Moms with husbands who work a lot

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hm, not exactly the same situation, since my husband comes home every night, but he works 4 10s, and before the time change, he didn’t get home until 6:20, and bedtime for our son (now 16 months) was 6:30 (it’s now 7:30, so he sees him more). He has 3 days a week at home, but at least one day is spent doing homework (he’s in an accelerated Master’s program). At the most, we get 10 minutes in the morning before he leaves for work.

He has an incredible bond with our son, but at the same time, he hates not seeing him every day, and it really bothers him. He gets some great quality time with him on the weekends, but it’s rough on him. Functionally for me, it’s not a lot of difference in my day (although I’m glad this wasn’t our position with a newborn…that would have been really hard), but it’s really rough on him.

I don’t know if that helps at all. Would he be gone more than one day in a row?

Post # 4
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think solo parenting can def be challenging on you, especially when baby’s sick or not sleeping or the like. Do you have a good support system for yourself? That would really make a big difference for how doable lots of solo parenting is. My husband works long hours, and not having family around makes it challenging for me. As far as dad/baby relationships go, mine is only 8 months old but they have a lovely relationship when he is around. The only real impact of him not being around enough is that the baby is not jazzed about being just with dad – she will cry after awhile and want me to come back. I don’t think that’s a long term thing, and it happens often where mom is the primary caregiver even when dad is around more. What kind of bond they’ll have is probably more determined by how your husband is as a father when he is around, especially with older children. If he was distant or unengaged and around a lot, it would have more of an impact than him being involved and loving and around less. 

Post # 5
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

idoalterations:  What is the longterm potential of the job with 50% travel versus the other position?  My gut says it’s better to have a happy husband 50% of the time than a grumpy, miserable one 100% of the time (but it can tough to deal with them being gone so often.)

Will the travel position ever change over to a non-travel position or gear him up for a better position with less travel in the next few years?  If so, it may be worth losing some time the first few years to ensure you have the extra time later on.  It’s a really tough decision.  Good luck!

Post # 7
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My FI travels for work about 30% of the time. Problem is, a lot of time it’s last minute and he has to drop everything and go. Then he works 12 -15 hour shifts and sonetimes its the night shift. To make matters worse, the length of time he’s gone depends on the progress of the job, so he’s usually gone longer than he expects.  This makes life difficult because we have four kids (his 2 boys and my 2 girls) that attend 3 different schools and with odd co-parent schedules. A lot of times I have to work with his ex on a daily basis for weeks at a time. And its very taxing on my patience and sanity…but somehow (and I wonder how sometimes)…I manage. You just learn to adapt when you’re faced with no other options.

Post # 8
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

maybe this is a really dumb question (you mentioned you live out in the boonies) but if neither job will really matter in the future (bc of this MBA) why not look for a totally new job with a totally new company (hopefully closer to home) that he actually likes and will be around for?


if that isn’t possible I would rather a job I didn’t love but have more free time than a job I might love but would cause me to be away from my family so much (but then again technically my job is 50% travel but I knew that going into it and don’t have a kid, but I do really miss my husband and get very sad and lonely at times when I am away esp when I have to miss out on something because of it)


Post # 9
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

idoalterations:  Don’t worry about it. Its quality over quantitity. My husband works crazy hours and I am also a SAHM. He leaves the house at 7am and gets home around 8pm most nights. Our daughter sleeps from 6pm to 6:30am so during the week he rarely sees her. She LOVES him though. He gets her up in the morning at 6:30am and changes her diaper and hangs out w her for a couple minutes before work and thats it during the week. On the weekends he pretty much takes over and spends every second with her. She is so so happy every time she sees him and on Saturday morning she cuddles up to him while they play like they’ve been together all week. We also face time while she eats dinner at night. Its harder on my husband then it is on my DD.

