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We are both almost thirty and we don't ask for or receive money from our parents. I think I would feel weird about it. Anywho...I understand your FI's point of view and you seem to understand it too. I feel like since you are in charge of the finances, it wouldn't really be right to keep accepting money from your mother since your FI obviously isn't keen on the idea. It sounds like you would be hiding it from him.
I'm 23 and I still get money from my parents. But. I also graduated in one of the worst economies in US history, so I couldn't find a job that pays enough to support me and still can't find one. That being said, I don't think it would be right to accept money from your mom and not tell your FI, but I think you know that.
Really, I think you just need to say "tough luck" about the Black Friday spending money and maybe even cut the cable til you can really afford it, since it sounds like you're pretty much stretched at your limit without an emergency fund for something like a vet bill. Pets are EXPENSIVE and while I'd love to have one, I'd feel amazingly guilty about asking my mom for money to cover a vet bill that I wasn't prepared for.
My parents have made very, very clear that once I get married, the apron strings are cut and I am completely on my own. You might need to cut down on some spending/ unnecessary things like cable until you can get an emergency fund set up (6-8 months of living expenses), but you'll feel SO much better about your situation and you FI won't feel like you're running to Mom instead of solving the problem together.
i'm ok about the black friday $$ btw, and in all honesty HATE shopping on black friday - it's HIM who loves shopping on that day...just as a side note. :)
Ha, that makes it even easier! Tell him that since he doesn't want to know about the finances, this is what happened and he'll just have to deal. I still stand by everything else I said about an emergency fund, though.
I agree with pps about the need to be completely independent from your parents, espcially since your FI doesn't like it. However, it would really annoy me if my FI were like, "I want nothing to do with the finances--you need to handle them!" I think it's important that both parties be involved in financial decisions-and I say this as someone who is pretty clueless when it comes to finances, has a FI who WORKS in finance, but I am trying to be more involved, which is is supportive of. It seems like maybe your parents are providing the financial support (not just in actual dollars, but maybe in advice and a listening ear) that your FI is not providing.
@KMSull- good point :)
@junebride- I can see both points of view, honestly. My parents helped me out financially all through school when I needed it and its been less than 2 years since that time. Since I graduated the only time I asked for/received money was because I wanted to buy a mattress for $1000 and I didn't qualify for the 0% interest for 6 mo because I was "unemployed." Now, this was about 2 weeks before I was starting my new job and I knew that I would have the money to pay off the mattress within 3 months so I just really didn't want to put it on a credit card and pay interest. So, I asked my mom for a loan and then I paid her back in 3 monthly installments.
That being said, I too am VERY open with my parents about my finances. Not because I need their approval but because it would be kind of a 180 to suddenly be secretive and I don't see the point. I stand behind my choices and I don't mind discussing them. Plus, I will take free advice where I can get it and having another opinion to consider isn't a bad thing. They don't abuse the system and it sounds like your mom doesn't either. That being said.. I can see why your DH isn't comfortable taking money from your parents and I think that if he really digs in his heels about it, it is probably not worth the fight.
I agree KMSull-- if a small $300 vet bill is enough to make you not be able to cover bills for the month, you need to look at ways to reduce your monthly spending. Maybe things like cable and black friday shopping just aren't within your means right now. I think it's great that your mother is so generous with you. However, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, I would stop taking money from your parents for bills.
If your mother wants to continue to give you extra money during the year, could she do things like give you guys household gifts for Christmas and birthdays and things? So instead of slipping you $300 here and $300 there, she could buy you that new dining room table you've been saving for, or something like that? That might make your partner less uncomfortable.
$ issues are still one of the top reasons why people get divorced, so I think this situation warrants a sit down with FI where you two can be upfront with one another and both willing to change the way things are currently being handled. I think he should be involved in your financial status and should not be telling you that he doesn't want to hear it when you try to clue him in...that's not nice to you and it's not a good thing for your financial future. However, I totally agree that it's probably time for you to stop accepting money from your mom for things like the cable bill, etc. and most certainly stop sharing the details of your financial situation with your parents.
