Money Meltdown.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center

Hmm, I’m wondering if you have a set budget for your wedding expenses? If not,  do you think it would help him to not be so worried about you using the card? 

Post # 4
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Perhaps you should look into couples counselling – it’s a pretty big problem if he doesn’t even allow you to use his card for joint purchases. Sounds like he has trust issues and it is probably bigger than just his card.

Post # 5
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yeah….this sounds like he has trust and control issues. I’d resolve this before you get married. It’s one thing to have separate finances. It’s quite another to be paranoid and controlling like he is. Money is the #1 reason marriages fail. Keep that in mind as you try and resolve this – it has the potential to become a long term deal breaker.

Post # 6
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Also, I should have said – try and approach this with him from a loving place first (before you go to the “why don’t you trust me/what have I done wrong” place). Did his parents have an unstable relationship around money? Has he had any security issues in his life that involved a lack of money? Have the two of you been 100% open about what debts you both have/your spending patterns? We swapped credit reports prior to combining finances so that all cards were out on the table.

Post # 7
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

I think having access to his money for small day to day purchases and having access to his money for wedding planning is… not even comparable.

Then again, I’m in the crowd who sees no point to mingling finances before legally married, so I am sympathetic to his point of view.

Post # 8
Hostess
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

first – technically, it’s HIS card and you’re not actually allowed to use it according to banking policy (worked at a bank for 5+ years…it’s technically breaking agreements and if the card was stolen he wouldn’t be covered because you’ve been using it).

 

second – totally get where you’re coming from.  I think you need to agree on a budget.  Perhaps he’s looking at his balance and he’s seeing all the ‘little wedding things’ adding up.  Is her really concerned that you’re doing things without his input or consent?  He may just be looking at the wedding and thinking things are getting out of hand.  Until you actually START your job it sounds like he’s the sole breadwinner and therefore under some pressure to cover the bills – maybe the stress is getting to him as well.  I know it’s frustrating but try not to let it get to you, you need to have a conversation.

 

How much is the Double Decker bus?  That sounds like a pretty extravagant purchase to be asking to put on his card??

Post # 9
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m going to take the opposite position and say that you should not be expecting your FI to give you access to his credit card password.  Even after you are married, many financial advisors suggest that women maintain credit in their own name, just in case you need it later in life.

He needs to be responsible for his credit and you for yours.

If it’s something for the wedding, email him the link and ask him to order it.

Post # 10
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that if he chose to give you his card and the expenses are ones you’ve agreed upon, it’s frickin weird that he doesn’t trust you to use it correctly.  He sounds controlling or insecure… :-/  I’d definitely talk to him about it, and about what you plan on doing with your finances once you get married.

Post # 11
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with PPs that it’s a good thing to get worked out now. When DH and I got married we were both on equal footing– completely broke college students– so we combined finances easily. Now, three years in, we are sitting well financially and I have his credit card number memorized 😉 As much as it creeped him out at first he now loves not having to grab his wallet when he wants to buy something online and it’s gotten us out of binds before when money has been forgotten, etc.

I’m not advocating secretely memorizing your FI’s card number! Just agreeing that open communication is really healthy. Good luck 🙂

Post # 14
Hostess
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@FutureMrsHosmer:  I have to ask then – why don’t you have/get your own credit card?  A $15 model makes much more sense – I was thinking you actually wanted to rent a full size double decker bus!

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s a lot for men to adjust to at first. Even after having a joint account for two years, we’re still learning about each others’ habits. My FI is an accountant, and analyzes EVERY purchase. He’s like, “how did you spend $150 at the grocery store?” – then I remind him I bought food for the week and he wanted steak that night. Once you combine finances, not to gender stereotype but the woman usually does most of the shopping…so it makes sense your bill would be bigger than his.

Give it time, he will see that it’s nothing out of the norm. Just takes awhile to adjust to “his” expenses doubling (but at the same time, if you are working he should see your checks going into the acct. as well; hopefully that makes him feel better).

 

Post # 16
Member
2884 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@BeeandBeeBride27:  oh my DH used to do that in regards to groceries. i sat him down and showed him the receipts and pointed out i hadnt bought anything extravagant, and he never spends that much alone as he lives off cereal if im not there (so he doesnt have to cook). he backed off after i showed him where the money went thank god, as it drove me mad

maybe OP could do what pp said, and send him the link so he can order it?

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors