Post # 1
I’m just at my wits end with my FI and his ‘insecurities’ about me having the card number. When we were living together he had no problem with me actually having the card, or the number when he’d leave for work so I could order myself some dinner. But the fact that I am away from him now, he isn’t comfortable. The only time I ever use his card number is when I have to buy something for the reception OR have to pay my phone bill.
He doesn’t want to have a shared bank account and he doesn’t like to send me money through banks, or by money gram/ western union. I’m waiting to start a job this monday, and it goes by the two week payment, and I found a perfect thing for the reception, so I asked and of course I get the same answer everytime.
I’m at the point where I want to rip my hair out, and cry because it adds additional stress onto this arleady hectic wedding planning that I am doing myself. Jesus christ I just wanted to buy a double decker bus!
I know in a little while, I’m going to feel like a complete jerk and I’m going to apologize like I always do. I just needed somewhere to vent at the constant stress that is happening.
Do this happen to anyone else where the SO doesn’t want to share a bank account or gets nervous and uncomfortable?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center
Hmm, I’m wondering if you have a set budget for your wedding expenses? If not, do you think it would help him to not be so worried about you using the card?
Post # 4
Perhaps you should look into couples counselling – it’s a pretty big problem if he doesn’t even allow you to use his card for joint purchases. Sounds like he has trust issues and it is probably bigger than just his card.
Post # 5
Yeah….this sounds like he has trust and control issues. I’d resolve this before you get married. It’s one thing to have separate finances. It’s quite another to be paranoid and controlling like he is. Money is the #1 reason marriages fail. Keep that in mind as you try and resolve this – it has the potential to become a long term deal breaker.
Post # 6
Also, I should have said – try and approach this with him from a loving place first (before you go to the “why don’t you trust me/what have I done wrong” place). Did his parents have an unstable relationship around money? Has he had any security issues in his life that involved a lack of money? Have the two of you been 100% open about what debts you both have/your spending patterns? We swapped credit reports prior to combining finances so that all cards were out on the table.
Post # 7
I think having access to his money for small day to day purchases and having access to his money for wedding planning is… not even comparable.
Then again, I’m in the crowd who sees no point to mingling finances before legally married, so I am sympathetic to his point of view.
Post # 8
first – technically, it’s HIS card and you’re not actually allowed to use it according to banking policy (worked at a bank for 5+ years…it’s technically breaking agreements and if the card was stolen he wouldn’t be covered because you’ve been using it).
second – totally get where you’re coming from. I think you need to agree on a budget. Perhaps he’s looking at his balance and he’s seeing all the ‘little wedding things’ adding up. Is her really concerned that you’re doing things without his input or consent? He may just be looking at the wedding and thinking things are getting out of hand. Until you actually START your job it sounds like he’s the sole breadwinner and therefore under some pressure to cover the bills – maybe the stress is getting to him as well. I know it’s frustrating but try not to let it get to you, you need to have a conversation.
How much is the Double Decker bus? That sounds like a pretty extravagant purchase to be asking to put on his card??
Post # 9
I’m going to take the opposite position and say that you should not be expecting your FI to give you access to his credit card password. Even after you are married, many financial advisors suggest that women maintain credit in their own name, just in case you need it later in life.
He needs to be responsible for his credit and you for yours.
If it’s something for the wedding, email him the link and ask him to order it.
Post # 10
I think that if he chose to give you his card and the expenses are ones you’ve agreed upon, it’s frickin weird that he doesn’t trust you to use it correctly. He sounds controlling or insecure… :-/ I’d definitely talk to him about it, and about what you plan on doing with your finances once you get married.
Post # 11
I agree with PPs that it’s a good thing to get worked out now. When DH and I got married we were both on equal footing– completely broke college students– so we combined finances easily. Now, three years in, we are sitting well financially and I have his credit card number memorized 😉 As much as it creeped him out at first he now loves not having to grab his wallet when he wants to buy something online and it’s gotten us out of binds before when money has been forgotten, etc.
I’m not advocating secretely memorizing your FI’s card number! Just agreeing that open communication is really healthy. Good luck 🙂
Post # 13
@loving_life: Right? But he’s not ccontrolling. I don’t underestand where these insecurities are coming from.
@MsGinkgo: We don’t actually live together anymore, He’s in Florida and I’m in Oregon. I usually have stuff covered when it comes to the physical purchases, it’s just the online purchases that I have to use the card. He doesn’t listen to any of the wedding input that I have, he’ll be like “Yeah okay, Sure whatever” and it doesn’t help. I do have a buget for the tables which is what I use as a refence to everything. I’ll even send him the updated versions. It’s a model about probably about 15$ with shipping and such.
@crayfish: I usually don’t spend money unless I HAVE too. And his Parents did, his mother is the worse with money, she’d always buy something a lot more expensive then what she really needed and he’s the same way on things. We know about the debts we have,
@newlynesting: I was like that when we lived together but now it’s weird.
Post # 14
@FutureMrsHosmer: I have to ask then – why don’t you have/get your own credit card? A $15 model makes much more sense – I was thinking you actually wanted to rent a full size double decker bus!
Post # 15
It’s a lot for men to adjust to at first. Even after having a joint account for two years, we’re still learning about each others’ habits. My FI is an accountant, and analyzes EVERY purchase. He’s like, “how did you spend $150 at the grocery store?” – then I remind him I bought food for the week and he wanted steak that night. Once you combine finances, not to gender stereotype but the woman usually does most of the shopping…so it makes sense your bill would be bigger than his.
Give it time, he will see that it’s nothing out of the norm. Just takes awhile to adjust to “his” expenses doubling (but at the same time, if you are working he should see your checks going into the acct. as well; hopefully that makes him feel better).
Post # 16
@BeeandBeeBride27: oh my DH used to do that in regards to groceries. i sat him down and showed him the receipts and pointed out i hadnt bought anything extravagant, and he never spends that much alone as he lives off cereal if im not there (so he doesnt have to cook). he backed off after i showed him where the money went thank god, as it drove me mad
maybe OP could do what pp said, and send him the link so he can order it?