Post # 10
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Ballet513:  That’s so nice to hear they have such a great relationship! I think we’ll be in a similar situation when we have children – i’ll be a SAHM and my FI is in an industry that while it pays really well, means he’ll be working long hours during the week and won’t see us a whole lot. I’m ok with the prospect so long as he’s happy. Its so nice to see that you can make it work without it affecting their bond/relationship 🙂

Post # 11
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

idoalterations:  My husband travels for work every week and is only home 3 days a week. It’s really freaking hard on us, and I would never recommend it unless you have lots of help from nearby family and friends (which we don’t). We’re trying to get out of this job situation as quickly as possible. 

But it has not affected my husband’s relationship with our daughter. She is 16 months old and loves her daddy SO much. He travels to remote locations so we can’t even skype and sometimes can barely talk on the phone every night, but she gets so happy whenever she hears his voice on the phone.

DH is extremely involved with our daughter whenever he is home on the weekends. That’s really important to us because even though she won’t remember these years, this is the time that builds the foundation for the rest of her life.

One bad thing for me is that because she loves daddy so much, when he’s not home she really misses him and her behavior is worse. She gets very clingy to me, and fusses and whines a lot more easily than when DH is home. That makes things a lot more difficult for me. DH also noticed that during her first year, she grew and changed noticeably each week while he was gone, and that made him sad because he felt like he was missing so much.

Post # 12
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My dad travelled a LOT in my first few years. Mum would video tape me for hours, just me cooing at the camera or trying to roll over. That way when he did come home, if I was asleep he could still watch what I did that day/week. We even have on video the first day that I “discovered” my hands, which is really cool. Now days this is even easier to do with phones and cheap tripods. 

In terms of bonding, if you are planning to breast feed you could try pumping and making sure that he can do at least one of the evening feeds. Also, and I don’t mean to put everything on your plate, but the more housework etc you can get done  before he gets home so that the only thing he has to worry about is spending time with you and baby – the better! 

For the times when he does have to do things around the house, find a way for baby to watch, perhaps in a bouncer/other weird baby holder thing :P. Even though he isn’t playing with baby directly, being able to talk about what he is doing and having baby watch him in fascination will all help with the bonding.

Also, don’t be alarmed if things seem to go backwards. Apparently one night after being away dad got up to soothe me (crying in the middle of the night) and when he walked in my room I SCREAMED because I didn’t recognise him. But it’s all good, we have a great relationship and I don’t recall those feelings at all. 

Post # 14
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can tell you from experience. My dad traveled for work. He was only home on weekends from the time I was born to about 10 years old. I was such a daddy’s girl. We had no trouble bonding. My mom said the only issue I had was when I went through a sacred of beards phase and my dad had a beard. When he came home I would have to get over my fear each time. Eventually he shaved.

Post # 15
419 posts
Helper bee

I have 2 relevant points for you. 1-I”m in a similar boat in that he works long hours a lot. But he loves it. And to me that is a HUGE difference. My mom and sister leave exactly 8 hours after getting to work. I talk to them on the phone a lot. But they often seem just emotionally drained. After work they have to ‘unwind’ and recoperate. My husband got home at 9pm last night after leaving here at 730am. Then we went through a bunch of legal documents together. He dealt with stress and crap. Got me water a dozen times cause I’m also due in June and wearing out sooner in the evening but also dehydrating. The thing is he loves his job. It’s what he would do for fun if he was independantly wealthy. We are on Gchat all day so I know all about his projects and I knew that this project he would put a ton of time into because I know how he works. But he comes home totally eager to help around the house, deal with stressful things- because most days at work he isn’t just hating being there. It’s the biggest difference in the world. In fact when he comes home and just wants to veg out (like everyone else I know does) I know he’s on a crap project or some other work stuff is off. So if he had a job he worked less hours I actually think he’d be less help. Esp if he just came home and had to ‘recover’ the way so many people seem to. 

2- My dad for awhile worked in another state. Mon-Fri flew to Chicago, was home weekends. I was 4-5. I remember getting him at the airport. I don’t hink as a kid it really damaged me BUT my mom HATED it and I could see why. She didn’t have a support systerm there and it’s hard. So really the kid will be fine -its you that might need to start a mommy club or go to other things with adults to have adult conversations. Luckily I actually think the internet helps immensly in that we can talk to people in similar situations that are further away. 

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