Weddingbee boards

DH and I do not make equal salaries.  He is on commission, so his checks vary.  He sometimes makes close to what I make, but lately (the last 3 months or so) has been pulling in 50% of what I make.

He also has a little bit of cash coming in on the side - it's not a huge amount - maybe about a  hundred a month (if that).  I learned of it, because he dropped about 1K on a Christmas present for me.  Now, he wants to use that money towards a road bicycle he's been wanting that's about 2-3K.

I handle the finances and we are trying to save towards a house.  We are on track with our savings plan, but it also leaves me feeling like there is never any money to do things.

Yesterday was pay day and his check sucked again.  He works very hard/long hours, and is looking for another job.  But, for whatever reason, I woke up in the middle of the night, focused on the side cash and was PISSED.  Here I am, contributing 100% of my salary to 'us' when he has play money.

It's not a huge amount of money, so I'm not sure why I'm focused on it and am trying to figure out what the 'real' issue is.... I can't figure out if it's that I feel like he's holding out on us (meaning, selfishly keeping money for himself) or if I'm upset that he has money he feels he can freely spend??  or maybe I'm in this rut of feeling like we are never going to be able to buy the house we want because we can't afford it.... or maybe I'm frustrated that his paychecks are sucking yet he's working his tail off..... or maybe it's a combination of all of the above.

I don't know... but, I need to talk to him about it tonight and I'd like to sort it out in my head before I do... any input to help figure it out is appreciated.

Thanks for all your input so far - it's super helpful.

I wanted to add that it's not like I'm sitting on my duff not spending anything.  My big personal splurge is $150 a month on personal training.  I've been doing that for almost 2 years and it's been a big personal splurge.  But, I'm also feeling like anything else I buy (like new clothes or shoes (which I need!)) are out of the question - or, just that - a splurge.  I'm not the type that loves to shop - so, knowing that I'm trying to be conservative on finances doesn't make shopping enjoyable for me....  

@KatNYC2011:  I do think him making less and not having control of the finances is part of why he likes having his own money he can do whatever with.  We played around with having money that went towards joint expenses and then money of our own to do whatever with... but it was way too complicated to figure out for me - and it made sense to just throw everything into one big pot.  His biggest complaint (which I understand) is not knowing how much money is available at any given time.  I DEFINITELY do not want him asking me for my permission to buy stuff - to  me, it's just common sense. ;)  If you need it, buy it - if it's a crazy splurge you don't really need - don't!  But, I know he doesn't necessarily think that way.... 

...and, to answer your question about if there is something I've been wanting to buy, etc - the thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is hosting dinner parties or just entertaining in general.  It's really difficult to do in the small space we live in - and it's an extra expense.  I feel like my social life is on hold until we move.  Which, I know is not necessarily the case - but entertaining is a big part of that for me.

@rebwana:  we thought long and hard about how we'd split up the money... and ended up deciding combining all of it made the most sense.  It was too hard to manage all the bills, etc and because income fluctuated, having one big pot has worked out well (for the most part).  And, you are definitely right - if I had a 2nd job, 100% would go towards the house fund!  (I've even talked about doing that!).

@jjmomma:  as I was tossing and turning last night, the only thing that kind of made sense to me is that we split the 'fun' money.  But, I'm not sure that's exactly the right thing either.  I think I'd rather he just add that to the bank account and then spend as he needs... but for whatever reason, he's reluctant to do that (mostly because he says he doesn't know what the balance is - but, I don't understand why he just can't look it up??!!) 

@KatNYC2011:  I think he would be willing to go over them with me.  We talk about where money is going (ie: how much we are spending on household stuff, groceries, etc.) How we can curb expenses, so there's more left in savings.  Neither of us have been good savers but over the last couple years we saved for the wedding and paid off his credit card debt.  If feels great to be debt free, and now we are working on building for a downpayment.

I guess what my biggest challenge is how to make him see that he should be contributing that money to 'us'.  He views it as:  I'm giving you my entire paycheck.  He's even used those words.  I always respond:  yes - and I pay our bills with it! ;)  

I think he feels like he's earning and never spending anything.... not realizing rent, utiltiles, etc all have to come from somewhere!  Maybe going over where the money does go will help....  any other ideas to help him see the big picture??

I just think the situation with his job is the major issue.  I dont think it's fair that you're upset that he has a 100 or so play money coming in on the side and wants to save it to buy a bike.  You said yourself that you splurge 150 on personal training... that is completely not necessary either and could be viewed as contributing to the house money even though you've been doing it for so long.  If you've decided to splurge on that, and dont have additional play money to buy new clothes or what not, that was your budgeting choice right? 

I dont think it should matter who makes what.   But I dont think its fair that just because he makes less and you control the household finances, that he should get to squirrel away some of what he makes on the side for free spending.  I think both of your free spending cash should be agreed on based on all the income.  None of this side money free spending busniess.

I don't think my issue is that he wants to save for a ridiculously expensive road bike.  I think my issue is that he feels like that money is his to do whatever he wants.  

@pinkshoes:  I think you are on to something.  It really shouldn't be about who makes what - but what I don't understand is his justification for the side pot.  I know he wants to feel like he has money to spend without worrying about it affecting our joint finances - but that's where I get lost and don't know how to resolve the issue or we get stuck in our conversation about it.

@Miss Longcoat:  I think you are right and we need to reassess how we allot fun money.  What I thought we'd do is pay our bills, deposit into savings, and whatever else is left is ours to spend freely.  

I will also say that we've both had a difficult time figure out what are joint expenses and what are individual expenses and what money should pay for what.  That's why having one big pot made sense to me - but, I'm sure there is a disparity between who spends what.  I don't want to be splitting hairs every month making sure everything is divided equally... I just want some sort of understanding that all of our earnings (whatever the source) be a joint source vs. a his/mind (oooh, that may just be the point I need to make tonight!).

@oracle:  It may be a little harder to budget since he's on commisson, but simply calcuate your monthly house hold expenses - rent/mortgage/taxes/water/elect/car/gar/food/etc.  Decide at minimum what amount you want to save for house and emergency fund.  Now what do you left over?  If it seems like a LOT, shift more into savings.  If it doesnt seem like enough, take a second look if your savings goal is reasonable.  When it seems nicely adjusted hand over that amount in cash to your husband... that's what he gets to spend for the month, no exceptions until you two decide its time to sit down and rebudget.

You could go the other way too, after household expenses, what do you think is a resonable amount of spending money, and then put the rest into savings.   I think the key is to determine fair and proper spending limits for the two of you.  Yes, you also, so he doesnt feel like the only one on a spending budget.  And any extra he makes over agreed spending money goes to SAVINGS, not to his spending account! 

UPDATE:  a huge and sincere thank you for all your input.  I had the conversation with DH last night and it was as difficult as I thought it would be.  DH got VERY defensive and could NOT see my point that it was all 'ours'.  He felt like he was doing all he could to contribute and helping us by not taking money out of our joint funds (from our paychecks).  After approaching it from just about every angle (at one point presented that we just split everything up his/mine/ours) something hit home and he finally understood why it was upsetting to me (hours later! aye!).

The conversation brought up a bunch of feelings we both had in terms of finances and it was helpful to discuss those things (fears, hopes, etc).  

We STILL have to make a decision on how we are going to handle things and where we are going to put that money and how we are going to allocate discretionary/fun money.  I'd love to hear more from the hive on what method(s) you use to allocate fun money (ie: 5% of income, set dollar amount, etc.).  What works for you?