Mommy Bees…Especially Those Divorced (Remarried or Not)

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Coral99:  I’m confused. Your husband wanted his child in more activities and now that the ex complied he’s changed his mind? Am I reading this wrong? 

Post # 5
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Coral99:  I see what your saying. Having a child is no small commitment. Each parent must sacrifice their time etc. The child’s needs and well being should be the priority here. If he is being stretched too thin then adjustments to his schedule are in order.  

Do I think your husband should be there to support his child in activities/ sports? Yes I do. Is it possible for him to attend every event? No, obviously there will be times he won’t be able to. But he should make The effort. 

Just because your husband is not the custodial parent doesn’t make him less obligated to his child. meaning he can’t just be on the hook only on the days he has him. Does that make sense.? 

I see your point about the ex. She seems a little like a punisher to your husband. start off by suggesting changes to his schedule and go from there. Good luck! 

 

Post # 7
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

She is definitely pushing things too far. HOWEVER, it would mean the world to his son for your DH (& YOU,) to go to some of his practices. At the end of the day that is what matters, not the ex’s craziness.

I have two boys from my first marriage. FI & I are the ones that take care of 85-90% of their extra-curriculars. My boys notice (13 & 10 yo), but when their dad &/or stepmom show up, they notice and beam at having a little extra attention & love.

Post # 8
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the goal for divorced parents should be to maintain the same level of involvement in their childrens’ lives as they did before they separated.

Having said that, not all parents are able to attend all practices or games. I worked shiftwork as an ER nurse, so I made sure I drove and attended whatever practices/games I could. I did that for two reasons. Firstly, because kids want you there. Secondly,because I didn’t feel bad asking for a ride for my child when I couldn’t attend,if I had done the other driving.

So, No it is not weird that parents can’t attend all practices and all games.The goal should be to attend asmany as he can.

Your DH and his son are a package deal and that means you automatically have more issues to deal with than other newlywed brides. As much as you want to stepparent this child, I suggest you leave all the decision making to your DH. Be careful about the amount of timeyou raise these issues. The child already has two parents.

It is definitely weird that she sends all these emails and is overscheduling her child. She is likely feeling threatened by your position in her ex’s and her child’s life and is acting out because of that.

Post # 10
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Coral99:  He may not notice now, but one day he will. 🙂 He might even now, but odds are if ex is causing these issues for you, she is likely guilting her son (which is horrid.) Ignore non-essential emails, take the high road and just let it roll off as much as you can. The more she know it’s getting to you, the more she will do it. All anyone can ask is for you to do right by your son. Don’t feed the crazy!

Post # 13
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

She is pushing things way to far. I know sometimes it is not best to go to court and get something in writing but parental aggreements I have seen have all stated that the custodial parent is not allowed to put said child in activities that will intefier with other parents time unless the other parent has consented to this. She is pushing way to far and honestly she is putting her child last in this situation and letting her jealousy (thats what it sounds like) get in the way of raising her child properly. My ex husband cheated on me, knocked another woman up while I was pregnant, and abandoned his family. Now that he has never met his son he wants to meet him and spend time with him. We are letting him because he is my sons biological father and I am putting my son before my own feelings becaue, that is what we, as parents, are supposed to do. Your husband is doing an excellent job. I saw that people were calling you contradictive with the activities thing but the fact of the matter is you asked if he could be in one more activity or just more activities. However, you did not ask for her to exhaust her child and put him in an activity that eats up all of his time. 

Post # 14
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Whoops and practices are not exactly essential but yes he should attend some (NOT ALL) of his practices as he has time. As for her emailing your DH and telling him he is a bad father for missing practices…I think she should look in the mirror and realize she is being a bad mom for subjecting her child to fueding with his father. 

 

Post # 15
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

As much as you want to stepparent this child, I suggest you leave all the decision making to your DH. Be careful about the amount of timeyou raise these issues. The child already has two parents.


I meant raising these issues with your husband. There is little or nothing anyone can do about their ex’s behavior and even the discussions with your DH can start to drive a wedge between the two of you. All I’m saying is be careful. You do not want DH to misinterpret that time with his son is a problem for you.

His ex sounds very immature. Hopefully her behavior will mellow as she sees that things aren’t going to change.

Post # 16
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I just wanted to say I was in a lot of activities as a kid and even though my parents were married they definitely didn’t both go to every event. They worked a lot–I would say probably 75% of the time at least one of them was there, and 25% of the time they both came. So I think it’s crazy for your stepchild’s mother to expect both of them to make it to every practice, every activity, and every game.

That said, I could be wrong but it seems like your husband has custody one day a week? (I’m assuming maybe this is one weekday a week and every other weekend or something.) If this is the case, I don’t think it makes sense for him to only be expected to go to events “on his day”. If you shared custody exactly 50%/50%, it would make more sense because he would take him and go to events on his days, which would be half of all the practices and games, which I think is good support. But only seeing the kid once a week on “his day” when the mom is allowing him to see the kid on “her days” seems like a lost opportunity.

You mentioned your stepchild is too young to notice that you and your husband show up at events, but old enough to have homework and complain that he’s too busy with activities. How old are they? If they are at least school aged I’m going to guess 7-8? That is definitely old enough to notice when y’all are present, so I would suggest being a little more involved when you do go to practice. I think you should sit with the child’s mother so when he comes off the field he sees all his family there to support him where you can shower him with love and tell him how good he’s doing. I think the kid will smile ear-to-ear to see all his parents supporting him in one place.

Lastly, if the kid really is overwhelmed and wants a little more free time, maybe ask the kid directly if there is a particular activity he doesn’t enjoy as much. I feel like if the kid says “mommy, daddy, I really don’t like dance/karate/soccer anymore as much as music/baseball” the mom would feel more understanding to drop it and let him focus on what he’s actually interested in.

I also hope the kid is continuing therapy–I have a good friend whose parents got divorced young and had some messy coparenting issues in the beginning, and therapy did her a world of good. I’m hoping as the child becomes happier and feels like his parents are getting along better the mom will see the child is doing well and will be a little nicer to your husband.

Good luck!

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