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Wow, that is BS! I agree...I had to kick my FSIL OUT of the wedding party because she was acting like a snot and I just wasn't going to have her in the wedding when she was talking about hubs behind his back to EVERYONE she could get to listen...Things will get better. All I can say is keep your head up and stand your ground. It might make you feel bitchy, but I say whatever keeps you sane. I had to stand up to my mom when I was on vacation (about the food, and the fact that hubs and I will not be all traditional, I can go into that more in a sec.) and I know it hurt her feelings at the time, but we have talked about it, and she understands and has said she would have said the same thing if she were in my shoes.
I had to tell her to back off because 1. I am already married (backgorund: he's military and was supposed to deploy but now I still want my big wedding) 2. she has had her wedding and I appreciate her input but I want to feel like I can make my OWN decisions on our wedding.
(((HUGS)))
It will get better
Don't let the bs stress you out. It's taken me five years to learn to have my husband deal with his family. You should tell your fiance why people were cut and it was from both sides (you didn't specify whether or not your mother cut from the other guest list). Granted, your mother probably should have let your mother in law choose who to cut if people were taken off the list. I'm sure if your fiance explains to his mother that the house is not large enough for x amount of people and each party has to cut x amount of people she'll understand- but let her choose who is and is not expendable.
As for the groomzilla comment- it's silly and not worth it. Have your fiance explain the joke to his mother. Weddings are emotional, it's the nature of the beast. You've handled the situation very well, don't let the family drama come between you and your fiance. *hugs*
hmmm, thinking logistically... since his mom is the one that insist that those 7 ppl be invited, ask her if she could find another venue to include all the extra ppl and help to pay for the additional cost that would come with the additional guests? Thinkings like that might damper her enthusiasm for a big shower.
thanks for all your advice girls.
unfortunately, his mom won't budge nor will she chip in. the people my mom cut out were old old aunts and so family friends who we could explain the situation to and wouldn't have hard feelings with....the problem with two of my BM was they weren't being cooperative with the bridal shower and when finally confronted stated they did not know they had to chip in & were not willing to either. They are out of the wedding for other reaons, not because they were being sitngy....so MIL knows very well that there is a financial aspect of this shower, specially since SIL (her daughter) is in the wedding also.
Now it comes to the point where everyone is just fed up with the bs back and forth, it has been going on 2 months now. and to add to this problem....over xmas i had both my parents and his over to meet for dinner, since his parents live in TN. He asked while eating dinner to have a list sent of ppl she wanted at the wedding. Her response was "whoever you want there, i want there. there is nobody specific i care to have there..."
so why now all the sudden does every female member of his family have to be at the showeR?!?! to add to this, i am in grad school....attempting to finish midterm papers by wednesday and am going totally off track bc i cannot focus!!! its like nobody gets it! its my wedding...
Since you explained it like that, it sounds like your FMIL is having an issue of some sort, either with you or something that has occured which she didn't express and is taking it out by trying to get her say so in. Maybe sit down with her and ask her if there is something that is bothering her about the wedding that you guys can discuss, is that a possibility?
Where does everyone live that's to be invited? Being invited doesn't necessarily mean they will all come anyway. Are you saying 13 people aren't being invited altogether? How may ARE on the guest list? If it's over 50,I certainly don't know anyone whose house is big enough to hold that many comfortably without being split up in seperate rooms anyway (or unless its outdoors). I have a pretty big house,but with 30 at Christmas its tight!
Showers are supposed to be for close family and friends,not everyone you ever met! Its a shame you're being involved at all,but I think your FI has to talk to his Mom about it and how its making you feel.
I agree with loveapril: it sounds like something else is going on here. Maybe she feels left out of the decision making?
Who are these people that HAVE to be invited? What is your FMIL response to being told that there is no room and that the people throwing the shower can't afford more guests (I know you said she would not budge, but I'm just wondering what kind of a argument she's using)? Knowing that your mom has had to make some tough choices, it seems weird that your FMIL wouldn't have a better grasp of the situation.
It's craptacular that they are involving you in this, because it really isn't your decision to make...it's not like you are throwing the shower yourself.
My advice would be to sit down and have a chat with FMIL. Ask if there's something else going on. I would explain that due to the size of the space and monetary concerns, your BMs/mom/aunt have had to limit the guest list and have made some tough choices themselves with regards to invitees. If she insists, ask her how you are supposed to address the size/monetary concerns as you've explained that these are non-negotiable elements.
I'm sorry that I don't have better advice. :( I feel your pain though...seriously, why is that weddings bring out the crazy in people?
It sounds to me like you're talking about 12 people....can't the shower be scaled back in order to accomodate these people? They're probably family, which makes it tough to not invite them to the shower, ya know?
Maybe FMIL is upset because she wanted to throw you a shower, too? Or wanted to throw it jointly? My FMIL was all about throwing me a shower. So maybe it's less about the actual guest list and wanting to be included more.
And I could see how your mom's comment towards your FI would irk his mom....that's just something you don't say, even if it's in good nature. I just wonder what her deal is because I'm only seeing one side of the story and there's GOT to be a reason why things went from hot to cold so quickly.
Sorry if I missed this. But who are these 7 ppl? Are they close aunts of FI? I could see a circumstance in which certain ppl need to be invited. But other than that, I would say someone (your mom, MOH) nees to just calmly tell her that this is a low budget shower. Only X amount of ppl will fit in the house. If she wants a shower with other family from the groom's side, she'll have to throw another shower.
Showers are really for those close to the bride. I don't know if many ppl I know would be upset if they didn't get invited to a shower for the bride of a male relative (they don't really know). So that makes me wonder what some other bees have suggested. Perhaps it's a passive agressive way of dealing with something she's angry about.
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so saturday was to be a lovely day of food tasting & it just so happens his mom was in town so invited her, my mom, & my stepdad to join us for the tasting. all appeared to be going well until at the very end he and i went to the sale office to make a payment. when we returned everything still seemed fine..
his mom came with us and once on our way home she began questioning us about the bridal shower list.......
now i was really turned off tht i had to hear about this...i mean it is supposed to be a secret, however, a lot of drama had occurred between the bridal party & the cat had already been brought outta the bag, so to say. my mom had slightly mentioned something at the beginning of the tasting & i made it very clear i wanted to hear nothing more about the shower...
come to find out, i had lunch with my mom today and she tells me his mom & she got in a spat about the bridal shower guest list - among other things like my mom jokingly called my fiance groomzilla...and his mom did not think this was funny, however, my fiance gave himself the name...
apparently 7 ppl missing from the list from fiance side. now i know for a fact my mom cut out 6 ppl from our family so that it could be held at my aunts house to make it more cost effective since two BM's are no longer in the wedding....now his mom & my mom clearly do not like each other bc his mom said they absolutely HAD to be invited, no if ands or buts about it...and my mom tried to talk with her about this and she would not budge.....
i dont know what to do..i came home & cried to my fiance. he and i are at odds because it is our mothers, he got defensive and i tried to explain i just was upset, not at him or his mom..just in general..that i had to brought into this ...i am SO not dramatic! this isnt me...and i feel very hurt, specially since 2 BM had been acting quite selfish and are no longer in wedding - that feels to me like ive lost two friends...so anyways....
i told him to tell them i dont want a bridal shower...this is so ridiculous....i just needed to vent but it overall sucks. i am such a giving kind person and i put up with so much crap and i of course am the one who gets hurt......i really feel like it is bullshit