If my FI was discussing our finances with his friends/family/parents I'd be livid. In my eyes, that's a private matter and unless we were in a REALLY dire situation (i.e. medical problems that caused a hardship, or some other severe situation) - I would never share our financial status with anyone).
I notice that you keep referencing that things have always been that way with you and mom, etc. but the thing is...you are building a new life now...with FI, not with mom and somethings will have to change...it's all about compromise in a relationship. I think you should respect his stance on not wanting your family to know his finances and perhaps he'll even come around a bit more and be more willing to listen to you about them when he knows it's just the two of you on the team.
I hope your dog is okay. I agree with the PP about putting away a nest egg of sorts. Pets are expensive. I have a housefull and in less than 12 months we spent over $6,500 on them! Wouldn't change a thing though, love them all to bits.
I pretty much agree with everyone else. I wouldn't accept the money, because, and I hate to say this, at some point that money may not be available to you, so it's best to not be even a little dependent on it. Now that you are married, it should be you and your husband providing for yourselves, and if you need to go without a non-essential service for a while, then so be it. We didn't have cable or internet at my old apartment because we couldn't afford the only company my apartment complex allowed. We were ok with that, because we saved $130 a month on it.
I also am open with my parents about my finances, because like Corgi said, never hurts to have free advice, but I don't accept money from them (accept the money they are putting towards the wedding). If my FH and I can't afford something, we save up for it. I feel you on the vet bills though, our kitten went to the vet last night and had a $100 bill, but it will probably be more in the very near future.
I also def agree with KM on having an emergency fund of 6-8 months. That is pretty vital in this economy if, heaven forbid, one of you loses your job.
I totally understand everyone's responses - and again - it has been a VERY VERY long time since I've even asked her for money or she's given it freely. She did give us $$ right after we moved into our house to help with some electrical stuff we needed to fix - and we were going to pay her back, but she told us to keep it for the wedding...(took some convincing to let DH be OK with it...) - but honestly it's probably been since before DH and I even moved in together (4 monhts into the relationship which was a just under 3 years ago) that she even wanted to give me $$ like this.
I just don't want to feel guilty over taking it - and I think what annoys me more than anything is him not wanting ANYTHING to do WITH the finances yet if he were to know that my mom gave me some $$ he gets upset over that...
Also, have you ever seen any of the finance posts from Ms. Cheese? She posted about how she was the family CFO, and how she was able to get her now-husband involved in the big-picture discussions about their joint finances. Might be worth taking a look! Your partner needs to help you build the budget according to what's important to both of you.
I'd tell him if he wants to tell you where you can and cannot get the money to pay the bills, he needs to be your partner in the household finances.
also - realllly quick note - we HAD the emergency fund - but it got spent about 2 weeks ago when HIS hospital bill came in from his surgery...we just haven't had time to re-up the savings account. so we DO usually have that emergancy fund.
I agree with jhphi--maybe you could let your mom know of a few things that you guys need and she could get those items for you instead of giving you money. I know my FI would be more comfortable if my parents bought us something then if they just gave us cash. I also agree with KMSull too--especially in this economy, an emergency fund is a necessity!
@jhphi - do you have links to those threads?
I can def understand your frustration. I agree with Jacqi, if he complains about where the money comes from, than he needs to be involved in the finances. He should at least have an idea of what different bills cost so that he knows what the weekly/monthly budget is.
JuneBride, maybe your fiance is so bothered by your mothers inolvement in your finances that he'd rather just have nothing to do with it because it makes him so upset? Because, honestly...that's how I would feel if roles were reveresed and FI was accepting $ and telling his mother about our financial affairs. I'd be more upset about her knowing the details of our finances then him taking the $ from her. If she wants to give a gift...fine...but to know how much money is in your accounts and which bill didn't get paid, etc. would be TOTALLY crossing the line in my eyes. Some people are just more private about stuff like this...I am one of them. Perhaps you FI is too and that's where his lack of involvement is stemming? Just a thought...
