Post # 1
Sorry, I had to go anon for this one; I know people in real life who are members of this board.
Let me start off by saying I’m 28, and my FI is 29. We live in one of the wealthiest places in the country (it’s a blessing and a curse – I’m not bragging), and while we do pretty well with our combined incomes, there’s no way we could afford to have a NICE wedding at a place around here.
Since my parents paid for my sister to have an incredible waterfront wedding 13 years ago, they were of course were going to do the same for me. I reluctantly said yes to them paying for the catering hall, but told them my FI and I would be paying for everything else (which we can manage, and my sister did the same).
NOTHING has even started yet. We don’t even have a date and all my mother says at family parties is, “well we’re paying for the wedding…” like it’s some kind of burden. Of course if I confront them about this, they act all innocent and say how happy they are to do this for us…which I do believe but I also know from living with them for 27 years that this all comes with a HIGH emotional cost. My sister has already told me that if she could go back and do it all over, “I would go into debt before I let them pay for it again.”
I finally snapped tonight and cried to my FI. He said either I have to just deal with it, or we can elope. It’s so hard because I always pictured a big, beautiful wedding. I even picked my wedding party already. But if nothing has even started, and my parents are already stressing me out, am I going to be able to make it through the entire process?
I was wondering if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation and how they handled it. I also want to add that I either want the big wedding, or I want to just elope and do something just the 2 of us. I know that sounds extreme but I’m the type of person I either want to do it big, or not at all.
Help, bees! 🙁
Post # 3
@anon623: Why is it a high emotional cost? Our parents paid for the reception (while we paid for all other costs like photographer, dresses, suits, decorations, printing, cake, etc) but dealing with them was mostly low stress because they gave us pretty well full control, other than some input on the guest list and the menu. So is it just your mother acting like it’s a burden, or is there other stuff going on?
Post # 4
Why don’t you just save up and pay for it all yourself? Even if you have to save for 2-3 years, isn’t it worth it to save the stress?
On another note, this is why we are paying for everything…
Post # 5
@paula1248: Same with us, it’s working out just fine.
It sounds like the issue isn’t necessarily that your parents paying, but it’s that they’re giving you grief about it. I would just suggest talking to them further, asking if they’d like you to lower the budget, ask if you can contribute, etc.
Post # 6
I’d elope then or save up a pay for it myself!
Post # 7
My parents are paying for my entire wedding. I knew that since I was a little girl. If I insisted on paying for my own wedding, they would see me as ungrateful, disrespectful, etc etc. So it’s just the way it is. If I were to plan and pay for my own wedding, they probably wouldn’t speak for me for years (I am NOT exaggerating). So I’m not having the Vermont wedding I dreamed about, instead we are having a lavish wedding in Manhattan. And I’m okay with that. My FI and I are planning a 1 year anniversary vow renewal ceremony in our dream location, and it will be perfect.
I came to grips with the large wedding by saying to myself that our wedding is for our family and friends, not about us. Our marriage is about us, and a wedding is just a party to celebrate that. So let them have their dream wedding, and you can save and have a dream honeymoon 🙂
Post # 8
I’m a bit confused why your parents telling others that they are paying for your wedding is such a horrendous tragedy. Am I missing somehting?
What did they do to your sister that was so aweful?
Post # 9
I think we need more info from you. What is bothering you the most? The only specific thing you have complained about is the fact that your mom announces at family gatherings that they have the burden of paying for your wedding. Is that it? Do you feel guilty that they are paying a lot of money for your venue or are you annoyed that she makes you feel like you are burdening them? Some people like to play the martyr card. If you elope, most likely your mother will complain at family gatherings that they wanted to give you a wedding and you cheated them of that. It really sounds like you don’t want to elope. Can you be more specific what the moral issues are so we can help?
Post # 10
@anon623: tellyour parents, thanks but no thanks,a nd do what you can for your wedding.
Post # 11
I agree that we also need more info… what kind of grief are your parents giving you?
Post # 12
I say take the money and be grateful your parents are paying for your big day. 🙂 When they complain, just add “and we are so grateful to them for their help!” maybe their issue is that they don’t feel you are grateful?
Post # 13
Some people love the martyr card. My mother’s family was like that and it was really part of their nature. They’d complain to family and acquaintances but the truth was they didn’t know how to express happiness in a healthy way. It’s like admitting they’re happy makes them seem weak, or something.
My sisters cut my mother out of the wedding planning as a result and I would too if she were alive today. The emotional cost just wasn’t worth it.
I never wanted a big wedding, but I did want the exotic tropical beach honeymoon. We’re having it, it is expensive and that is stressful, but worth it.
There’s no perfect solution for your situation, you just have to own your decisions and not be surprised if your parents react the same. Talk with your FI about what his vision is for his wedding, and sort what’s really important to both of you about the day. I know there is a difference between what I imagined for my wedding and what I imagined marrying my FI would be like–the context of the individual who is going to be my groom makes a difference (if that makes sense).
Post # 14
I was worried about this when my parents offered to pay for my wedding. From the beginning, our plan was to pay for everything ourselves. My mom had offered to buy my dress, but everything else was falling on us. We saved until I quit my job, and then FH saved. We were almost there, then FH’s truck broke down and needed a costly repair that ended up wiping out most of our wedding budget. FH and I decided to just have a JOP wedding, but my mom wasn’t having that, so my parents offered to pay for the wedding. The only thing that we have paid for so far is the deposit for the venue, some decor and I’m also paying for invitations. My parents will sometimes bring it up and it makes me feel a little guilty, but I am constantly telling them how much I appreciate everything they are doing. They don’t always act happy about wedding costs, but that doesn’t mean that my wedding is a burdern for them.
However, we do need some more information. What else is happening that makes you think that them paying for your wedding is a burden?