(Closed) Money issues making me insecure

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I hate to say this, but this sounds like a much bigger issue than anything related to the wedding. It doesn’t sound like it’s about whether he wants to marry you or not, but just that he is poor at money management.

If he is not saving now, even if he talks about it, what do you think will change after you are married? Would it bother you if you had other goals (house, vacation, etc.) and he didn’t contribute? These are meant to be food for thought, not critical, so I hope they come off that way!

Post # 4
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

*hugs*  I hear ya. My SO is financially responsible for the most part, but he does waste money on stuff I don’t think he really needs ($10 shirts from teefury almost every week, football pools, etc.) which aggravates me b/c he keeps talking about wanting to buy a house sometime soon. Then he just found out that his sister is doing a semester in Disney in the spring and since she can save us money on hotels and park fees, he immediately said he wants to go. So I told him “as long as that money doesn’t come out of my ring fund, that’s fine.” I’ve told him I don’t want any presents for our 6 yr anniversary in a few weeks b/c I just want him to save for the ring. (Keep in mind I don’t even want an expensive ring, but he has decided that he wants to spend between $1-2k and he refuses to spend less.)

It’s hard to get someone to change their financial habits at this point in life. Just keep reminding him that if he wants to plan a future together, he’s going to have to be better about saving and spending. Hopefully he gets his act together soon!

Post # 5
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My issues are slightly different, but still money related. SO still has a student debt and isn’t make as much money as he should be, and this is his reasoning behind not getting engaged yet (which I do understand, but I don’t like lol).

In your situation, I think you should figure something out financially with him before you move in. If you want to start a life with someone who is really not responsible with money, I can see it causing a lot of problems down the road. Even mention to him that he should have an automatic transfer of money into a savings account of $100/wk (or whatever you think is fair) and the rest he spends.

Either way, money can be really frustrating to have in the way of getting married 🙁

Post # 7
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@mrssoontobeh:  OMG I know what you mean.  Before we got married, DH’s mother handled his bills because he is so clueless about money.  Yesterday, he decided to go to the post office and mail a $13 package to BIL, and then he went a bought a VCR from the Goodwill for $15 so he could watch a movie from the library!  I was like, “That was our eating out money this weekend.”  I was sooo pissed off… DH just looks at the bank account and thinks, “Oh, we have money, I can go shopping.” Um, no.  I try to include him on budgeting, but he either is too clueless or doesn’t care enough about it.  Frustrating…

Post # 8
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This would be a HUGE issue for me, so I am going to answer this from my perspective. 

Saving money is not just about having a wedding. It’s about security. And (imho), it’s a reflection of not only priorities but about personality. A person who can put aside their “wants” and focus on “needs” (like paying off credit cards or saving for retirement) is more likely to be a dedicated and stable person in general. 

Yes, there is something to be said about living in the here and now. But, let’s be real here. Unless your partner is in line to make 100k+ a year or inherit a fortune, living in the now only lasts while you’re still working. What would happen if he lost his job, got in an accident, or retired. Even worse… what would happen if he passed away and left you with HIS debts? 

Post # 9
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ugh, sorry. My computer cut me off. 

My advice: Go to mint.com with him present. Set up some goals. And make it clear that this is a MAJOR issue for you. If he cant meet realistic savings goals in a reasonable amount of time (like, saving 1K in 5 months without help from his family), you have your answer. 

Post # 11
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@ohmybears48:  +1 Especially about mint.com. It’s a really great way to get someone who’s not a “saver” to see WHERE all of their money goes! The budgets function alone is a life saver, but they’ll also give you these pie charts that show you how much money you spend on silly stuff when you could be saving it for stuff you need.

That being said, it won’t be easy. It’s hard to see all those bills, expenses, and spending habits for the first time. Expect a meltdown or at least a knock to the ego. After that, it should be smooth sailing toward real budgeting!

Post # 12
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mrssoontobeh:  I love mint because it tracks my debt as well as my savings goals. It pulls in your info from every bank and loan site you may use. Maybe seeing his debt will put it in to perspective. 

Post # 15
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

@mrssoontobeh:  Honestly this is something you really need to figure out before planning to get married. Money is a huge issue that causes divorce, and you should both know each other’s credit scores and work together on savings goals, and managing your finances. It’s much more than saving for a ring or the wedding. You need to sit down with him and talk about how you will manage your finances for the rest of your lives, and he should not expect you to take care of everything for him. Plan a budget together. It may seem unromantic to do this for the ring, but it is very important to be on the same page.

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