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I woke up this morning with a rant on my mind. I'm itching to post it on facebook, but figured I'd get it out here and see how I feel about it!
Dear friends and family,
It's so great to see you this holiday season. We're so happy that you are getting to meet the baby for the first time. We would appreciate it if you could refrain from using the words "fat" "chubby" "pudgy" or "overweight" with our daughter. Not that it matters, but she is 50%ile for height and weight. She is starting to develop receptive language and I do not want one of the first things she internalizes to be that she is overweight. Don't we already have enough body image problems in this society? Please leave my daughter out of it. She's a healthy, normal baby. Thank you so much!
OK, end rant. I'm so fed up with people saying our baby is fat. They are so freaking insistent about it. Yesterday a couple of people said it multiple times even after I said that she is 50%ile for weight. Grr... Why are they trying to give our baby self image problems?
Rude. I would just say "thank you so much, that is so kind of you to say" and make them feel like assholes. Don't even try to get into the 50% discussion.
My friends had twins that were "chubby" babies. EVERYONE commented on it, and she would get so upset. They are now three and the tiniest little girls ever.
Wow. It is amazing to me that people feel like they have a right to comment on something like that in that way. I still find it fascinating how normal social boundaries seem to be broken down when a woman is pregnant or there is a baby around. My friend said she has strangers tell her how skinny her daughter is. Weird.
Obviously your feelings trump here, as you are the parent, but if I were to use the term "fat" to describe a baby, it would be used as a term of endearment. I don't know about the specific situations you encountered, but I can definitely imagine an auspice under which one could say "oh look at you, you cute, fat baby," and actually mean "look at you, you cute, baby-proportioned baby." Lots of people think fat is a cute trait to have in a baby and they may be trying to compliment you. Or they may feel hell-bent on expressing their opinion. Either way, they may resist when you tell them your baby is at the 50th percentile for weight because to admit as much feels like you are trying to deny their opinion, which people always resist.
Instead of telling them "no she's not actually physically fat," maybe you could spin the comments into more positive language and then evade. The next time someone says, "oh your baby is so fat," you can try to respond to the underlying tone. If they're saying it in a cute voice, you can respond by saying, "Yes, she sure is cute," and then change the subject. Depending on the person (like if it is someone you will see a lot of), you could preface by saying "Well, I don't like calling my child fat, but I agree, she sure is cute and just a perfect specimen of a baby." If someone is truly criticizing her weight I think you should be more direct. But for those who mean well, this approach may achieve a better result than just telling people not to call her fat because you say what you need to say while still making people feel heard.
Good luck and don't worry! The most important messages come from you, and you are doing a great job.
I'm with you on this one! Not a term I want my baby to use as an adjective to define self mentally!
Girls have enough body image and weight issues throughout their lives. They certainly don't need to start in infancy/toddlerhood. I'd speak up.
Maybe people don't realize how rude they are, or they are slightly joking? I don't want to offend anyone, but to me- a baby that has more substance looks much healthier than a skinny baby. When a baby is too small, it looks less healthy. I am glad you have a healthy baby! :)
Chelsea- Unfortunately, the tactics that you mention were already tried in instances one, two and three of the interaction that prompted this rant. The part I'm posting is after the polite deflecting comments.
The person I have in mind at this moment (though there are numerous offenders) said, "Hmm, is the baby really tall?" No, she's actually 50%ile for height. "Oh, well than she just must be really chubby?" Nope, 50%ile for weight. "God, she just looks really huge! And are those fat rolls on her wrist? Oh, she is a totally fat baby!" At this point I say nothing... Topic is brought up again... "So how much do you feed her?" I explain feeding regimen. "Are you sure you aren't over-feeding her..." Sigh, I get the point and stop responding. Yes, I get it. You think my baby is unhealthfully fat :(
I think it is completely rude - no wonder young girls have such issues with their bodies, when it starts so young. I wish I could banish that word from the English language.
I have seen pictures of your sweet little girl, and she is so far from fat! She is a beautiful little baby!
Wow, based on that conversation that was really rude and she was clearly implying that you overfeed your baby. People should mind their own business!
I do have to agree with some of the other posters though that sometimes I think people use chub as a term of endearment. I love "chubby" babies and I do think that babies seem cuter when they have little rolls.
@jubyju22: I agree. I definitely don't mind a comment like, "Oh, what chubby cheeks!". But these persistent comments seem to be crossing the line for me.
OH bummer! I hear your pain! I feel so bad b/c my good friend had a baby this past year and he had to be in the high upper percentile....but he was so cute and round so I exclaimed about L's baby being big more than once at the party to her face. I couldn't get over it and told DH that L's baby was like a marshmallow and he's soooo big!! (The parents are both on the small or petite size). Anyway, I felt pretty guilty when I realized I was talking loud and mommy could possibly overhear me.
I think mostly I was noticing it b/c I'm pregnant and have fears of having an extremely large baby pop pout at birth. Next time I saw him, I said "OH--(Baby) stretched out!" And he definitely did look like a 9 month old lanky basketball player. Why do I put my foot in my mouth!! Maybe she'll forgive me b/c I'm not a mom yet.
I totally understand you being upset and wanting to protect your sweet little girl. This may be a little off topic but wonder if it would feel differently if people said the same thing about a BOY baby vs. a GIRL baby.
I have a friend on facebook who posted something similar on her status (not about children though)- no one is loving it and everyone thinks she's a nut. What she posted was correct, but it is tactless and passive aggressive to post it for EVERYONE to see (There are 1-2 offenders out of her 200 some friends). If the chubby term irks you, you should take the offending party aside and let them know it bothers you. I totally understand how you feel.
ETA: Read what the offending party actually said- posting on facebook for everyone to see is inappropiate/passive. Sending a PM/phone call asking this person to refrain from the fat comments is in line. Or wait until she does it again and let her no in a stern tone your baby is healthy and you won't tolerate the fat discussion any longer. I can't believe someone would say that.
@808bride: That's a great question! I was just thinking about my friend's baby who is 95%ile height and weight. Everyone calls him "big" or "burly" or "tall", which seem to be better than fat and pudgy... but maybe that's just my skewed perception.
@maureen9004: That's why I posted it here and not there... but I definitely don't think it's passive aggressive. Just aggressive :)
@Mrs. DG: I hate that!!! I was on the opposite end. Everyone though I was starving my daughter. I was breastfeeding so she smaller than formula fed babies. She was healthy and happy!!! That's all that counts. I can't stand when people call babies fat or chubby like it's cute. You don't do that with adults. You don't walk up to someone and say "Wow, look at your cute chubby legs!" You would probably get smack/punched/shot/tazed/or all of the above.
I don't agree with calling baby any sort of "negative" term whether it's skinny/tiny/fat/chubby/big whatever. I am still being told all the time that my daughter is TINY. It's really driving me crazy, like I have to defend myself and tell perfect strangers that she eats a normal amount. I would definetly let the offending commentors know, as nicely as possible, that while they may mean well, it's just not a compliment and could they refrain from saying these things in the future.
That's just so rude of people to call your baby fat. That's horrible!
@Mrs. DG:I don't think it is offensive to call a baby fat. I think babies are generally cute, round and adorable. If your "baby" is 3 or 4 then I can see how you would think these comments are out of hand. Seriously at 3 or 4 I think it's still adorable. My SO was a chubby kid and I think he was the most adorable little boy ever:0)
@Mrs. DG: I am not making excuses for rudeness, but if a baby is short, they may very well look chubby even if they are at the 50th percentile for weight.
My daughter garnered the opposite comments. She was petite. I remember being with her in Hawaii when she was 5 and still weighed less than 40 lbs and being stressed out reading the a child had been apprehended by the authorities in Hawaii because she was the same age and the same weight!