2010bride2bee - no, that's not it...i understand what you're saying - but even before he ever knew my mother was generous to me with her money he'd ALWAYS told me he doesn't want anything to do with the finances in our relationship. It's not like she and I sit every day and I tell her how much $$ I've spent from our checking on every bill that goes out...because believe me, it's not like that at all.
but even when I TRY to involve him - he shuts down and says he doesn't want to hear it. I've even tried to explain to him that OUR finances are our business and I'd like his input and he doesn't want to deal with it - cuz I'M the one in charge of our money...
Your SO doesn't like it so I think you need to respect that cautiously...if he's not okay with you being open with your finances (both of yours...) that's a big thing to consider.
I still get money from my parents in the form of very lavish gifts. My parents are very comfortable...it won't be a surprise if they spend 5K in "Christmas gifts" for us. Because they know we can't afford certain things and it's kind of a 'no skin off their back' thing. They don't have to do this...they just do. It's what they do. It's how my family is. And I definitely don't go justifying it to people--it is what it is. So i totally understand you when you say that.
I do feel weird just accepting money from them...i always make a point to borrow when I need it. Granted, this was my first year of working in the real world on my own and that first year is tight! I feel like saying I can't make it without their money, so it's ME who's not okay with it, not them.
But i know, in a heartbeat, if I needed $500 from my mom for my cat's bills (been thee done that), she'd offer it up no problem. She knows I wouldn't take it unless I really, truly needed it. And she wants me to be able to go to her when I am in trouble. But, I'd have to sit down DH and be like, "look...." and if he still said "no, I'm NOT okay with it", I'd have to respect that and say no to my mom's offer. Knowing my mom, she'd still wire me the money though. It WOULD be an issue.
But, i am 23....and I don't want to be mean by saying this, but you guys are old enough to not be accepting money from your parents. I think KMSull's Emergency Fund idea is a good one. So that if you DO need money from them, it's really the direst of emergencies. I'm a little surprised that you are struggling with a $300 bill....you should have more in savings, just in case something bigger happens, like your car breaks down. Maybew you and your husband should sit down and work out a better budget. And don't let him waive you off! He NEEDS to be informed even if you have to strap him to a kitchen chair.
Long story short, it's always different when it's YOUR parents, not your in-laws. Like I said, I come from a family like yours--they're different with money. But I would not feel okay with DH's mom offering us money...yet I would be more ok accepting it from my parents. It's weird. I know it rubs my husband the wrong way a little bit when my parents are like, 'hey we'll buy you a big screen tv for Christmas and an elliptical, too' (that's like $6,000 in gifts right there! He's like "why would they spend so much?!?! it's not necessary!) but I am like you--if they want to buy us a TV, that is their perogative. I think it's because he feels like it's charity or that they're rubbing it in his face a little that we dont' have money and that they do--we're still dependent on them if we take their money and part of being an adult and not living with your parents anymore is being financially independent from them. How will you ever learn to be independent if you don't start somewhere? It's a really touchy dynamic to be on the "other" side of the fence when it's not your parents.
I don't think you should lump together the two issues of him not being involved in the finances and him not liking you to accept money from your mother. Yes, it's not ideal for him to not be involved in the finances, but that doesn't mean he should lose his say in whether or not you two should be financially independent. I am sure there is a pride thing going on as far as that is concerned. I don't know a lot of men that like the idea of taking money from others to support themselves and their family.
Okay, if that's the case, I don't have any good advice for you. I was hoping that maybe he just felt like me and it woudl be an easy fix to just not share so much information with Mom. Bummer. Here's a question...how are his parents with money? Did he grow up in a wealthy family where he didn't have to worry about finances, or on the flip side, maybe in a family that struggled and the idea of thinking of money scares/worries him? There must be a reason he's so against having any involvement whatsoever...
Here are a couple of her posts about it:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/04/16/why-i-get-the-corner-office/
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/04/17/and-hes-the-ceo/
I just thought her take was interesting, how she was able to get support and validation from her husband for the work she did in maintaining their finances. She posts a lot about money management in her private blog as well (I'll look up the address and send to you).
It's really tricky navigating finances with some men. There is a lot of societal pressure on guys to be "THE PROVIDER"-- and he may feel threatened by your mother's involvement, or feel like he's not fulfilling his "duties" if there isn't enough money coming in. Of course, this is only an issue with some men these days, but it's worth taking a lighter step.
