Post # 1
Hey bees, sad bride here-
My wedding is a little over a year away and I’m already stressed out and wanting to just elope. I’m a younger bride at 23 and the first in both my immediate family as well as my fiances to get married. Both of our mothers are actively involved in both of our lives and I certainly consider his mom to be an extension of mine. But that is where my problem is arising. I love my mom dearly and I value her opinion. However, I feel like I have gotten the third degree on planning and its making me upset to a point where I almost want to throw in the towel and let my mom and sister just plan everything. I live in St. Louis and my wedding will be in Seattle which also makes things extremely tough for me to plan (its not destination, my fiance and I are both born and raised in Seattle and moved to St. Louis for medical school) I have been working closely with my fiances mom on bridesmaid dresses because his mom offered to order a couple dresses, let my maids see them try them on etc to see if its what we want. Well, my fiances mom came to St Louis this weekend and brought the dresses with her so I could finally see them in person. I loved them, they are gorgeous.
My problem came in trying to pick colors because they were also all gorgeous! So I decided I wanted to do 3 colors, a dark blue a medium blue and a gray, and go for an ombre look. The gray is a fairly light gray and hard to show my mother via iphone pictures just how pretty of a gray it is in person. Anyway, I spent several hours yesterday playing with the dresses and colors to finally decide what I liked. Super excited about my decision and feeling accomplished I called my mom to share the good news. She immediately started shutting down my excitement by asking questions like if I have taken a picture of the gray dress next to a white dress from far away to see if they will look okay or if my future hubby is just going to look like he has multiple brides etc etc. I understand where she is coming from but it was one of those instances where I felt like I had a baby and decided I wanted to name her Ashley and I told someone who then told me that they used to know an Ashley who just plain sucked. Talk about buzz kill. I was pretty upset, maybe more than I should have been. I hung up the phone with my mom then texted her, apologizing for getting mad at her questions but that I was just realy excited to tell her and than my excitement was smooshed. After that I recieved a text message that was several pages long saying that I love my fiances mom more than her and that I’ve replaced her already and that she never thought she’d lose her kids and how she is a perfectionist and the wedding is a reflection of her if it isnt perfect yadadadaa. Talk about ouch. I then recieved several texts from my moms best friend who is basically family, turning the whole situation into a money issue because my fiances family has money and mine doesn’t. I’m just so sad that i’ve hurt my moms feelings but she has also really hurt mine.
Whats a girl to do? I know we’ll end up just needing to talk it out but has anyone experienced anything similar? How’d you deal?
Post # 2
you need to make it very clear that you love her and respect her opinion and that’s why you wanted to tell her first etc. it’s really important that she understands that even though you’re forging a new relationship with your future mother in law, she’ll always be your mom and that you don’t want her to feel excluded!
sometimes you have to put wedding planning on pause and take care of the family part first. i feel for you! i’ve had to do a little of the same with my mum – don’t worry! people just need to be reminded from time to time how special they are to you. i’m sure she’s lashing out because she’s sad, and not dealing with it well. it would be great if she dealt with it better, but she didn’t – that’s life! so hopefully after some reassurance from you she’ll feel better and refocus.
Post # 3
My mom got that way. I finally told her at one point that having her tell me that she hated every idea my fiancé and I had made me feel like she wasn’t valuing our opinion.
Her response to that was to tell me that we were on our own, she retracted all previous offers to help with planning, and said she’d wait to get her invitation in the mail and see us at the wedding.
My fiance’s reaction was to say fine, that’s what she gets then. I still needed addresses for invitations from her. So I pulled out the big guns … I got in touch with my dad, and within 24 hrs had an apology email from her and she’s beenmuch easier since.
In the long and short of it, my suggestion would be to find a mediator. As much as I would have loved to just go with her idea as it would have been so easy, my mother was shut out of my siblings’ weddings completely. My fiancé and I both have insane work schedules, so we made our own agreement as to how much we’ll let my mother ‘decide’ before we step in.
Post # 4
peonyinlove: &&& SoloCare:
Thank you guys SO much! I know I just need to let her know she’s still my mom and I certainly don’t want her to be excluded. My sister has become our middle man (my sister is my maid of honor and boy is she doing a good job!) Thank you guys for not making me feel like I’m crazy and alone!
Post # 5
I’m having a similar problem… Only with my Fiance’s Mother! Only she thinks I’m choosing my family because MY family is poor and her’s isn’t. Talk about lmfao<br /><br />I’m glad your sister is helping by being the bridge. Can you reply and update us on your mother? I really do hope she’s appart of your wedding because that’s mostly what mom’s dream of -Helping thier Daughters with important life changing events. 🙂
Post # 6
Of course! I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation- we want HAPPY brides nothing less! My mom and I have worked things out for the most part. I obviously love her and want her to help plan it’s just tough being pulled around with everyone and their ideas. She still gets a bit upset if I don’t like something she does, but she’s dealing with it a lot better. For example, she is obsessed with bling and crystals. I want a classic, traditional wedding– so she’s still trying to convince me on those but at least it hasn’t upset her. I hope all works out with you and your future mama in law 🙂