Post # 1
Hi everyone! I am very new to Weddingbee, and this is my first post, yay! Hopefully first of many 🙂 So I wanted to ask some very experienced and intelligent girls a question I have been pondering a long time!
(A little backround on our relationship, to hopefully help answer my question! Me and my FI have been together for four years, engaged for 3 months. I recently moved in with him and while I have a part time job, he is mostly supporting both of us while I am still in school. I come from a big family, middle class, and my FI comes from a lower income backround, he had a very rough childhood and he and his family grew up without many of the things a lot of us take for granted.)
So, basically, my wonderful FI is very intelligent and works very hard and as a result of his he is much better off than most of his family. One particular relative, his little brother, (we’ll call him Jim) is a huge jerk to both of us and a TOTAL mooch. When my FI was in a serious car accident last year he was in the hospital for over a week and Jim didn’t even visit him. Jim never calls or texts my FI unless its to ask for money, or a favor.
More recently, seven months ago my FI lent Jim $1000 to pay off Jim’s car before it got repossessed. Jim (who still lives at home with his parents!) promised to give my FI $100 from every one of his paychecks until it was paid off. None of it has been paid. It is a financial strain for our wedding and when I mentioned the financial “agreement” to my future mother in law, (in hopes that she would make her son may back his debt) Jim spoke some very harsh words involving the fact that “he and everyone else thought that I was only with his brother for his money.”
And now, despite how Jim has treated him, my FI wants him to be in the wedding party as one of the groomsmen. So, is this right? Should I allow Jim to be honored at our wedding despite how badly he has treated both of us? And, if not, how can I go about explaining to my FI how uncomfortable this whole situation makes me?
Any answers would be appreciated! Thanks everyone!
Post # 3
I think that you should let your FI choose his own groomsmen. Regardless of the money Jim owes you, he’s your FI’s brother. If your FI chooses to let it go, it’s his decision.
Post # 4
I would also suggest staying out of most arrangements (especially past ones) between your fiance and his family. Let your fiance deal with it, if he so desires.
If he chooses not to ask for the money back, then you know in the future to not loan it. In the future when its both of your money it can be a decision you make together.
As an FYI- I am a HUGE advocate that you lend friends and family money only if you can afford to not get it back. You never lend these people, you give. IF you get it back, then that is a bonus. Money drives wedges into even the best relationships.
Moral of the story? This particular money issue, is not your issue to deal with.
If I were your FMIL I would be annoyed too that the fiance, someone who is not a member of the family yet, is addressing me about my two sons and their problems.
EDIT: I do understand that this is frustrating and you need the money for the wedding and you dislike that the brother isnt acting like a good brother, but this really is not your place at this time. I would be annoyed to if I was you.
Post # 5
Honey I have a mooch brother too. I have probably given him thousands of dollars over the past 5 years and shared my home more times than I can count. Finally I realized I was merely enabling him to continue as an unemployed alcoholic and said enough is enough! He is now taking turns mooching off of his KIDS.
However, blood is blood and he will be escorting me for the wedding as my father passed away 15 years ago. Weddings are family affairs.
Post # 6
This sucks, but I don’t think there is much you can do about it. I would just let it go. After the wedding, I would just let your FI know that no more money should be lent. As his wife, your financial responisbilities will be shared, and both of you need to agree about money spent. I am sorry that this is putting financial stress on you. I hope it all works out for you.