Okay the thread caught up with my post (i didn't refresh and when i opened it, there were only 3 posts)
I think these ARE two separate issues.
1) Accepting money from parents.
2) Your SO not wanting involvement in the finances.
Hmmmm....I feel like I'm on the other side from people. It's important to be independent but it sounds like you guys are fairly independent. I think you need to have him focus just for a bit on finances and say 'while I'm willing to take charge I do need your input now and then and need to understand your concerns'. This might include cutting out the cable (more because I was tired of fighting with comcast over their random charges and fee increases all the time), we decided to go without it and just have internet and honestly the expensive cable bill has not been missed. He needs to express more than 'I don't want your mom involved' as to what he wants. Does he not want any gifts or for her to not know every detail.
If he doesn't want her to know details that's not particularly fair to you. You're learning how to manage finances, and it sounds like with not much help from him, and sound advice from your mom who's done it for years would be extremely helpful.
I donno, I don't think it's bad to accept gifts from your parents if you're independent from them and I don't think it's bad to continue to seek their advice. But of course there are boundaries that you guys need to establish.
@2010Bride
that is definitely an issue with him...the fact that he's NEVER been given money from his own parents - and yet, again - my family is very generous with theirs...
@jhphi
thanks for the links! I will def. check them out!
Is there a pride issue at play? One of the more important things I've learned has been that the husband is supposed to trump parents. It's part of being in an equal relationship. I used to talk to my mom about everything, including my FI. He really, really didn't like it, as it breached his view of what should be contained withing our relationship only. So he just shut off. He didn't share things with me as much. So I had to cut the 100% open communication with my mom. Which is hard, since we are so gabby, but it gives my FI peace of mind and value to our relationship. I'm marrying one man, not him and my mother. :P Could it be that he sees your sharing with your mom as undermining your relationship? Sorry if I'm totally off!
Hmm, this is a toughie!
I think you guys just need to sit down and have a little chat about this. You both need to be on the same page about finances before ot gets out of hand and becomes a bigger issue. If your husband pulls the "hand's off" thing again, then you have to tell them that you'll continue to organize your money as you see fit, and that included borrowing from mom. I get the feeling he'll sit down and chat with you.
I also understand both sides, but I do have to say that I don't agree with borrowing money from parents once you're married. That kind of seals the deal as far as being independent. My husband's parents are also very open with money, and always offer us some if they know we're in a tight spot, but we don't take it because we truly believe that we should be able to weather any storm because it just makes us that much stronger. People get by without borrowing money all the time, and we don't want to be an exception, I guess. So that's where I'm coming from. I just think it's good practice to not be at all dependent on anyone but each other when it comes to being married and money.
But I know everyone works differently, so that's a decision you guys need to make together.
Eek sounds like a tricky situation....personally, I always feel awkward asking my parents for money even if I really need it. I think a lot of it is that I come from a big family and I still have two younger brothers at home who still need the support of my parents. I have always had to do things fairly independently and it has been a struggle, especially during school when I needed to work 60 hours a week on top of a full course load so I could pay the bills. I know that right now we don't always make the best financial choices and when I am strapped for cash I would feel guilty asking Mom and Dad for money. I think of it as, "well we got ourselves into this mess so we need to tough it out and live on the cheap for a couple weeks."
You're starting marriage with someone you have to share your financial situation with (even if he doens't want to be intimately involved), and I think that you should consider stopping accepting money just given as such (not a gift or anything) if that's what you fiance's preference is.
When you guys are married you start your own family and I think it can be damaging to your marriage if you're still relying on your mom to be there for you financially.
This isssue may also have deeper roots as your fiance sees how much you confide in your mom about your finances instead of being independent and deal with it together (it may be contributing to why he seems to not care about the finances now, because he thinks all you need is your mom.)
My two cents is that it's best to avoid talking to your mom about finances for a while and find a way to make things work with no help. I think it will do you both good in the long run!
Make a budget together for your daily items, set aside money for small and large emergencies and plan for events like Christmas shopping, etc. It can be a really growing experience for you both. And maybe visit a financial planner together so it gets done in a neutral environment where you can both work together reasonably.
