Weddingbee boards

My mom is great in that she and my dad have agreed to cover 90% of the wedding-related costs.  As a result, I am ok with her having a 90%-sized say in the guest list and also the ceremony and reception elements food and entertainment-wise.  

She asked me about BMs and initially I told her I would have 5 (including a JB).  I initially thought of 6 girls, thinking that one of them who was living in Europe would say no as she told me "I hope I can come but I think it is during my exams" when she found out about the wedding date.  In the meantime, I asked another girl I wanted to include.

She wrote me back today and said she will be in Canada, and she assumed she was a bridesmaid since we are cousins and we talked about it a lot as kids.  I then asked her without clearing it with mom.

Oh, mom flipped out.  She told me that she could not cover the cost of another dress, and I volunteered to pay for the additional dress, flowers, hair, and any increase in transportation or other costs the 6th attendant would generate.  I also said that my friends were already expecting they were paying for dresses since that's how it's done in North American culture and only the family members of the bridal party would expect her to cover that cost according to our traditions.

 She then accused me of "being the bridezilla," in her words, and claimed she didn't want to know what kind of extravagance I would ask for next.  Oh, man.  She proclaimed our wedding is officially tacky and told me to choose between the sixth bridesmaid and my dress and venue.  Apparently, the dress and venue are now too classy to be included in a tacky tacky 6-bridesmaid wedding. 

Sigh, I was kind of attached to my dream dress but obviously I'm not going to be too picky since it's free.  Meh.  Luckily, I also tried one on at David's that I liked that was hundreds of dollars off.

I just wish that she could accept rational, logical compromises like "you want extra attendants, you pay for them"

Eloping is looking like an option. :)  I know it would piss the family off big time (which is why we are having a big fancy wedding in the first place, out of respect to tradition) but I just can't deal with her total lack of logic. 

Anyone else dealing with a totally irrational mom? 

@ emileee - I have had married cousins suggest that I call her bluff.  It worked for them, to varying degrees.  I'm just not comfortable with confrontation.  Still, I think it is getting to the point where I just don't know what she is angry about - is it *really* the sixth bridesmaid that's bugging her?  So, I do think you are right.

Paying for it ourselves would be hard in that we could afford a budget affair, but we will incur so much disapproval from the family if not all 200 of them get to come.  When we presented it as something we would pay for ourselves, we showed her we could host 75-100 people with our budget.  This was seen as somewhat of an insult to the family...

Also, I am kind of happy that the entire family will be there because we only really get together at weddings and funerals and the funerals are kind of, well, funerals.  

I can certainly commiserate with you on having an irrational mother - mine was the same during the wedding planning. But I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest another explaination as to why your mom may be flipping out... Perhaps, because she is paying for 90% of the wedding, she feels that it is "her" wedding and her generosity should not be taken advantage of by you then going and spending your own money on something she doesn't agree with. Not that I am saying you doing this. Have you talked about budget limits? For example, she agrees to pay for up to $x and anything a penny over that you will pay for.

You've made a very logical appeal and having your friend in your wedding is important to you, so you can definitely push back a little! You can do it! Definitely enlist the help of any family members to sway her.

Or, if you're willing to compromise and not set on having your friend as an attendant, maybe she can particpate in another role.

Good luck!

<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">Perhaps, because she is paying for 90% of the wedding, she feels that it is "her" wedding and her generosity should not be taken advantage of by you then going and spending your own money on something she doesn't agree with. 

That is a good point.  I guess that because this is only going to cost $300 more, maximum, I just don't see why it is such a huge affront to her.  

So far, she refuses to engage in a specific discussion about numbers.  She is more about telling us we are covering "rings, honeymoon, tux rental, invites and other stationery."  I asked her for numbers so FH's family could pick a way to contribute and she just told me to tell them to pay for the alcohol.  

Okay, the more I type the more I realize I just need to talk to her instead of the hive, but you have all given me points to consider raising with her.  I think her generosity is great and that she should have more control, but I want to see if I can get her to be more rational and less of a control freak.