Weddingbee boards

Ugh, so here's the deal. My family is pretty close-knit, and everyone hates my mom's boyfriend. They've been together for four years, and he's ruined almost every family get together we've had. Overall, he's just an extremely disrespectful person and no one can stand him. No one's sure why my mom is with him. She thinks he's amazing and has rose-colored glasses on when it comes to him. Bad men has always been a pattern with her. Whatever.

Every time we organize a family get together, the same problems arise. No one wants the BF to come, and then my mom gets all upset when we try to cordially say, "Let's make this a family-only event."

Here's why:

- During my Aunt's surprise 50th birthday party, he threw a hissy fit because the focus wasn't on what HE wanted to do, and ran off to the bar, got drunk, and almost ruined the surprise for my aunt because he couldn't control himself. Then he started hitting on other women in front of my mom at the party. Classy.

- During my husband and mine's engagement dinner, he was borderline verbally abusive to me by saying I was selfish and rude because I casually mentioned I didn't want to invite my mom's business associates that I'd never met to our 75-person wedding. I cried, and the night was ruined. 

- When he was a guest in our condo, we asked him not to smoke inside (against our lease policy), and instead, he tore down our screened-in porch and held the cigarette outside. Needless to say, everyone could still smell the smoke, and he broke our screen because he just tore it down without taking his time.

- When he's a guest at other people's house, he wakes up at noon, moves at the pace of molasses in January, leaving everyone to wait around for him because we don't want to be rude, and then when everyone isn't ready to go on his schedule because we've started other activities to keep from being bored, he usually says, "WHY isn't ANYONE ready to go! I've been waiting around for like 10 minutes! JESUS!"

- When he's a guest at anyone's house, he never cleans up after his dogs, and when someone asks him to, he gives them attitude.

- At a family gathering one day, we all decided we didn't want to cook, and ordered pizza instead. BF didn't want pizza, and loudly proclaimed this to everyone. We offered to order him a sub, salad or pasta, or we would order from a different restaurant. He said he didn't want any of that because he was told there would be a BBQ (even though plans were never finalized), stormed off like a child, and sat in his car for two hours.

- Whenever he goes golfing with the family, he makes fun of everyone, and when he loses, he is MISERABLE the whole day, and then accuses everyone of cheating. He does this with board games, too. I wish I could say it's all in fun, but he's totally serious.

Point is, we've tried SO many times to include him. My family is very open to SO's and we love welcoming new people. The more, the merrier for us! But we simply cannot stand this guy. So, now we're planning a family camping trip for next summer, and my mom wants to bring BF. NO ONE wants him to come because he will truly ruin everyone's time, and for this particular trip, we're all putting in a decent amount of money for a nice 10-person cottage, and really don't want to ruin the trip.

What do we do? My gut is that I've had enough, and my mom can either come without him, or stay home and miss the fun with our family. But the nice person in me just wants to invite him and risk a ruined week in the country to keep the peace.

What would you do?

@ja7975: Yeah, we had a "confrontation" about her BF before our wedding, actually. I knew I had to invite him, but there was some drama about that whole thing, and then everyone started to  tell my mom the truth, that no one liked how he treated my mom, and that he ruins every gathering we have. My mom just makes excuses like, "Oh, well he didn't get a lot of sleep that night," or "Well, he's just a naturally competitive person." Ugh.

I'm inclined to tell her he can't come, too. The more I think about it, the more upset I get!

I would love more opinions!

@noritake22: yep, she has her own job and makes her own living. They don't even live together. If we're being totally honest, he has money, and I  think she's staying with him because she wants to be taken care of. She was a single, poor mom of  two kids for most of her adult life, and she's had several rough times financially, and I'm sure she's sick of it (I would be, too!). And now, while she's doing pretty well, she doesn't have the life most people would if they saved for retirement or invested money, etc.

When I approached her last year, I did just that. I calmly explained in detail why I was concerned, and listed all the things he's done, and asked her to look at the situations like an outsider. At first, she agreed, and said she that was  going to dump him if he didn't change, but that never panned out. A year later, she's still with him, and to her, he's amazing.

Oy! It's so complicated, and I just don't know what to do. Like, I don't even look forward to seeing her at Christmas anymore because he's there.

I would tell her that things haven't changed from the conversation you had in the past. That you understand that she cares very much for him and you respect that, but his behavior is still unacceptable and this is going to be a family only event. Period.

Has anyone spoken to HIM about his behavior?

@MissHelen: Thanks! No one's spoken to him, mostly because we simply cannot stand to talk to him. I confronted him at our engagement dinner and said that he can't speak to me like that, but he didn't seem to care.

Hmm...okay, here's what you do. Take a spray bottle to family functions. When he says or does something inappropriate or rude, spray him. Use a hose as necessary. That's how I got my kitty to stop getting on the counters.

I'm only half joking. He has to know that he's being an ass and if he continues to behave this way, there will be consequences. Start calling him on this.

@MissHelen: Ha! Love it :)

Seriously! Show him the bottle! "You see this? Next time you do X, Y, or Z or any combination, you're getting sprayed."

Thanks, guys! I really think I'm just going to tell her that she has to come alone, or not at all. My sister agrees with me, so at least I'm not the only one who thinks so.