(Closed) Momma’s Boy!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@FutureMrs.tSa: Sounds like he should marry his mom…

My FI’s mom used to call him every few HOURS when we first started going out. It bugged me to death. Eventualy and slowly he stopped picking up becuase I was arround and we were hanging out… Beucase I told him it’s rude(IMO) to talk on the phone when you have someone in the car, or are over at someones house. Now she calls like once a week….

It drove me insane. Now much better 🙂 …. I doubt anything will change for you if you’re at this point and nothing has changed… I wouldnt force the change though… 🙁

Post # 4
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Well it’s good to know that he doesn’t want your marriage to be like that… however, those boundaries take time to get set up, enforced, and where they’re respected… especially when it comes to mothers who don’t have healthy boundaries.

I would start dealing with it sooner than later for sure… if you’re his FW then his loyalty should’ve already shifted to you and no longer to his mother. <– this does not mean he shuns her… just that his primary boundary and loyalty should be to the marriage you’re preparing for.

Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t go well at first… it’s very common for MOG to go a little crazy when they realize they have to get their own husband or start actually interacted like husband/wife with the one they already have. It’s not the end of the world though & through honor, respect, and reinforcing appropriate boundaries they usually come around (or atleast hopefully)

Goodluck =)

Post # 6
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree w/ Amnystik.  I would have to see some boundaries going up and being followed prior to the marriage.

Post # 7
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Tell him to cut the cord already! What does he need to talk to his mom about 3 times per day?! I know I’m more independent of family than a lot of people (mainly because my family lives 10 hours away)… but that is just ridiculous. In all honesty, what does he talk to her about? If he has a financial question does he call her? If he wonders what color pants to get, does he call her? What is making him call her all the time. Does he feel he needs her advice? Or does he just enjoy talking to her about random things all day? I think getting to the bottom of “what makes him do it” will help you understand how to approach the situation.

If it’s for her advice, he needs to know that he can ask you… and TRUST you… being his future wife. If it’s that he enjoys the conversation, well he needs to enjoy YOU more than his mother. Not that you have anything against her. But when you get married you become one, and he puts you first because y’all are connected. If he can’t put you first then he needs to reconsider what he’s doing. No, I’m not saying y’all are bad for each other or shouldn’t get married….. I’m just saying he needs to change! Don’t worry, I’ve had this conversation with my FI as well. I told him to cut the cord, and he was frustrated with me, but eventually figured it was for the best 🙂

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee

@FutureMrs.tSa:  As Princess Diana said ‘there are three of us in this marriage’ and if your fiance’ is so attached to his mother, perhaps his level of maturity and independence needs a re eval.  If he’s super young – perhaps he’s subconsciously afraid to cut the cord, but if he’s anything over early 20’s it sounds as if this need for hanging on to his mother multiple times a day, needing her advice, approval, hand holding, etc. seems really to indicate an inability to stand on his own two feet without Mom proping him up.  What happens when you have disagreements – does he head for Mom for moral support – if not yet, it may well become his behavior pattern.  You need a real sit down about this, if he sees nothing wrong with clinging to his mother you may just need to take a long, hard look at what you are marrying.  I hate to say it but the title of your post “momma’s boy”, sounds about right.

Post # 10
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

I just wanted to say that although it’s really very frustrating that he is always talking with her, but how a man treats his mother is a good indication of how he treats a woman. I would do as amnystik suggested and work it out as gently as you can so hopefully he can learn to splt his time between the two of you.

Post # 11
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: Except it’s not a good indication of how he treats HIS woman! He ignores the crap out of poor OP just to talk to his mom all day, that’s not very nice.

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ugh, how long have you two been together? I ask because my FI was absolutely horrible about this when we were first together…when we’d been together about 6 months and his sister was getting married I can remember him and his mom needing to discuss everythingggg over the phone. For example, he called to tell her we were going to buy our gift for them. She told him what to buy. We got to the store and they’re sold out, so they end up on the phone deciding what else to get her. We get home and she’s on the phone confirming what we got. Like OMG really? It was like that for everything. But much to my relief, the calls tapered off enormously after we’d been together about a year.

Post # 13
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

No. This has to stop now. Is he just going to turn it off like a switch the minute you say “I do”? No way. He will talk to her even MORE after marriage or she will call even MORE.

Break him of this habit now and so he gets used to the idea that you are now number one in his life. His mom will ALWAYS be there for him. But a respectful MIL will keep a respectful distance. Dinners once or twice a month? Calling once a week? SURE! But this is nuts! Sorry you are dealing with this!

Post # 14
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yeah, this needs to stop or you are going to be mighty unhappy once you get married…cause it isn’t going to change and you will be compared to her for ever.

Post # 15
Member
46 posts
Newbee

OP:  MOG here, and MIL…

Please have a talk with your FI, and stop this!  Put your foot down, he needs to start being a big boy, er, uh, man here!

Okay, yes, we moms have a problem cutting the apron strings – I have had this; it’s very difficult to know that we are no longer “#1” in our son’s lives.  BUT, that doesn’t excuse mommy dearest. I personally am not one to pry, although I do like to know “how are things going, what are you doing, etc…”.  My sons on the other hand I may get a phone call once a week, ha. 

#1 – Before you have a discussion with your FI, what limits are you willing to extend?  Once a day?  Every other day?  Figure out your compromise!  But also understand that AT FIRST it is going to be a weaning process.  Kinda like… when you wean kids off bottles, or yourself off something like coffee – you can’t do it all at once, damn, those caffeine headaches are killers!

#2 – Make sure you approach this in a loving manner.  Don’t get defensive, as hard as it may be.  Something to the effect that you really feel unimportant, or your thoughts and opinions don’t matter!  I know that one of the things which has worked for my DH and I over the past 17 years, 21 years together, is that whenever we had to have a “Very Important Discussion” – we rarely had them at the house.  Home is familiar territory.  At home someone can slam doors, stalk off, turn on the TV, find something else to do, etc… If we had to have major talks (and they’ve been rare disagreements) – we would go out to Dennys or a coffee shop or someplace in public.  Ha, try slamming doors and raising your voice in restaurants!

I do have one question… do you call your MIL just to say hello and ask her how her day has been? 

Sometimes – FDIL’s will forget that MIL is a person also.  For a couple of decades, we focused on raising our kids, and now all of a sudden that part of our life is “over” – so now we ask ourselves.. “where do I go from here?” and for SOME women, or MIL’s – the answer is an empty spot, we don’t know, so we try and hold on to our own past.  It’s wrong, yes, but some women just feel that way and don’t know how to deal with it.

Good luck to you – even though you may be feeling impatient, while it is completely 100% understandable for you, and I agree with you – this is going to take some time.  As you said, you discussed this before – he did good for awhile, but then fell back into old habits.  When he starts falling back into old habits, you need to nip it in the bud immediately!

 

Post # 16
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Here’s a great radio dialouge that talks about the importance of a husband and wife leaving their parents and really becoming a 1-unit system with each other.

http://www.marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-parentsx-to-cleave-to-your-spouse/

I am a firm believer in getting wise counsel BUT you two should always have discussed an issue or plan first.. and then seek out wisdom if needed.

Goodluck =)

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