Money. We both suck for opposite reasons.

posted 3 years ago in Money
  • poll: Who is most in the wrong?
    Me - debt : (6 votes)
    4 %
    Him - deceitful, selfish : (60 votes)
    45 %
    Both equally, work through it : (31 votes)
    23 %
    Both equally, you guys have serious problems : (37 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1590 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Eh, to me, it’s not a small enough issue that I could just “let go.” I could not be married to someone who is manipulative about money. I mean, he lied to you and allowed you to get into debt when he actually had the money to go out and do things? Even if he thought you had it and didn’t know you were going into debt, that’s still really disrespectful.

    Post # 4
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee

    Um…if he has 50k in savings and you are in debt for paying his living expenses, he needs to pay that debt off! I also think that you should be FURIOUS. He is the one who should be ashamed. I don’t think I could marry someone who knowingly let me go into debt to pay for him to live while he was accepting money from others and building up his own savings. That is completely selfish and unacceptable.

    If for some reason you are able to get through this, you need to combine finances. That will cancel out your debt and leave you with a good amount of savings as a couple. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    10487 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    @SomedaymrsWDS:  It sounds like the big issue is that you didn’t sit down and discuss finances enough before you started paying for him too.

    I’d be annoyed if I were you too, but it’s probably best if both of you work at just starting fresh.  Discuss any major money decision before doing it.  Maybe he will be open to helping you pay off your CC?

    Post # 6
    Member
    525 posts
    Busy bee

    Hmm…this is a huge problem in my mind. We are 100% transparent with finances in my home and very sharing. I think that everyone has their own bad money energy and has to work on that – but I would not start off with a man like that.

    Post # 7
    Member
    12998 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Wow, he was letting you pay for his trips and everything and rack up debt while he socked away 50k in savings and other investments!?!  That is pretty bullshit.  I hope that debt did not cut into your own 401k and retirement.  He has no right to be upset about your debt when he contributed to it IMO.  However, I would have also not gone in to debt because of him in the first place.  At this point, I’d look back at everything you paid for for him and have him pay that back plus interest to pay it off.  He was so concerned about his ass and financial freedom, you need to do the same.  You need to cover your rear too, cause apparently he isn’t as concerned for your finances as he is his own.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    He was wrong for misleading you and you were wrong for racking up debt for nonessential things (other than groceries obviously). Now that you’re both out in the open it’s time to work on communication skills and figuring out a healthy budget.

    The main issue I see is that you already thought of your money as our money and he of his money as his money and your money as his money. That’s a problem and I would want to know if he can think of his money as our money before marrying him. The right thing for him to do would be paying off at least half of your credit card bill since he helped rack that up and paying it off will help both of you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    441 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m sorry, what kind of man allows his girlfriend to rack up debt paying for HIS ass when he makes more money than she does? What kind of human being? 

    He knew he made more than you, he knew you were taking on debt to pay for his party nights out, and he was perfectly content to let that happen.

    Sorry, that’s massive.

    Post # 10
    Member
    641 posts
    Busy bee

    I think he gets a slight pass for shitty behavior right off of his divorce, a lot of things are shaken up and he might have been acting out of shorts. But continuing the behavior, and more than that, faulting you for having debts is not okay. He sounds incredibly selfish with his money and purchases, and you sound like you behaved selflessly.

    Now the flip side. Racking up that much debt on entertainment was fiscally irresponsible of you. I am not going to judge what expenses you already have, but you have demonstrated to him that you are fine with living outside of your means (regardless of how much you make) and that can be a massive problem for a person who is a saver. 

    You both have financial issues, and that is a BIG problem you need to work through and get on the same page about. Money is one of the main things to cause strife in a marriage. It is wonderful that this came out, because you two need to sort it before you walk down the aisle.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3195 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @SomedaymrsWDS:  

    I couldn’t marry someone who was this deceitful and selfish. 

    I also would not support a man or pay for everything. I know you had your reasons for doing so and you are a very generous woman to take on that responsibility. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1441 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @SomedaymrsWDS: How old is this guy?  He let you pay for his trips and food and such for YEARS while saving up money, and let mommy and daddy buy him a car?  Sounds like a moocher and/or a teenager, not someone who is ready for marriage.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I voted you were both wrong, and that this was serious. 20k debt is a lot. You have the income to pay it down, so that’s a plus. Please don’t add anymore debt. You already know that, but that’s a pretty fair amount of credit debt right there. I have family members who have bankrupted themselves through credit because it just keeps snowballing.

    As for him, I don’t like for one second that he allowed you to pay for everything. I find it disgusting. At the same time, it was your choice. As a decent man, he had a responsibility to not be a freeloader, but I am going to guess that he did not force you to pay for everything.

    The two of you have agreed to marry. If you are still going through with it, and combining finances is still your goal, you cannot divvy up money like this in the future. It needs to become “ours” and not “his and mine.” The two of you need to work together to pay down your debt. Come up with an action plan.

    ETA: It may be a good idea to see a counselor, financial or relationship.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    7279 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Hes a liar. What man lets his parents pay for a living expense when he has the funds??? What more secrets is he hiding would be my thoughts. This is not cool. 

    As far as your debts….he benefited from them so he cant get high and mighty after the fact. Second, you make a high enough income so its frankly none of his buiness, if there wasnt a direct discussion about this prior to the engaement. Third, HE LIED for YEARS. total dick move. What kind of manipulative emotional bullshit is he trying to pull. He is the probkem NOT  you. The nerve. He has some big balls to pull this off. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    2395 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Wait – why was it ok for you to go into debt paying off his debt??? That makes no sense. He sounds like a selfish dick.

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