her invite who she wants. If you are paying for it all yourself, and the budget is the issue, it would seem reasonable for her be limited to the number of slots you can afford to pay for.
Post # 10
I really appreciate everyone’s feedback. My mom and I have since made up and I agreed to let her invite another friend.
Part of my major frustration was that she brought this up with one month to go! If she was so mad, then she should have said something before I had even sent out the invites.
My fiance and I are paying for half of the wedding and she is pitching in about a quarter of the cost-my dad the other quarter. Our venue fits only 80 seated inside and lots more on the patio. It’s a partially seated hor’dourve reception, but I still want people to be comfortable and not overcrowded. We’re close to 100 guests. One month from today.. Getting nervous about the details!
Post # 11
I don’t have any good advice. My mom is going nuts on me too. At this point I’m hoping we still get along after the wedding is over.
Post # 12
I’m right there with ya!
Glad to hear that you and your Mom made up. My FI and I are about to schedule our showdown with my own mother.
What about guest lists drives Mom’s so insane???