(Closed) Money issue crept up and pissed me off – need some perspective, please

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Honestly this isn’t okay. He can’t have “side money.” I would be really upset with this. For better for worse, richer, poorer all the money is OURS. I think a road bike is a great thing to buy once he’s met his savings goals for the year/month.

Post # 4
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yep, I think talking to him about it is def the first thing. It’s not fair or balanced for you to be the breadwinner, financial guru, and not have any “play money” while he does…

Post # 5
18645 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

For me, I don’t feel like it is fair for him to have side money to save for fun things when you don’t have any money to spend on whatever you want.  Is there any way you can both have a little fun with the extra money?

Post # 6
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I would be upset if you’re contributing all of your salary to bills/savings with no spending money for yourself, but he keeps his extra few hundred a month to do as he pleases!  Depending on your financial position, I would tell him that if he gets play money, then so do you, and you should keep a few hundred dollars for yourself as well.  If you need all the money for bills/savings and you want to save for a house, then tell him he needs to be putting that money into savings like you do. 

Post # 7
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

(((Hugs))) I don’t really have a lot of advice, but it sounds like a little bit of all that you have listed is coming in to play.

Has there been anything recently that you’ve wanted to buy that you couldn’t because of this? Or is it just all based around the house?

I think as long as you lay everything out calmly and without accusing, hopefully you can have a calm and rational discussion about finances and expectations.

Are there possibly things you are spending money on for you that he sees as luxury expenses but maybe you don’t?

Could it be also that he feels he needs to keep a little bit on the side to make up for the fact that he makes less and that you handle finances? Maybe it’s hard for him to feel he has to ask you for money/ask permission to spend if he wants something? 

This is all just brainstorming, hoping to help you work through some of this.

Post # 8
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Tell him the speed is in the motor, not the machine, when it comes to that $3K road bike. 😉

Post # 10
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I completely agree with the others. It is fine to have “play money”, but not when you both are trying to save for a house. If you make more / contribute more than him each month he should not have “play money”. That money should go towards your saving’s goal.

But here is some other advice: When talking to him I would be extremely delicate with him. I know from experience that it is very hard on a man when his SO is the breadwinner. My Fiance gets a little jealous some times that I make more than him. I believe money issues often take a shot to a man’s ego. So approach the topic clamly and make sure you are sensitive to his feelings.

Post # 11
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Hi-Sounds like you need to adjust how you’re contributing- I don’t think either of you should be contributing 100%- you both need some play money. 🙂 I don’t always agree with everything she says, but Suzy Orman has really good ideas in her books about how to divide expenses- just had my Fiance read 3 chapters of her book, before we sit down and have our “money talk.” Ex: If rent is $1,000, and someone makes $50K and the other $30K, you don’t both contribute $500 to rent- it’s a percentage of your income (so maybe more $600/$400.) This would be tricky since he’s commission (last year I had a base & commission job, and I know how unpredictable that can be), but you should be able to figure out what his average income is. 

I’m unemployed right now, so depending on when I get a job/when we finally live together (still have a roommate), he might be contributing $800 to my $200. Then once I get a job, it’ll shift. Since money can be such an issue in relationships, you’re right that you need to address it. It does sound like there’s more to it than the money- do you feel that you’re contributing more overall? Ex.- if you clean/grocery shop/etc. more than him, you might have some resentment over that??? Or if you’re putting everything in the pot, you’re probably upset that he does has play money- I get the feeling from your post that if you were working another side job, you’d probably want to put it towards the future house, vs. a bike, for ex, while he might view it as “I’m working extra so that I CAN have some fun money.” If you don’t have 3 accounts (his/hers, ours), maybe it’s worth considering??

Hope my rambling helped!

Post # 12
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

If in fact the side money is “free money”, meaning you don’t feel it needs to be added to the savings for the house instead of being played with… then I think it fair that it be free money for both of you.  Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bitter pill if the situation didn’t feel as if you’re being the serious, sacrificing one while he’s out frolicking and having fun.  Would he be willing to put it towards something you can both have fun with?  It sounds like you need a break.  He could contribute some percentage of it toward the bike, leaving the remainder for whatever it is that would help you not feel like everything is on your shoulders.  Stay focused on the long-term goal no matter what… you’re on your way, you’ll get there!

Post # 13
827 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, that’s not okay. That money should either be split between the two of you, or go into savings. I’m also the financial planner in my relationship, but fortunately, my man allows me to dictate his every financial move because he understands that I have our best interests in mind. Maybe you should sit down with him, show him the numbers, and explain what it will take to reach your goal of home ownership. Then after that, come to an agreement about how much money can go towards more frivolous things (and explain that the play money needs to either benefit both of you (like dinner and a movie), or it needs to be split evenly between you (he buys himself a DVD, you pick up some makeup, etc).

Post # 14
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@oracle:  That is hard. Would he be willing to work on finances with you? You can still be in charge of them but have him involved in your monthly budgeting, bills, etc so he can start to see what is left over and what you are spending as a couple? Maybe if he feels involved in all aspects of the finances, he might have more visibility and understanding of what he can and can’t spend. 

I know this isn’t at all the same, but currently I’m not working (trying to find a job) and so all my expenses come out of DH’s income. I pretty much feel I have to ask permission for any purchases except for groceries and the occasional lunch out. I really wish I had some of “my own” money so I didn’t have to ask. Darling Husband tells me I don’t have to ask, but since he’s the one working hard to earn it, I feel like I have to. He keeps telling me the money is ours, not his, but it’s really hard for me to think that way since he’s doing all the work (if that makes sense).


Post # 16
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@oracle:  As for “not knowing what the balance is” I feel that way a bit too. I can look at Darling Husband and my joint account and see the balance, but iI don’t know what is earmarked for bills, rent, etc.  I know it’s silly, but I don’t feel comfortable just assuming what is in the account is “available” if that makes sense.

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