Either way, your fiance should be priority...so I hope you can work it out with him, whatever you decide!
I just want to say I really appreciate everyone's replies here and will take all into consideration. I totally know this is something he and I must work out (more the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with our finances...) and again - It's been an extremely long time since my mother has given me any money like this (which, btw, I haven't actually asked for/taken yet) - and as far as the emergency fund - we HAD it up until we had to use it a few weeks ago - and we just haven't had the time to put money back in. Normally we can afford all of our bills and have that emergency fund - but again we just had to use it 2 weeks ago... :(
I am almost at the point though - if he doesn't want any part of the responsibility of our finances, then he shouldn't be upset with how I manage them...course maybe just telling him that will get him to be more involved...
I will accept money from my parents if I am in a pickle. Not often, but if they offer and I am desperate I will accept it.
We had the same problem of an unexpected $500 vet bill a few months ago and my mom sent me a check without me asking for money at all. She likes to help her kids and she has some extra cash sometimes, so why not?
I am 23 and finishing up professional school and I have a ton of student debt. I took out all of my school loans in my name - I did not need a co-signer because at 18 I took a financial class and I learned that establishing GOOD credit would prevent me from having to ask them to co-sign.
My parents have always had an understanding with all of their kids that they will make sure we get a bachelors degree, a new car for graduation from college, and they will contribute to a wedding. However, if you drop out of school or get married all funding stops immediately. I think that my parents are beyond generous. They definitely go way above and beyond what their parents did and even what most of my friends parents do. I think that they have given me everything to be successful and if I am broke then it is my own fault and I should be the one to live with it.
I do not discuss my finances with my parents or his. His grandmother once got really mad when I would not tell her how much my tuition is per semester.
FI's situation is different. His grandparents have been incredibly generous and have put him thru undergrad and grad school. He will come into marriage with no debt and significant savings and a house that is paid for.
But we have agreed that once we are married that we will no longer accept financial support from either of our families because we are old enough and well educated enough that there should be no need for it. And if a need arises then it will be on our shoulders as to how we will handle that financial burden.
But that is just how we roll and every relationship is different.
I would talk to your SO and make sure that you guys are on the same page about spending and saving and where your money comes from.
We have had to ask both our parents for money in the past and since we have been married. I hate doing it but they graciously give us money with no timeline to pay them back (or say not to pay them back at all). I think both of us feel bad about it but if they are offering us money to help us out, we are not going to say no. I had to ask my parents for money very shortly after the wedding to cover a bill until I got my paycheck. They gave us a few hundred extra and were very happy to do so, because my mom remembered always having her parents have to give her and my dad money once they got married because they were always low on money too.
I don't see anything wrong with accepting money from your parents. Becoming dependent on it, expecting it, or asking for it--- no. But if you could use it and your family can afford it, why not?
It seems like your SO wants it a little bit both ways, and that doesn't seem fair to you. If he wants to control where all of the money's coming from, he needs to take some responsibility for how the finances are managed.
While I think there are two seperate issues here, they are also very entwined. Money stresses me out. Period. Even when I have enough of it. I handle most of our (very limited, we're both still full time students and our combined account pays rent and groceries only) budget. He is aware of how much we have and what bills need to be payed. But he really doesn't want to discuss it every time I get worried. So I call my mom. 90% of the time, she doesn't offer us money. She just offers me support and advice. The truth is that I don't believe we can rely on our SO to fill all of the roles in our life. If he doesn't want to provide that support you deserve to have find it elsewhere. If he is wiling to take on that role, he deserves a chance.
As far as taking money from your mom, it sounds like it has been awhile. In an ideal world, we would all have money saved up. But you live and learn, once you start saving again I'm sure your cushion will be a bit bigger. You were burned by the health care system, and hopefully learned your lesson. I don't think you should hide it from him, but I think a little conversation is in order. Show him how you are going to alter your budget in order to get extra money saved quickly. That way he knows that you are learning from your mistake and taking action to prevent it from happening again.