I think your task as a parent is to teach your child not to let other people's opinions determine their body image. There will always be rude people with unsolicited opinions.
It sounds more like they are insinuating that you are not properly caring for her. I hate when people critique my parenting. I think all moms have things that make them rage when they are criticized about it.
I always called MB fat, chubby, Michelin Baby, etc. She had lots of little baby rolls all over. I assumed that it doesn't affect her since she has no concept of meaning of words yet, only tone. Am I wrong? I don't advocate demeaning children when they understand what you're saying, but I assumed that my seven month old could care less what adjectives I'm using if I'm giving her kisses and attention and loving her, right?
I am totally paranoid now.
PS-I avoid using anything that could be considered "derogatory" when talking about other babies. MB's daycare calls her the "healthy" baby because she's so big. Although now that she is crawling and pulling herself up to stand she is getting much leaner and losing all the chub she has on her cheeks and body.
It sounds like that person definitely crossed the line. We are the first one to say that our little man is chubby but for someone to question your feeding practices or to call her "fat" is incredibly rude. There is also a big difference depending on the delivery but it doesn't sound like she meant it in a "look at the cute little chubby baby" sort of way.
Ugh I never understand why you would call a baby fat. I do understand chubby cheeks or something but calling them fat overall is stupid and mean.
I really don't think people mean anything by it or are especially trying to be mean. It's really pretty common for people to say things about babies, and calling them chubby isn't really an insult. Most people equate that with meaning they look healthy and well cared for,so I'd take a deep breath and let it go. This is only the beginning of the many things people will say about her!
They'll comment when she starts to walk and when she begins to speak. How will you feel when no one can understand her and you have to tell them what she means? What if she only has a little bit of hair and people think she's a boy (even if she's dressed in PINK)?! If she happens to have a foot that turns in or even has a speech impediment? This is only the beginning of what people will comment about, and it makes the Mommy Bears in us, roar.
It's really OK. You know she's perfect, and that's all that matters. Try and let the rest of it go.
@MightySapphire: In our case, the baby is starting to understand words. She knows mama, dada, bottle, milk and a few other things. Last night I lay in bed thinking about whether she was learning the meaning of the word fat. That's what set me off. It didn't bug me until she was understanding stuff... and yeah, you are right, judging my parenting!
OMG she understands words already!! She is so advanced!
How do you know? How can I tell if MB understands certain words? I assume she understands sign language (very limited) but how can I tell if she knows what I'm saying?
If' she's 50% for height and wieght, then she's is a perfectly average and proportionate baby. And those comments definitely crossed the line. I'm sorry you have to deal with those rude comments. It's so uncalled for. I'd have a hard time not saying something snary or mean in response. It seems like so many people just don't understand how rude some of the comments they make are. I wouldn't say half the things people have said to me since becoming pregnant.
@MightySapphire: Because she'll shake her head if it's something she doesn't want and she'll reach out and indicate she wants it. Last night when I said bottle she nearly lunged out of the high chair and I didn't even have a bottle in my hand yet.
She also says mama and dada, but I'm absolutely certain that it's non-specific. She says mama when she wants any kind of comfort and dada when she's playing and chattering.
These guys are just sponges right now and even if there is no way in heck she is even getting the flavor of the word fat, I don't want to find out some day that she has body image issues for some unknown reason.
Ah ok! MB does the non-specific mama and dada too. But she doesn't know how to shake her head no yet. I'll have to test the bottle theory in the high chair. I'm not sure if she knows the word bottle but she sure knows "Mom come here and FEED ME!!" :-)
wow. that person definitely sounds rude...maybe she/he has some issues of their own? some people are just so tacky!
@Mrs. DG: 1st - you seriously know someone whose baby has been called BURLY!? I think burly and I think lumberjacks. That is insane. Who would say that about a baby, even if s/he is in the 95th percentile for height/weight!? Gees louise.
