(Closed) Money from your parents…

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We are both almost thirty and we don’t ask for or receive money from our parents.  I think I would feel weird about it.  Anywho…I understand your FI’s point of view and you seem to understand it too.  I feel like since you are in charge of the finances, it wouldn’t really be right to keep accepting money from your mother since your FI obviously isn’t keen on the idea.  It sounds like you would be hiding it from him.

Post # 4
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sorry…I mean your husband, not your FI 😛

Post # 5
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m 23 and I still get money from my parents. But. I also graduated in one of the worst economies in US history, so I couldn’t find a job that pays enough to support me and still can’t find one. That being said, I don’t think it would be right to accept money from your mom and not tell your FI, but I think you know that.

Really, I think you just need to say “tough luck” about the Black Friday spending money and maybe even cut the cable til you can really afford it, since it sounds like you’re pretty much stretched at your limit without an emergency fund for something like a vet bill. Pets are EXPENSIVE and while I’d love to have one, I’d feel amazingly guilty about asking my mom for money to cover a vet bill that I wasn’t prepared for.

My parents have made very, very clear that once I get married, the apron strings are cut and I am completely on my own. You might need to cut down on some spending/ unnecessary things like cable until you can get an emergency fund set up (6-8 months of living expenses), but you’ll feel SO much better about your situation and you FI won’t feel like you’re running to Mom instead of solving the problem together.

Post # 7
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ha, that makes it even easier! Tell him that since he doesn’t want to know about the finances, this is what happened and he’ll just have to deal. I still stand by everything else I said about an emergency fund, though.

Post # 8
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with pps about the need to be completely independent from your parents, espcially since your FI doesn’t like it. However, it would really annoy me if my FI were like, “I want nothing to do with the finances–you need to handle them!” I think it’s important that both parties be involved in financial decisions-and I say this as someone who is pretty clueless when it comes to finances, has a FI who WORKS in finance, but I am trying to be more involved, which is is supportive of. It seems like maybe your parents are providing the financial support (not just in actual dollars, but maybe in advice and a listening ear) that your FI is not providing.

 

Post # 9
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@KMSull- good point 🙂

@junebride- I can see both points of view, honestly. My parents helped me out financially all through school when I needed it and its been less than 2 years since that time. Since I graduated the only time I asked for/received money was because I wanted to buy a mattress for $1000 and I didn’t qualify for the 0% interest for 6 mo because I was “unemployed.” Now, this was about 2 weeks before I was starting my new job and I knew that I would have the money to pay off the mattress within 3 months so I just really didn’t want to put it on a credit card and pay interest. So, I asked my mom for a loan and then I paid her back in 3 monthly installments. 

That being said, I too am VERY open with my parents about my finances. Not because I need their approval but because it would be kind of a 180 to suddenly be secretive and I don’t see the point. I stand behind my choices and I don’t mind discussing them. Plus, I will take free advice where I can get it and having another opinion to consider isn’t a bad thing. They don’t abuse the system and it sounds like your mom doesn’t either. That being said.. I can see why your DH isn’t comfortable taking money from your parents and I think that if he really digs in his heels about it, it is probably not worth the fight. 

Post # 10
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

I agree KMSull– if a small $300 vet bill is enough to make you not be able to cover bills for the month, you need to look at ways to reduce your monthly spending.  Maybe things like cable and black friday shopping just aren’t within your means right now.  I think it’s great that your mother is so generous with you.  However, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, I would stop taking money from your parents for bills. 

If your mother wants to continue to give you extra money during the year, could she do things like give you guys household gifts for Christmas and birthdays and things?  So instead of slipping you $300 here and $300 there, she could buy you that new dining room table you’ve been saving for, or something like that?  That might make your partner less uncomfortable.

Post # 11
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

$ issues are still one of the top reasons why people get divorced, so I think this situation warrants a sit down with FI where you two can be upfront with one another and both willing to change the way things are currently being handled. I think he should be involved in your financial status and should not be telling you that he doesn’t want to hear it when you try to clue him in…that’s not nice to you and it’s not a good thing for your financial future. However, I totally agree that it’s probably time for you to stop accepting money from your mom for things like the cable bill, etc. and most certainly stop sharing the details of your financial situation with your parents.

If my FI was discussing our finances with his friends/family/parents I’d be livid. In my eyes, that’s a private matter and unless we were in a REALLY dire situation (i.e. medical problems that caused a hardship, or some other severe situation) – I would never share our financial status with anyone). 

I notice that you keep referencing that things have always been that way with you and mom, etc. but the thing is…you are building a new life now…with FI, not with mom and somethings will have to change…it’s all about compromise in a relationship. I think you should respect his stance on not wanting your family to know his finances and perhaps he’ll even come around a bit more and be more willing to listen to you about them when he knows it’s just the two of you on the team.

I hope your dog is okay. I agree with the PP about putting away a nest egg of sorts. Pets are expensive. I have a housefull and in less than 12 months we spent over $6,500 on them! Wouldn’t change a thing though, love them all to bits.

Post # 12
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I pretty much agree with everyone else.  I wouldn’t accept the money, because, and I hate to say this, at some point that money may not be available to you, so it’s best to not be even a little dependent on it.  Now that you are married, it should be you and your husband providing for yourselves, and if you need to go without a non-essential service for a while, then so be it.  We didn’t have cable or internet at my old apartment because we couldn’t afford the only company my apartment complex allowed.  We were ok with that, because we saved $130 a month on it. 

I also am open with my parents about my finances, because like Corgi said, never hurts to have free advice, but I don’t accept money from them (accept the money they are putting towards the wedding).  If my FH and I can’t afford something, we save up for it.  I feel you on the vet bills though, our kitten went to the vet last night and had a $100 bill, but it will probably be more in the very near future. 

I also def agree with KM on having an emergency fund of 6-8 months.  That is pretty vital in this economy if, heaven forbid, one of you loses your job.

Post # 14
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

Also, have you ever seen any of the finance posts from Ms. Cheese?  She posted about how she was the family CFO, and how she was able to get her now-husband involved in the big-picture discussions about their joint finances.  Might be worth taking a look!  Your partner needs to help you build the budget according to what’s important to both of you.

Post # 15
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I’d tell him if he wants to tell you where you can and cannot get the money to pay the bills, he needs to be your partner in the household finances.

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