Weddingbee boards

I wanted to share my story to help future brides understand and cope with the stress of a selfish or demanding mother.  After reading my story you may not feel as bad in your own situation.  Whichever the case, my advice to you, now that the wedding is over is this:  It's ok to say NO and stand your ground.

My husband and I were engaged in May of 2009.  At this point in my life my mother and I were talking and getting along somewhat well.  You see, my mother is a very selfish person, and if she gets her way, she's nice.  If not, she goes ballistic.  It can be traumatic, if you let it be.  

We paid for the wedding ourselves.  It cost about $20,000.  We had it on the Lake Front in Chicago for 100 people.  I did absolutely everything, including: making fine art etchings (I'm an artist) for the save the dates and invites.  I also made all the flowers/table decorations myself.  It was a ton of work.

From the moment we got engaged my mother started requesting things.  Many things.  My parents were divorced and she still wanted to compete with my father.  She tried to manipulate me into thinking she should walk me down the isle.  That didn't happen since I have a wonderful father, and am so much closer with him, then her.

She insisted on having the shower for me, but she moved away from the family years ago and I didn't want for everyone to have to pay to go to Florida (where she lives).  Anyway, my maid of honor, who lives in Chicago, very close to me, also wanted to have it, so she did.  My mother promised to help, which she did.  However, there was drama because my mother planned a trip to Europe (months after we had the wedding date set) for her and her 4th husband right around the time of the wedding/shower.  So everyone worked around her schedule.

I gave them both gifts to say thank you.  My mother was upset with her gift because she wanted the gift I gave my maid of honor.  So, I went out and spent another $75 on a gift that my mom found suitable.  (she made appetizers and brought wine).  Her final response to the gift was "you didn't have to, but I am so glad you did)

One week later she started with more requests.  She insisted to be in the spotlight as the mother of the bride.  She also told me her gift to us would be $1500 towards the catering bill.  I was pleased.  She also told me that her Europe trip has now turned into a month long journey and that they would be flying straight to the wedding right after.  I didn't argue. The plan was she would stay with my Aunt and come to my home to help with the flowers.

The day before she left for her journey she called me crying and freaking out because my aunt didn't want them staying with her.  So, she manipulated me into letting them (and their stuff from a month journey) stay with us.  I begged her to get a hotel room, because my home was already packed with stuff, but that didn't help.  She promised us another $800, in addition to the $1500, so I said yes.

The week before the wedding, my mother and her husband came into our home and created a very unpleasant situation for me and my husband.  First, they had so much stuff, at least two bedrooms worth of stuff.  They were complete slobs about it, we were tripping all over their stuff.  Even our bathroom had very little room for us to get ready.

From the minute my mother walked into my home she started requesting things.  She had many needs.  So, in addition to everything I needed to do for the wedding, I waited on her and her needs.  She took so much from us.  Our clothes, other things.  They insisted on sleeping in our bed.  She Even took my slippers that I wear daily.  She insisted since she was the mother of the bride, she would wear my slippers.  Her and her husband also complained constantly about the city parking struggles, the uncomfortable bed, they didn't like the blankets, they didn't know how to use the internet.  It was terrible, I bit my tongue.

When it came time to do the flowers, my mom didn't help much.  My husband and I did most of it.

The day of the wedding we hired someone to help us get set up.  Otherwise my husband and I did all the work.  We had some hiccups with the caterer but the wedding still turned out wonderful.  We are so in love and it shows.

My mother was terrible, didn't want to help, complained constantly, kept pulling me away from guests with requests for herself, she even tried to manipulate my father and I into letting her walk behind us down the isle.  That didn't happen.

The day after the wedding my mother and her husband were still staying with us for another two days, from the minute we got back she was rude and demanding, still asking me for things.  

They also gave us a gift.  They gave us $500.  After all that stress, $500.  Boy did they get me since we ended up giving her 4 gifts totaling $300.  

Also, she insisted her friends be invited, who RSVP and didn't show up.  There goes another $200 we paid upfront for their plates.

The day we got back from our honeymoon my mom called me freaking out.  She left underwear in a drawer and needed it immediately.  At that point my husband and I agreed, enough was enough.  I didn't send it to her.

She has called me five times since.  Demanding I send her stuff.  She never mentions a thank you for everything I did for her.  Just demands more and more.  Well, needless to say, she has manipulated me for the last time, I refuse to speak with her.

But, even with all this crap.  Even with the added work and stress.  The wedding was wonderful.  In the end it's about love, that does prevail.  

@Laylabelle:

Be grateful that you were strong enough to say NO to her.  It must have been hard to NOT have her there, but trust me, you are better off.  My mom and her husband came with us to the wedding, we took them back to our home after the wedding, before we went to the hotel, and they slept in our bed.  I wish I would have said NO to that also.  Good for you....

@Pinot Noir: Good luck and stand your ground.  Thanks so much for your response....