Post # 1
We’re planning on a destination wedding partly to cut costs my mom had offered money if we had the wedding here to offset the cost. We are still going to go with a destination wedding, so I wasn’t sure if my mom would still help pay. I did tell her that FI wants to pay for as much as he can on his own, but I asked her if she could pay for the wedding dress (which is 20% of what she offered to us).
I haven’t purchased the dress yet, but I’m about to. FI and I wanted to pay for it on our own because we don’t want anyone to have any say in the wedding we want to have. She already tried to invite a guest without telling me, and it just so happen to be a guest I wouldn’t want at the wedding.
I specifically told her the money would be allocated to the dress. She has gone to the dress fittings and her favorite dress she liked was the first dress I had on (I think partly because it was the first dress and maybe it had a bigger impression), but I came out of the dressing room sayin that I didn’t like the bottom portion of the dress and wouldn’t consider the dress because of it. She did say the other dresses I liked were nice. I have picked out a dress she hasn’t seen yet, but I don’t think she’d put up a big fight about it.
How does this work? Because she contributed money, period, I have to listen to her advice/do what she says? Or only her opinions about the dress? Do I have to list her on the invitations as part host? Should I list her on the progrom somehow? And how?
I would like some opinons before I accept her money. While I can pay for the dress on my own, it’ll drain out a lot of my own (separate from FI) savings and would prefer not to do that.
Post # 3
If she pays, she gets a say- but not a whole lot of artistic direction… ie she gets a say on the cost of the dress or if she really hates it, but ultimately its still your choice, I don’t think paying for the dress gives her a right to invite anyone she wants, I would list her as a host out of respect (though, to be honest- i don’t think my mom would have cared if she wasn’t listed, depends on the person).. if you stick with her buying your dress, i think you’ll be fine with being able to make all of your own decisions
Post # 4
Because she is your mother, you have to listen to her advice. Because you are a grown women, though, you don’t have to necessarily follow her advice. Listen, consider it, and then make your own decisions.
This is not about money. It is about showing respect and love for a person who has spent much of her life meeting your needs when you could not meet them yourself. Etiquette itself does not acknowledge money as a valid consideration, other than to point out that nice people don’t talk about money in public and don’t put matters of social good manners up for “sale” based on money. Being a hostess is NOT about who pays, it is about who takes personal responsibility for the comfort and well being of all the guests and about the style of the event. It should not be a committee, and from the tone of your post it sounds like that person is you; so, no, your mother should not be named as part host.
Practicality, however, does come into play. You are not entitled to money from your mother, for anything. If you piss her off enough, she won’t provide the money. If you piss her off after you get the money, she’ll remember it the next time you want something from her and you won’t get what you want then. She hasn’t even offered you anything yet (as in, the money she did offer was to defray the cost of having a wedding at home, and you already declined the terms of that offer — so that money is NOT still on the table.) Your best bet in getting money out of her, is to treat her with dignity and respect, and to accede to any of her wishes that you can tolerate. How would you NOT list her in the programme? She is your mother! Surely you planned to give your parents’ names? Consider listing the parents on the invitation as “daughter of …” and “son of…”, after your own names, if that is something that would please your parents. If you want to be particularly gracious, go to both of the mothers and ask “is there anyone in particular you would like me to invite”, and then add to your invitation list those of their requests whom you do not mind hosting.
Post # 5
My concern was that we want different weddings. If she had her way, she’d have an hour long Catholic mass and a big formal ballroom traditional reception with 300+ guests–inviting fifth cousins I’ve never met before or knew existed. As introverted atheists, we want a more casual intimate wedding with less than 50 people. (If FI had his way, we would elope with one witness, and even then, one witness is one too many!)
She already made me feel guilty about wanting a destination wedding and only then offered to help pay for the wedding in the states. It was really disappointing that she wasn’t as supportive about it. To be honest, and yes, it’s sad to say, I’m not THAT close with my mom and she’s the type of mother who passively agressively disagrees with and judges everything and even as an adult, it really affects me. I hate this feeling of guilt. I have a feeling that if she doesn’t approve of something, I will feel like crap partly because she will say it in a way to make me feel that way, but at the same time, I’m going to feel like crap if I don’t have a wedding that I want or that doesn’t reflect me/us.
We have completely opposite visions, taste, and style. I thought that if she had an opinion about the dress, I could emotionally handle it but I really didn’t think she’d “put up a fight” on a dress.
FI’s family is from different countries/cultures and aren’t used to these American-style traditions. I figured we would have programs (although, since FI is from a different country, he didn’t think programs were even necessary and didn’t even know what they were until I explained to him what it was–he hasn’t attended many weddings while being in the states) and yes I would list our parents on them, but I wasn’t sure if I would list my mom in any different way (other than being my mom). Sponsor, maybe? And, given that his parents are from different cultures, I don’t know if they would understand why my mom is listed as “more special.” I wouldn’t want the conversation, “because she gave us money” because his parents aren’t in a position to financially contribute and they are taking a very hands off approach anyway.
I guess I need to figure things out still and way my option. Thank you for your responses!