In my experience,there are several ways couples handle their finances. Some men want to be totally in control of everything, some are more than happy to have someone else be responsible (the wife,GF,FI,SO,parents), but in my world very few couples split it 50/50. Every day or fixed/monthly expenses are normally handled by the one best equipped to do them in a timely fashion, while large purchases (furniture,appliances,vehicles) are decisions that should be made jointly. Half of the couple should really NEVER be completely in the dark as to how the money is spent. If something happens to one of them,then what?
Your husband sounds just like mine when we got married...very happy to not have to 'worry' that bills were being paid. Initially I liked it,but as years went by it became a source of annoyance. The excuse I got when I tried to have him take over was 'But you're so much better at it then me'! I sort of then went on strike, forcing him into it. I think my plan backfired, as he made mistakes,'forgot' to pay bills I reminded him about EVERY DAY, and I ended up right where I started. AHHHH.... I would encourage you to figure out whar works best for you, but not one where one of you gets a free ride and the other one stresses.
Money & children. I'm generous with mine as well,but they have never asked us to borrow money for any reason since they've been out of school and working. I've handed over cash on the sly if I've felt they needed it, and it's a fault I have, but a good one! lol I also buy them things randomly if I'm shopping, but I don't think that will ever change. The Moms of their men aren't the same way so while they aren't used to it, neither seem to have a problem with it. If they did,I might stop,rather than cause problems in their relationships.
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Ok. So here's the situation - and I'm just wondering if you guys have the same situation or not...
My parents and I have always been extremely close. My mother (who is the one in charge of finances between her and my dad) has always been extremely generous to me and my brother any time we've ever needed money...and in fact while mr. junebride and I have had a joint account now for a little over a year - I kept open my old account as it is connected with my mom's in case she needs to transfer me money any time. (she also does this for my brother who's older, also married and has a child.)
my mom and I are both ok with this - it's just how it's always been and I don't feel guilty over asking her for a few bucks now and then...now - that being said, I have NOT asked her for $$ in a very long time. Mr. Junebride HATES that I discuss our finances with my mom (even though this is something she and I have always been open about, in fact growing up she and I were always open about her and my dad's finances...
I can and do understand my husband's problem with it - just from the point of view that, yes - we are adults now and MOST adults don't get money from mommy and daddy...HOWEVER that being said - with my mom and I - it's just something that's never been an issue - AND whenever she's needed it, I've given her some (so it's a give/take situation)...
Yesterday we had to take our pug to the vet and spent over $300 on the bill - which means ALL of our black friday money PLUS our cable bill $$ got spent yesterday...so of course my first instinct is to call my mom and "complain" about first off what was wrong WITH our fur-baby (going blind in one eye
and also has fleas like crazy 
. And I honestly did NOT call her with the intent to ask her for $$ and I did NOT ASK her for any $$$ - she just automatically said, "well, how much do you need?" I told her I didn't know yet and would be greatful for her to give us some, but I would try to figure it out first before asking...thing is - SHE'S the one who WANTS to give me/us $$ to cover the bill - and yet mr.junebride is NOT ok with it. I (obviously) am.
So my question is - do you guys still get $$ now and then from your parents? Is this an issue with your husband or FI?
also - just a side note - my husband has NO clue about our finances as I'm the one in charge of all the accounts, paying ALL the bills and the budget. He even tells me, half the time when I TRY to include him in on $$ information that he doesn't care to know and doesn't want to stress over our money or bills. He's oblivious most of the time and likes it that way. And I'm NOT the kind to just take the $$ and not tell him because I don't like secrets and I'm not one to keep/hide anything from him.Seriously, though, when we first started dating he used to tell me all the time "If we ever get married, YOU'LL be the one in charge of everything, financially, as I hate worrying about that stuff." I even have all of his usernames and passwords for his online bills to pay things - he hasn't paid a bill in over a year!
I don't know - I don't want this to be an issue with him and I but this is just something my mom and I have ALWAYS done for each other...
What are your thoughts? Do any of you have this same kind of situation?
I understand that MOST people do NOT discuss their finances with their parents - but again, this is just something my mom and I have ALWAYS been open about with each other. (and believe me, I've gotten MUCH better about a lot of the information I talk to her about, now that I am married...)