Money and mom.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3671 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Reptilian:  Yeah, if she’s already holding her “generosity” over your head when she hasn’t given you money, I can’t imagine if she actually did give you money. I would kindly decline her assistance. Just insist that you will be paying for your wedding on your own and that you are not prepared to set a date yet, but you will let her know. If she brings it up again, don’t engage her, just say nope, no date yet, and change the subject.  

Post # 3
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee

My mom was the same way about school ” offered to help pay” I enrolled, booked my classes and when it  came down to it I believe she gave me $300. I had paid my tuition with my own money but my books alone were almost 2,000. She had made me believe that I was going to be receiving ongoing support and not have to worry about money for school and thats not what happened.

 

I would tell your mother that you and your fiance will plan when you feel comfortable to do so and that although her offer is appreciated it is unecessary and you will be paying yourselves.

Then if she gives you any cash monies on her own bonus and if she gives you nothing you were not counting on her anyways. You don’t want to put deposits on things only to find out she has once again failed to follow through.

Post # 4
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Maybe for now, the next time she brings up setting a date, tell her that you thought about the date and you want to have your chronicle illness under control first (if it is controlable) or some other non-money reason to delay it for now (ie FI’s job is really busy, he can’t take off work).  That way, money doesn’t solve your problem. 

Post # 6
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just plan the wedding that the two of you can afford, when the time is right. If your Mom gives you any money, you can decide if you want to use it towards the wedding, student loans, or anything lese.

If she doesn’t give you any money, you wont be in any more debt, by spending money you don’t have.

Post # 7
Member
5233 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

Since she’s promised before and not come through, it’s very smart of you not to rely on her word. Like PPs said, plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford, and if she does end up giving any money, it’s a bonus. When she asks about a date, maybe she really just wants to know about the date, like so she can start planning time off work or something. So, what if when she brings it up, you just answer that one question “no, still haven’t pinned down the date yet — you’ll be the first to know when we do!” and don’t go into reasons? Then she won’t feel the need to make what are probably empty promises, and you don’t have that stress of wondering “does she really mean it?”

Post # 8
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Reptilian: Your mother sounds EXACTLY like mine. I left her home when I was 16, and she still guilt trips me about stuff….stuff she never actually helped me pay for at all!

That being said, she’s doing the same to me now. She told me “If you don’t let me financially contribute, I won’t attend your wedding because I just can’t LIVE with myself!”….so she put a deposit on the reception hall I’d had in mind without asking me first. I’m thankful for that, (first time she’s kept her word on money) but it’s in her name….so it’ll probably be held over my head … ugh. That being said,  I’ve stopped giving her information, and pretty much went the route you’re going to prevent her from having anything else to hold over my head. 

I think you’re being smart by being cautious about what you agree to with your mom. Not paranoid or ungrateful at all. It’s an awkward situation to be put in. If your mom is like mine, just don’t  give her any information unless you’re ready to plan and know what you and your FI can afford. We haven’t told my mother that the church and caterer have been chosen – she will know AFTER everything is securely booked in our names. That way, if she comes through with help – great – but if not, it’s no loss on our part. 

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