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Touchy subject! I would say to tread lightly, but make sure your wishes are known. Have you tried showing her pictures of what you want your wedding to look like? Starting a blog was one of the best things for my mom and I. I could put my ideas on there, and she could see what I was thinking in a very unobtrusive way. Maybe then she'll see that her purchases don't really fit your vision.
Good luck!
I got engaged a a month ago... but I know my mother is going to be like this.
I know... it's almost like you want to say... I love you mom and everything you do for me but please please please let's not do these things.
I am trying to slap a budget on my mother, so she doesn't over spend herself. I am hoping that will work, but it hasn't worked for our engagement party... so I don't think it will work later on.
Good luck! Remember she loves you... and she is just trying her best. ^_^
Can you try blaming other people or vendors for why you "can't" use some of her stuff? Like, "Sorry mom, our wedding planner said she won't have room in her car to bring the frames to the reception." or "The fire marashall said we cannot have candles at the reception" even if it's little white lie, then at least she won't feel so bad. I did thi swhen my parents started asking us to add really bad music to our song list - "Sorry mom, the DJ won't accept any changes at this late date."
Oh dear, I hear ya and can totally relate! My mother in law was like that the entire way through planning. She'd phone me at work from a flear market across the border trying to describe some random trickets she'd found for the wedding. Or she'd ask if I wanted the elaborate, over the top version of something, and I'd tell her that we just wanted the simple style and she'd show up with the more elaborate option as a "treat".....like we were saying she wanted the simple one to be nice or modest or something.
The fact that your Mum seems oblivious to your taste is understandably aggravating. So is the fact that you're obviously trying to plan a wedding that isn't so, well, wedding-y and she's excited about the very things you've chosen to exclude!
I don't have any advice for dealing with her hurt feelings though. All I would say is make sure that your actions are loving, even if your actions involve verbalizing some boundaries that she's crossing. Focus on expressing yourself with tenderness and love, while still being clear about your own needs and limitations. If she's very sensitive and easily offended, you can't let that control the relationship because it makes it hard for you guys to move forward and have a deeper one. Sometimes you have to just remind yourself that when someone else is upset or hurt about something, it isn't always something you've done, even if it appears so!
Good luck!
Maybe you could say something like, "that's so thoughtful, you know what we really could use......" and fill in with something wedding related that you do want, and drop lots of hints to her about how awesome it would be if she would foot the bill for that particular thing.
My mom is also like this. She buys loads of crap from the Christmas Tree Shop (not Christmas related), which inevitably ends up in the cellar, the attic, or my old room. Baskets are her weakness. She also likes to buy clothes for me and my sisters, which I usually don't like. We just don't have the same style.
I have repeatedly said things like, "It's nice, mom, but it's more your style than mine" or "It's very thoughtful, but I don't have a place for it" or simply, "No, thank you."I've also directed her to shops that carry the things I like.
Yes, I've probably hurt her feelings a few times, but I hope eventually she will understand that I am more of a Modernist than she is and don't like the tchotchke things. Once she understands this perhaps she will find the things that I like. I hope that she would rather give me a gift I like than something I don't.
I would recommend having a sit-down with her, bring some visuals of your inspiration boards, and make a list together (even if you've already made your list) of things you want and need for your wedding. Then put her in charge of acquiring things so she gets her shopping satisfaction.
thanks guys a "theme" sitdown would be a great idea
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Okay, my Mother is not a nightmare, I have heard far worse stories about pushy Mother's of the bride stories... anyway.
So my mother, bless her, has terrible taste, "interesting" decorating decisions and gets offended very easily. She has also used countless hours of her time buying things for my wedding (candles, favors, napkins with our names on them... geez, other things with our names on them). We just are not that kind of couple to buy loads of wedding website plastic junk (sorry can't think of a nice way to discribe it).
And I do not want to come across spoiled or rude I just wish she would not purchase it and then sort of tell me its going to be in the wedding. We ideally wanted simple and elegant..Mom's buying stuff for your wedding
I feel bad, but after about 100 little trinkets, pushing linen upgrades on us that she wants to pay for.. I just do not know what to do anymore with not wanting anymore of these type of things in the wedding. I do feel bad because she is buying them and its her money. But I can't help in feeling like my wedding is just getting cluttered and there is no hope in trying to recover the style we were after.
So today I stop over and she pulls out bags and bags of frames, all different and all look like they be perfect in her house (my nice way of saying they are not our taste) and I just said..I don't like them and she is now offended. I do not know if this is the path I need to take and just keep saying no.