2nd - how rude of that person who said that about your little girl! I would be so tempted to say something like, "Are you sure you're not over feeding yourself? is that a fat roll around your waist? What's your BMI?" - and I DO think that in this kind of instance, you should be able to say your piece to the person in question, but I'm not sure it's facebook appropriate. :)
aww, that stinks...your baby is perfect! I don't mind "chubby" comments, but I even say that it's lucky to have a boy...stupid body issues in that way...my SIL at our Christmas celebration was commenting on how big my baby's ears are...I don't think there is a sweet way to take that, ugh!
Maybe they aren't used to seeing such healthy babies? I know my family always thinks my baby is HUGE (OK, he is big), but that is partially bc my sisters babies were both preemies.
People were pretty good yesterday and today. That's all I can ask for!
I really hated when they used to say that about my little guy. He was a little "chubby" but come on he was only 5 months old, plus the Dr had no concerns because she said almost every baby goes up and down with their weight. My little guy is now 3 and is 35lbs and he is healthy as can be. Thank the lord. My answer to the people that commented on his weight was simple. " Oh I didn't know you where a pediatrician?" Their response always was "Im not" So I would reply "Exactly" :)
I think in the commentor's case, they just didn't understand. There are some parents out there who just don't seem to care too much about what's "best for the baby", and just give their child anything they want. My friend's sister is one such case. Her baby is so overweight that it wheezes very badly, and can't move well. Is that fair for the child? When she was an infant, the mom and grandma would prop the child up in a chair, and set a full bottle in her mouth with a towel wrapped around so it wouldn't fall. To me, I see that as a choking hazard. Now that she's nearly 2 and can sit up and move on her own, they don't do so much propping. But food is still certainly a crutch to them, to keep the girl busy and out of their hair. Another irritation is that though her daughter now has 4 teeth, mom and grandma refuse to brush them (they don't do much brushing themselves, either). That's just disguisting. That poor child is going to grow up with bad eating and hygene habits. And she doesn't have anyone to teach her to know better!
Not that you are this parent by any means, but people tend to overstep boundaries when it comes to children (and preganancy, and weddings, and well, life in general sometimes!) I know it seems harsh and unfair for them to be judging your parenting, but the silver lining is perhaps these people genuinely care about your daughter's well being. It may appear that they think you don't know any better and need advice, and this is where you stepped in to explain everything to them in regards to her percentiles and eating schedules. As long as you and your doctor agree that everything is fine with her, take what everyone else says with a grain of salt. Let 'em know you appreciate their concern, but it's unfounded. And if the word "fat" bothers you (which is totally understandable), I think @maureen9004: is right in suggesting that you talk to those people specifically, over a facebook blanket statement. Those kinds of rants seem tacky in a newsfeed. Better to stay reasonable and have people agree with you than fly off the handle and seem like an irrational, crazy mother, especially when you're the one who's right!
Holy Cannoli, that's a long comment. Sorry for the novel!
Ah, sorry, DG. Cecilia is beautiful and perfect and definitely not fat by any stretch of the imagination. It sounds like you are trying very hard to bring her up with a positive body image, and really, that's the most important part. Remember that even if she hears those negative words, the words and ideas she is most likely to internalize come from you and MR. DG. So if you counter "fat" and "chubby" and continue to reassure her that she is healthy, proportional, beautiful, etc... you'll be able to minimize the effect on Ceci. Well, she will probably get it over it anyway. :) I'm learning that mommies continue to be angry about these things long after our babies have moved on, lol.
I didn't really get what you were saying until my FIL started telling MB to "shut up" this weekend while she was crying. He said it in a cute voice, but it pissed me off! He did it more than once!! After the third time I said "I really would prefer you not say that to her. Ever." He replied "It's not like she knows what I'm saying." And I said "Yes but I do and it bothers ME. Please stop." He didn't say it in my presence again but I'm STILL pissed about it. What on EARTH would posess you to say that to a BABY?? And she's not even crying loud, it's more of a moan because she's teething. UGH. I cannot wait for them to LEAVE.
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