Post # 1
Hi, a little advice required regarding future mother in law.
Rather than go into the full story, we had an arguement recently and we both exchanged insults however she threatened not to come to the wedding. This is not the first time we’ve argued.
Now my concern at the moment is:
A) If she does decide to come to the wedding, what if she causes trouble or says nasty things about me to other guests?
B) If she doesn’t come, will it look bad on my fiance?
The way I’m feeling at the moment I never want to speak to her again…
Has anyone else argued with there Future Mother-In-Law before the wedding?
Post # 3
I have argued with Future Mother-In-Law, and she said some very very hurtful things. Following the “fight”, she has said multiple apologies and admitted she was way our of line, and has made a great great effort to mend things. I also apologized for the way I came off and we communicate a lot better. But, I really want to have a good relationship with my ILs, so it’s important for me to move past it.
With regards to your questions above, if she does come to the wedding, I highly doubt she will start any trouble. It is her son’s wedding day, and ultimately a lot of families put bad blood or feelings aside to make the day wonderful.
For B, without knowing the whole situation/fight, I would highly hope that for your FI’s sake, you make an effort to have her come to the wedding. If you Fiance is upset with her/doesn’t want her there, than that’s one thing. But if not, this is his mother and I would be soooooooooooo upset if my mother wasn’t at my wedding, and would also feel horrible if my FI’s mother wasn’t there for him. The wedding is about you both, so sometimes you have to swallow your pride for a day or month and make it work b/c it’s important for your SO.
Hope it all works out for you!!!
Post # 4
Without knowing the whole story, my first instinct (since you also insulted her) is to be the bigger person and apologize. That way, if she does decide not to come, that’s totally on her.
Post # 5
I agree with crystalrodz, without knowing the whole story, I would say try to apologize. In fact, I would have a calm sit down talk with her about your problems and how you both feel about it. Tell how important it is to the two of you that she come to the wedding and get along with you (even if it really isn’t important in yoru eyes). Sometimes those sit-down, “this is how I feel about this situation” talks are the best thing for people who get in an arguement. But like I said, I don’t know the details. She may be past the point of cooperation.
Post # 6
i suggest space and time – both of you step back. keep communication polite but do not engage in any futher mud slinging. if shes a crazy fmil then let your Fiance handle her, if she comes to the wedding and bad mouths you, let her be seen as the crazy Mother-In-Law while you keep smiling
Post # 7
Thanks for all of the comments. Its a difficult one because we’ve been here before and argued in the past. Although the past couple of years have actually been okay, she has made snide remarks in which I’ve bit my tongue.
Since the arguement we’ve found out that she has been lying to other members of my FI’s family, saying I said things about them also which I did not. I think she is now trying to cause trouble so other members of the family don’t come either.
I’m more than happy for her to come to the wedding and I would never say she can’t come, however if she sticks to her guns now because she is incredibly stubborn and enjoys drama, should I proceed with the wedding plans without her? What if she changes her mind nearer the time and wants to come?
I’m reluctant to apologise purely because she is the one who started the arguement. I’m not going to say she has to apologise to me, mainly because I know she won’t however I have told my Fiance I’m happy to draw a line under the table and forget about it all and move on, however now that I’ve found out she’s been liying to other members of the family I’m concerned that she is going to make matters worse…
And everything regarding the wedding had been going so smoothly lol
Post # 8
Wow, that’s unfortunate that she would do something like that. I had a “friend” who did that to me once as a teenager and I obvously wasn’t her friend after that. One of my pet peeves are people who start drama for the sake of entertainment. I never understood it. Isn’t there something better for them to do? It’s so sad.
What does your Fiance think about this mess? Does he know/believe that his mom is spreading rumors about you? If my Future Mother-In-Law ever did something like that, her son would be on her case in a flash until it was resolved. We’ve had our disagreements over the past 7 years, and Fiance was always able to jump in if necessary and help us figure out a compromise. Sometimes he found fault in what I said/did and sometimes it was the other way around.
At this point it doesn’t seem like she is willing to cooperate. Your reputation with your new family is on the line, so it’s time to go into stealth mode and figure out a way to reverse the damage, either through your Fiance or through your own actions.
Post # 9
I think the missing piece of information for me is how your Fiance feels about the situation. Ultimately I agree with the PP who point out that it’s about both of you – and if he wants his mother at the wedding that sort of changes things, but if he’s completely on board with you then that presents a different way of looking at it. Does he see it the way you do? Or does he defend his mom?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, in-laws can be so tough.
Post # 10
Thanks again, my Fiance is pretty laid back about it all. He knows what his mom can be like and he said if she decides not to come then so be it.
He went and spoke to his parents this morning and they said they’d ‘probably’ come to the wedding. I felt pretty annoyed by this at first, but then I just thought you know what let them be stroppy. I’ve said I’m happy to forget and move on, we’ve asked them if they still want to come to the wedding, let them make the decision.
My Fiance fully supports me and I guess that’s the most important thing.
Thanks for all the comments – much appreciated 🙂