Monster in law? (long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Not to be a whiner, but can you edit this to form paragraphs? It’s just one huge block, which is hard to sift through…

Post # 5
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Umm B and C sound like jealous little children. Like really? Frankly your FH should be the one to navigate this maze but it seems like he isn’t willing to. 

Post # 6
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So sorry you’re going through all this stress!  I’m in a very similar situation with FI’s mom.  In my opinion, the root of it is that because you met A first and he chose to move in with you instead of begging to stay with B, she resents you for “taking her son” so to speak.  Now she just wants to make it seem like you’re not a good person and that your FI is making a mistake, OR she wants you to bend over backwards to make her happy because that means she’s pulling the strings again.

It’s so hard to make an effort to show you want to be part of the family when being around the family makes you want to cry.  I’ve been there multiple times. The most important thing is that your FI is on the same page and willing to talk to B about the situation.  My FI is very similar to yours – super sweet, doesn’t like to make waves, etc. – but in this case he really needs to step up.  In my situation, it’s taken my FI a long time to speak up, and that has only made things worse because the comments from his mom have not only upset me but are affecting his relationship with her as well.  He’s getting fed up with her comments and is gravitating toward my family (who are super supportive and love him) because of it.  I feel the same way as you; I don’t care if my FMIL is part of our lives because she’s terrible, but I think it will hurt my FI down the road.  You need to address it now before the rift becomes even wider.

Post # 7
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@eecuadrado:  While it was rude and childish of B to have reacted so strangely to you meeting A first, I think it’s important to realize that it’s not your fault. This isn’t about you or even your SO, it’s about B and her insecurity, her feelings about A, and SO’s dad and his ability to handle everyone’s feelings. 

Going forward, I think you just need to continue to show a reasonable amount of respect to both sides of SO’s family and do your best to not be hurt by the drama. Communicate with SO about how it makes you feel, but do your best to move on from it. You do have quite a bit of time to smooth things over and get everyone on your side! Keep repeating “it’s not about me, it about them and the drama that started long before me.” 

Post # 10
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

B is creating drama, but my interpretation of the events is that your SO did not do enough to bring you into his father and B’s family.  It’s understandable for a 20-year-old, but now he needs to step up to strengthen his and your relationships with his father and B so that your FMIL isn’t making you miserable for years to come.  Maybe your SO should have an in-person talk with B, apologize for not introducing you to B earlier than he did and for generally not doing a good job of letting B get to know you.  This isn’t all your SO’s fault, of course, but with some people you just have to take the blame even when it isn’t your fault just to get along, you know?  He should tell B how much he loves you and how much he thinks she will love you once she gets to know you better.  Then you two need to do more socializing with his family.  Hopefully if he grovels and you act extra nice to B, she’ll come around and you can all move forward.  I don’t think that your SO should take a hard line with B at this point, because it seems like she will just get defensive and dramatic.  Try a nice approach, and he can put his foot down in the future if B still treats you poorly.

Post # 14
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@eecuadrado:  when you are their house, what does B exactly do or say to make you leave in tears?

B just sounds a bit insecure about your relationship with A.  she might need some reassurance that you are not taking sides. 

just out of curiousity, have you had your fi’s dad and B at your home for a visit?  maybe welcoming them into your home may make B feel more connected with you and your fi.

Post # 15
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@eecuadrado:  I don’t think this is B’s fault as much as it is your SO’s fault.  He’s thrown you to the wolves.

Fact is, B did have a hand in raising him and while not his mother, she is his step mom and will always be equally your inlaw.

It sounds as if she’s frustrated and hurt and discouraged by your SO’s actions.  He has not been clear to her in any way.  Agreeing to let you meet her, then forgetting becuase you wanted to change your skirt.  Then after a week you go and meet A?  Seriously, unless it was spelled out for me than I would of felt really dissed.

And C, especally if younger, may feel that B really has a place in SO’s life, and he is not being respectful.

And that you are angry that B is upset is totally ridiculous.  She was angry that you (or rather your SO) skipped out on seeing her then made time for A.  Who wouldn’t be?

Oh, and saying “I don’t know how you were raised” dosn’t mean that you were raised by wolves.  Poorly stated, sure, but seriously, not every family raises kids the same way and all of those can be ligitmate.  I was not raised to take my shoes off in the house, pray grace, or clear my spot.  In my family we left our shoes on, never said grace, and we took turns having one person who clear the table every night.  I’m adopted, so I guess I’m used to people saying “oh, our family dosn’t do XYZ” in my family the joking can be a bit cruel, I have to warn my friends,  “I don’t know about your family but mine XYZ”  Perhaps B badly worded things, but she may have been trying to help you get with the program.

 

What should his SO say “I’m sorry for what happened last year when I had agreed for you to meet Eecu but didn’t get to.  I know it really hurt you.  She’s a wonderful woman and I want her to have a good relationship with you.  You spent much time helping me grow up and I am glad that you’re my step mom.  Don’t let things with my mom take away from your joy.  You all have a place in my life.”

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